becomingkate: (Default)
 Meme: A picture of someone or something that has had an impact on you.

More under the cut )
becomingkate: (Default)
 People are like, "It's national drink wine day! I'm having some wine tonight!" and I'm all like "...I needed a national holiday as an excuse to drink wine?"

My son got Coraline out of the library today and I didn't bother to crack it open until we were checking out and we realized it was a graphic novel version.  Not bad, but I would have preferred the actual book.  He's in the other room with his nose in it right now and he's almost done.  Kid reads more than I do.

I picked up a non-fiction book about the decline of violence over the ages and my husband is going to read it too, and we'll talk about it, so maybe we'll have something to talk about for once.  The author, Steven Pinker, sounds really interesting and since I'm into psychology I might like his other books too.  This one is 800 pages long, yikes.

Gotta go, he finished Coraline and wants to play.
becomingkate: (Default)
 Day 6. Favorite superhero and why.

I've seen many superhero movies but never read any comics and honestly I probably would have skipped all the movies if my husband didn't like them.  We just saw Superman 2, the one with Andrew Garfield and I liked it more than I thought I would.  I adore Emma Stone, and I thought Andrew Garfield was good.  I liked his dorky, awkward style.

I've seen the X Men Movies, the Batman movies, one of the Superman movies, the Spiderman movies and the Avengers movies (and all the movies with those characters: Hulk, Captain America, etc.)

It's hard to pick.  I like Captain America for his looks and his old fashioned style.  I like Spiderman because he seems real.  He seems like a regular guy in a costume, rather than a guy who is really a superhero.  He's not an alien or a guy from a different time or a mutant.  Well, I guess he kind of is a mutant. 

My son prefers Marvel over DC.  He just finished playing Lego Marvel Superheroes on the xbox and he loved it.
becomingkate: (Default)
 Now, granted, I haven't watched her speech, but it's truly making me angry that Ellen Page's decision to come out is being heralded as "brave".  It's a sad sad world when it's a brave thing to tell people who you are.  I've always said, I look forward to the day when "coming out" is not even a thing.  Celebrities coming out shouldn't make the papers any more than a friend or a neighbor coming out.

I understand that it is a good thing when celebrities come out as gay or bi and help take a stand with the normal people of the world who don't have the reach that a celebrity does.  But I guess I'm having a problem with it being called brave.

What really is brave is when you choose something and you don't make an announcement about it and you just live it.  Being true to yourself is brave.

Whoever was a fan of Ellen Page and is not a fan all of a sudden now, was never truly a fan of her work.  You were a fan of whatever version of her that you cooked up in her head.  If you're a guy maybe you had delusional fantasies about her and now you feel that's been ripped away from you.  Just a heads up, you have just as much of a chance with her now than you ever did. Zero.

Like if my sneaking suspicion that pretty much all of the members of nkotb are die hard Catholics were confirmed (they are smart and don't talk about their religion or politics), and I stopped liking their music because of that...that doesn't make any sense.

Am I right?
becomingkate: (Default)
 So when I announced the crisis intervention thing to my group of moms on facebook, I didn't really expect to get silence.  And that kind of thing just makes me realize maybe they're not really my friends.  I mean, they can spout parenting advice, talk all day about how to do this and that and lament about their husbands and kids and jobs, and then I tell them about a project I'm doing and all I get is a couple likes.  No replies at all.

You know I've had uneasy feelings about that group for a while now.  I just don't quite fit in, I don't think.  They're probably not really impressed with this volunteer job that mostly younger people probably take, kids in college who are interested in counseling and psychology.

Well whatever, it's out there now.  It's not that I need anyone's approval.  I'm happy to be doing this whether anyone pats me on the back for it or not.  It's just sort of embarrassing when you write up a heartfelt post on something you're doing that's important to you and nobody even says anything.

FWIW, they have been very supportive of me since I found out about my mom, and have asked me how she's doing periodically.  I just can't figure them out sometimes and I'm very disenchanted with them right now.

Here's another meme question:

A habit you wish you didn't have.

Eating junk.

That's it! I mean, I know certain things are horrible for you.  Reports come out that certain things are barely fit for human consumption and they don't bother me.  I have no idea why.  I'm pretty sure my dog's food is better quality than some of the food we eat.

It's like, I know a good piece of fish or a good soup or anything home made is going to taste better than a bowl of chips and Tostitos queso, but I can't get myself out of the habit.  I partially blame it on my parents who didn't let me even try fast food or junk food or even soda for a very long time.  I think once I moved out of the house I went crazy on it because I hadn't gotten used to it as a kid or teenager.  But then, if I'd eaten it since I was a kid, I'd probably still be eating it too.  I don't know.  It's just sad because I'm a good cook and I could pretty much make anything I wanted to eat but I'd rather go for the quick snacks in the pantry and the fridge and grab something from fast food on my way home than think about making something.

becomingkate: (Default)
 I don't know if one of you donated anonymously to my crisis intervention training page--I'm pretty sure it's one of you since you're the only people I've told about it--but if one of you did, thank you, and thanks for the kind note you left. :)
I'm still struggling with the idea of asking for help in raising the funds (I now need to raise $240 to continue to the training phase) but I have a select group of friends (besides you all) who I think I might ask for help.  

So now I will properly ask you guys as well, if you've got even a dollar to spare, you can do it here, but please don't feel obligated.

(link removed)

You can look at my other posts tagged 'crisis intervention' if you want to read back on the application process and the skype interview I had.  It all kind of came in the middle of my cat getting really sick and eventually dying, and finding out my mom has cancer so I put it on the back burner for a while, but it is still nagging at me back there, and that tells me that I should be pursuing it.
becomingkate: (Default)
 I developed strep throat over the weekend, and I'm not really sure where that came from because my son and husband don't have it, and now I'm afraid they will.  I started feeling icky on Saturday but still managed to make it through the day and even went out to dinner with my husband and had some bad food and two Jack and diet cokes.  Then started to feel shitty that night which sucked because our son wasn't home and we could have drank and ate more and watched stupid loud movies and listened to loud music and I just wasn't up for it.

I slept all day Sunday and all night, and got up late on Monday to go to the doctor.  Fortunately my husband has Mondays off so he was able to help me.  They gave me abx for strep and I started feeling better really fast.  I have to take them for 10 days so I should be well soon.

The funny thing is, I felt like a bladder infection was coming on, too, and since they gave me abx, those symptoms have diminished.  I'm so happy I could explode. (hope I don't though)

So just a heads up folks, if your neck gets all swollen (like literally you touch the sides of your neck right under your jaw and they're all puffy) and you ache all over and you've slept for a day and a night, RUN to the doctor (I know, it hurts) and tell them you think you have strep.  They don't even have to take blood, they did the throat swab but that's nothing.

I felt so much better today that I actually went to the grocery store, finished putting together my mom's package for Valentine's day and sent that off.  I was torn between a funny card and a serious card.  I went with the serious card because jeez, it might be her last Valentine's day.  I didn't want to end it with a Mickey Mouse card and a dumb joke.  But now I feel bad because she's going to read that card and know that I was thinking this may be her last.  I guess it sucks either way, right?

(I feel like I need to add a disclaimer that I did check on the length of being contagious with strep--apparently you're not contagious after you've been on meds for 24 hours. So I'm good. Not gonna make anyone at the grocery store or PO sick.)

I got an invitation from my cousin to my aunt's 60th surprise birthday party which I'm looking forward to. I hope it'll be a happy time and not overshadowed by my mom's health.

My son and husband went to the Lego movie yesterday and they both enjoyed it, so if you've been wondering if you should go, you probably should.

becomingkate: (Default)
Day 02 - The meaning behind your LiveJournal name.

I kind of love explaining this one, because the meaning still rings true for me.

When I
create journal and blog names it's usually something meaningful to me, or it's some shortened version of my actual name, like KateS which I've used a couple times, or katesu, but when I dare to be more creative I come up with something meaningful, something from my past like daylilies or raspberries. In the case of becomingkate, it's an ever-evolving sentiment.

I used to want to become something. I used to think that someday, I'd just wake up and be the adult version of myself. I never really asked anyone to help guide me into this new phase of my life. I
just expected it to happen.

When I
created this account (I originally created this name at livejournal, if you're reading this at DW), I think I was still in that mindset, that someday I'd become who I was meant to be. And then I realized, life is always about evolving and changing and becoming different versions of yourself. It doesn't just happen and it doesn't always stay the same.

So, I
think I am always becoming Kate.
becomingkate: (Default)

 Stolen from 
[ profile] 1_rhiannon_1 

Day 01 - A recent picture of you and five interesting facts about you.
Day 02 - The meaning behind your LiveJournal name.

Day 03 - A picture of you and your friends.
Day 04 - A habit that you wish you didn't have.
Day 05 - A picture of somewhere you've been to.
Day 06 - Favorite super hero and why.
Day 07 - A picture of someone/something that has the biggest impact on you.
Day 08 - Short term goals for this month and why.
Day 09 - Something you're proud of in the past few days.
Day 10 - Songs you listen to when you are Happy, Sad, Bored, Hyped, Mad.
Day 11 - Another picture of you and your friends.
Day 12 - How you found out about LJ and why you made one.
Day 13 - A letter to someone who has hurt you recently.
Day 14 - A picture of you and your family.
Day 15 - Put your iPod on shuffle: First 10 songs that play.
Day 16 - Another picture of yourself.
Day 17 - Someone you would want to switch lives with for one day and why.
Day 18 - Plans/dreams/goals you have.
Day 19 - Nicknames you have; why do you have them.
Day 20 - Someone you see yourself marrying/ being with in the future.
Day 21 - A picture of something that makes you happy.
Day 22 - What makes you different from everyone else.
Day 23 - Something you crave for a lot.
Day 24 - A letter to your parents.
Day 25 - What I would find in your bag.
Day 26 - What you think about your friends.
Day 27 - Why are you doing this 30 day challenge.
Day 28 - A picture of you last year and now, how have you changed since then?
Day 29 - In this past month, what have you learned.
becomingkate: (Default)
 WARNING, this is pretty deep and heavy stuff about cancer and the grief process and all that, so don't read it if you're not up for it.  Not a problem.  You can look for the 'cancer' tag and avoid all those if you'd like.

When my mom's boyfriend called me about a week ago (a week ago tomorrow, actually) to tell me it was serious cancer and that she has 6-12 months to live, I didn't feel anything.

My cat had died only two hours before that phone call.  That bothered me more than anything because I literally watched her die.  I sat next to her after she died, because I kept swearing I saw her belly rise and fall, or a small twitch of movement, but it was every time I looked away.  When I looked back at her, I'd see nothing.  After a long time of this, I finally accepted that she was gone.

When I got the call about my mom, it didn't seem real.  It seemed like nothing had changed.  They still didn't know where the cancer originated, so how could they know how bad it is and how long she has to live?  My husband and I watched funny tv shows that night and I didn't cry.  Not even about the cat, which was weird because I cried like crazy for the other two who passed away.

As a day or two went by, I felt something.  Anger.  It wasn't what I expect to feel, but there it was.  How did this dare to happen?  My mom and I were both content, finally.  I was content staying at home, not doing much of anything except care for my son who is honestly pretty self-sufficient, if you tell him what to do enough times.  I had felt unsettled lately, and that's why I'd started the blog and the imalive volunteer process.  I was maybe moving towards some permanent hobbies, possibly a path to a career or at least ways to occupy my time.  My mother had a job putting together the newsletter for a church.  She has a boyfriend who visits her every weekend and they do the hobbies they enjoy.  Gardening, antique shopping, hanging out on the beach, cooking.  

I always assumed my mother would just grow old and pass away.  There's no history of cancer in her family.  She doesn't eat super healthy or get a lot of exercise but she stays away from most processed food and I don't think she's had fast food in her life, except maybe as a kid.  

It was bothersome to see my mom's brother and his wife very upset when I went with them and my mom on Thursday to an appointment.  I didn't feel like that was helpful to my mom--that they were already essentially mourning her.  I mean, I guess I am always thinking that things can always change.  Some people bounce back unexpectedly.  Sometimes doctors are wrong.  Either way, I don't think my mom wants everyone around her to be sad at this time.  I guess I've never been comfortable around sick people and I want to be optimistic and act like things will be okay.  I know they probably won't be, in this case, but can't we pretend?  Does it really hurt to just carry on as if nothing has changed, aside from treatment and whatever changes she has to make based on how she feels?  I'd think, if she really doesn't have long to go, that she'd like to spend her time being as happy and normal as she can.  I can't assume that, though.  

At the same time, I just want to kick myself in the pants and cry like everyone else.
becomingkate: (Default)
 Instead of talking about all the depressing stuff going on, I've got a kind of cool story to tell.  Nothing big, just a little serendipitous thing that happened recently.

So a few days ago I finally got around to watching the new Flowers in the Attic that I had recorded off Lifetime.  Same story, slightly different ending, still just as unsatisfying.  And disturbing.  So, the kids are referred to as "Dresden Dolls" in the beginning, right? Because they are so blonde and pretty and "perfect" (not).

So a couple days later I finally had a couple hours in the car to myself and I cracked open my Evening with Neil Gaiman and Amanda Palmer CD that I got for Christmas.  Awesome stuff.  Some things, I was like, meh, I think I will be skipping this one next time around, and by the end of the bit I was HOOKED.  Gaiman's stories creep up on you, and Palmer's style is sort of an acquired taste, but I think I love her.  She had me in tears, both happy and sad ones, depending on the song.

So anyway, I looked up Amanda Palmer because she said she'd been a rock star but I had no idea what she'd done before what she does now.  Those of you who know of her, know where this is going.

I looked her up, and not only is she from Boston, but she was in a band out of Boston in the 90's.  Well, a duo really.  Called...The Dresden Dolls.  :D  I actually knew and liked one of their songs back in the day!  Coin Operated Boy.

There is nothing like thinking you've discovered an artist only to find out you knew who she was 20 years ago.
becomingkate: (Default)
 I thought about posting on my facebook page, but thought better of it because I really don't give two shits about the person I saw who was laughing about the weather situation in the south.  I don't need to be passive agressive to someone I barely know or care about.  I save that for those I know :D

I have to admit I did shake my head when I saw my former boss, who now lives in Nashville, post a couple weeks ago about how his daughters' school cancelled because they got a dusting of snow, but then another friend in Georgia (who is also formerly from Massachusetts) posted a traffic map today with all sorts of alerts on it and essentially said people are stuck on the road because they didn't properly cancel school or work openings and now everyone is on the road at the same time because they finally did let school and work out early and things are icing up real bad.  It was a new perspective for me on just how dangerous snow is when you're not prepared for it.

We may call them amateurs but that's exactly it.  The north is prepared for this.  We sell winter clothes and tires that can handle ice and snow, we have plowing systems and school and work cancelation policies in place.  The south does not, so they have to plan accordingly.  It sounds like, in this case, they did not.

It's not funny.  Imagine it happening to you, or your kid.  Is it funny anymore?

becomingkate: (Default)
 I feel bad that I haven't kept up with my wicca stuff.  I have 16 e mails from in my wicca folder in my e mail that I haven't read.  Apparently Imbolc is coming up and I have no idea what it represents.  Sigh.  I missed Yule, too, mostly because I also celebrate Christmas (in that food, family and presents kind of way) and I was so sick all through December that I couldn't even sit up to read my e mail most days and find out about Yule and prepare a celebration.

It didn't even occur to me to use wicca to try to get better.  Duh.  Candles, crystals, rituals, etc. all at my fingertips and I didn't even think of it.

My husband thinks I should ask for donations towards my crisis intervention training.  I don't think I should, because I'm capable of covering it on my own.  However we are spending more money on the cat these days-I had to take her to the vet this morning because she couldn't stand up-turns out she is anemic and we're not sure why, all of a sudden it dropped and she won't sit on the blanket I prepared for her but she presses up against the heater so close that her skin should be red hot.

Anyway, I spend what would be the total cost of my training on the cat this morning, so maybe I should be asking for donations.  I don't know.  I just, I don't know if I want to share my profile with my family and real life people right now, because I talk about depression and hopelessness and I don't even know if my family knows I deal with all that.  And of course my mother is sick and we don't need people worrying about me and my problems when my mother has cancer.  Then again, the whole point of me doing it is that I think it's important to talk to people and get the whole mental illness, depression and suicide issue out there and make it okay to talk about it.

becomingkate: (Default)
 My profile's up!

Now the deal is I can pay for the training myself or I can raise donations from other people, but I hate doing that, and I rarely do it for anyone else so how can I expect anyone else to do it for me?  But I want to admire my pretty donation page for just a little bit.  I'll probably pay it off today or tomorrow.


becomingkate: (Default)
 Oh right, so I posted in a friending meme and I forgot to mention a couple things.
I'm a die hard new kids on the block fan.  Once in a while I talk about them.  
Also, I struggle with depression so some posts will be about that.  I'm not too dreary and like I said in the meme I try to handle it with a sense of humor.  
Check out my other posts that are tagged "note to new friends" to find out more about me.  I don't know why I always forget to mention things. :P
becomingkate: (Default)
 Stolen from [ profile] cptlbryant 
1: Full name?: Not putting my full name here, sorry :) 
2: Current crush?: Joey McIntyre
3: Addiction?: food
4: How tall are you?: 4'11" 3/4 (if you're short like me, you know the 3/4 totally counts)
5: Relationship status?: married
6: Girls you trust?: all my internet friends.  
7: Boys you trust?: I trust my husband in the larger sense of the word, in that I know he doesn't cheat on me and always comes home to me.  
9: Current mood?: meh
10: Favorite color?: green
11: Least Favorite Color: pink, although I've gotten used to it recently and even wear it sometimes
12: Who you miss?: Heather
13: Who you last hugged?: my son
14: Who understands you?: I'm not sure anyone really does.
15: Someone who is always there for you: My family
16: Last Text?: my husband
17: Who’s a stranger: it seems my husband is, a lot of the time
18: Who makes you laugh the most?: Bridget
19: Who you do the craziest stuff with?: Heather 
20: Who makes you smile: all my parenting friends, lj and dw friends, the ontdcreepy comm, facebook friends, Heather
21: What are you listening to:'s wonderful
22: Turn ons?: men who like animals and children
23: Turn offs?: immaturity 
24: Best friends?: Heather
26: Your Favorite Movie: Oh god, I hate to admit this, but A League of Their Own.  
27: What you hate: people who never grew up and refuse to admit it
28: Who’s annoying?: Lots of people who shall remain nameless. (not because it's any of you, though...I love you all!)
becomingkate: (Default)
 So I got the link to the background check site and got that filled out and turned in.

I let the cat out of her crate and she promptly threw up on the office floor.  She hasn't thrown up at all since we started the new food and we're weaning her into it slowly and everything.  However, she did have a solid poop today, so yay! I just hope she doesn't start throwing up instead...

My cousin apologized for putting up stuff about my mom on facebook and she said she took it down.  I didn't think she had to do that, since anyone who was going to see it probably already did.  But I think she is more aware that not everyone knows what's going on yet and she didn't even say that mom told her it was an invasive cancer, so I'm not sure how she came to that conclusion.
becomingkate: (Default)
 Yay, I passed the crisis intervention interview!

It's not like I was sitting there clicking refresh in my e mail...okay, maybe I was checking it very frequently.  I got the e mail and paid for the background check and already sent it back in, so now I just need to get the info to go fill out the form for the background check, and they do it, and I start training :D

I sent a quick facebook message to my cousin who was talking about my mom's cancer on facebook and asked her to please be careful what she posts, because I had heard no such thing about an invasive cancer and that my mother is probably telling people as she feels comfortable.  I can understand why mom would tell her sister something, especially since her sister is a retired nurse.  But then I don't get why Robyn went and said something.  All because she was asking for prayers.  My mom isn't even religious, LOL.

becomingkate: (Default)
 Well, I asked the supervisor a couple follow up questions in an e mail and she answered them today, but didn't let me know if I passed the interview.  I think I can kind of assume I did, or she's a brat for answering my questions and then tomorrow being like "Oh btw you failed."  LOL. But I'm still waiting for something more official.

There is a lot more junk going on in my life that I've been avoiding talking about because my dad has ongoing shoulder problems, and my husband saw spots in front of his eyes the other day and was jumbling his words all up, but that happens on a normal day (the jumbling words) so we don't know what exactly happened because he was at work and didn't go to the ER or anything.

My mother told me she found out she has cancer BUT she doesn't know what type or where or how bad it is, and she didn't even really want to talk to me when I called her the day of her PET scan just to see how she was feeling.  Then my mom's niece (on my mother's side) posted that my mom has some type of rare invasive disease, but my mother told me no such thing, so is her niece making shit up or did my mom tell her sister something she didn't tell me?  My mom's sister is a nurse so I wouldn't be surprised at all if my mom divulged details that she wasn't ready to tell me yet, but it's really not cool for her niece to spill stuff on the internet.  I feel it's my mom's responsibility (and right) to let people know as she feels comfortable.

Then my dad asked me if my mom told me not to tell him about the cancer, because he found out through his sister.  (she didn't ask me not to tell him, for the record.) Oh, why can't people keep their mouths shut?  I mean, if my mom wanted my dad to know (they haven't spoken in years, as far as I know), she can tell him, right?  She can ask me for his phone number or e mail address and tell him herself.

Now I don't even know if my mom knows that my dad knows, and my mom probably doesn't even know that her niece said that about invasive cancer on facebook, because my mom never goes on facebook.  So I'm keeping my mouth shut.  I feel it's the best thing to do, right?

My family is not usually gossipy and dramatic.  I don't even have a tag for drama, that's how drama free my life usually is.

I got an e mail on the day my dad and stepmom were supposed to leave for Cancun (they travel often) and it said that my stepmom was having bad back pain and spasms so they cancelled the trip.  

My cat is sick. I mentioned that in the last entry.  We have her in the dog crate and she poops and pees on puppy pads and we change them.  She's still eating and drinking but she's shockingly skinny.  It's scary, really.  I gave her a bath today and it was just...well, shocking and scary are the best words.  But the good news is she only pooped once today and I let her out of the crate for a while and she didn't poop on the floor.


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