becomingkate: (Default)
 So, I defriended someone on facebook I haven't talked to in forever.  We met when I was interested in women (this was not that long ago but feels like forever ago).  Yes I am married, yes my husband knows, I was just trying to pursue something I thought I wanted and it turned out to be way too complicated and annoying and not worth it and I barely think about it anymore.  So yeah.

I met this girl online and we chatted for a few days.  We added each other on facebook, and we met up for lunch and I was not attracted.  At all.  She was way too outspoken for my tastes.  We had a lot in common but when you're embarrassed to be seen with someone it's no bueno.

So after we met it seemed she really liked me, was attracted to me and all that.  But I was not at all to her.  We just didn't even get along on a personality level, I felt.  She was the kind of person who I'd be comfortable with at a table full of other people, but one on one she was just overbearing and loud.  So we talked online for a while and she even tried to get me to hang out for more uh, intimate purposes, and I declined.  Luckily that week we were having a couple things done on the house and I had workmen over and couldn't leave the house unattended.  So I threw her off my scent (ha ha) for a while.  We chatted a little bit but then she said she found someone she had become intimate with and I thought maybe that would be the end of it.  We didn't talk for a long time after that and finally I defriended her.  I can't remember when I did this but it had to be a couple weeks ago.  Finally today she noticed and messaged me.  "I came over to your page to say hi but it seems I've been defriended"

I hide from facebook chat (my MIL was constantly making comments about how much I go on facebook so I turned it off) so she didn't know I was on.  I tried to write a response but couldn't come up with anything.  I don't like leaving people hanging but what can I say to her that won't make her feel bad?  Why is she even asking?  Obviously you were defriended for a reason, why does she want to hear why I don't like her?
How do I respond to this? 
becomingkate: (Default)
 Sorry to be a post whore, but I just came across something that kind of took me back and I felt like writing about it.

I had this friend about 4-5 years ago who I met through a playgroup I was a part of with my son.  I was probably closest to her out of the whole group.  She was what I considered cool.  She homeschooled, was very relaxed with her kids, very free spirited.  She took them camping and out for adventures.  She had 2 teenage girls and two kids who were about 3 and 5 at the time.

I developed a pretty serious crush on this woman.  I think she just embodied everything I wanted to be and I looked up to her.  I was having a yahoo messenger conversation with her one night when we were talking about women and stuff (I knew she was bi, I think, and I identified as bi too but wasn't out) I told her I'd had previous relationships with women and that I was still interested in women and that my husband knew and was open to me pursuing that.  Back then we had a very different relationship-we were considering open marriage, but we never worked out the logistics so we dropped it.  Since then I've been with one woman that my husband knew about and actually helped me get together with, but that was weird when it came down to it, and I haven't thought about trying again ever since.

I told her I was having a hard time finding women who were okay with me being married, blah blah blah and she said "Well, I could take you out".  I said "On a date date, or just as friends?" and she said "A date..maybe more than one"

I pretty much lost my mind then. I had been hoping for years to develop a relationship with a woman that was friendship first, not immediately intimate.

A couple days later, I was asking her (again, online) where she thought we should go on our date and she essentially said she had changed her mind.  (I didn't save that conversation. Go figure.)

I was devastated. And my poor husband, in the background probably thinking "Uh, what about me? I'm right here" tried to support and comfort me as best he could because he knew how much I liked this woman not just as a potential date but as a person.

Of course things fell apart from there; it was incredibly awkward when we'd show up at the same playdates, and we tried to hang out a couple times just us as friends, but it was too weird.  The last time we talked, she was going to "pencil me in" for a playdate with our kids and I never heard from her again.

Up until recently I still had her on facebook.  I just never got around to removing her and I never saw her posts so it didn't occur to me to remove her until a few days ago.  Just now, all I was doing was looking for my word processing program on my computer so I could jot some things down and I found the saved file of our conversation.  I'm kind of glad I saved it.  It's kind of like a blow to my heart though, all over again.  I remember the intense feelings I had for her, the elation when she said she'd take me out on a date! and the devastation when she told me she'd changed her mind.

Oh well.  I spend too much time thinking about past relationships and probably not enough time thinking about my current relationship.  I guess I just miss the excitement, the strong feelings.  Everything just feels so blah now.
becomingkate: (Default)
What do you do when a friend of yours doesn't make herself available to you anymore?  We used to have deep conversations.  She used to want to know everything about me.  And then she just stopped asking questions.  She bitches about everything and doesn't have time for me anymore.  She's always hanging with someone else, or dealing with some kind of family issue.  It's not fair, because I, of very few friends, am still trying to hang on...

I suppose I wouldn't care so much if I weren't also quite physically attracted to her.  I used to also love her mind, how she was daring, and thoughtful and creative, but lately, all those traits have just turned into "a little crazy" to me.  She's a little too carefree with her kids.  It makes me afraid to bring my own son over because not only do I have to keep an eye on him, but also on her two small children.  They think it's okay to lead my 2 and a half year old son close to the street just because it's okay for them to wander that close.  The 5 year old girl says It's okay Kate, and I want to say NO IT IS NOT OKAY, I AM THE ADULT HERE. 

She's always too busy at the drop of a hat.  We could have a dinner date planned for weeks and all of a sudden a "little family issue" takes precedence.  I don't want to take priority over her family, of course, but there are times when you have to say "I already have plans, can this wait?"

It's enough to make me think she does it on purpose, that I was too candid with her a few times when I had a couple to drink, and now she just wants to get away, maybe in an effort to let me step back and cool off, but at the same time maybe she doesn't want to, because her kids like mine, or because she deep down likes me, or because she's lonely.  She seems to have other friends but I wonder if she does the same thing with them.

Attraction is a powerful thing.  It can make you forgive almost anything.  It can make my heart skip a beat when she says she's fighting with her husband again and as I try hard, but not too obviously, to be there and hang on her every word, in hopes she'll want to return the favor, I feel like a teenager again, trying to impress that guy who is just a little bit out of my league.  The chase is almost more exciting than the capture.  But I have a feeling the capture would be pretty exciting too.
becomingkate: (Default)
I just got back in touch with a former coworker.  It's a long, sad story but let's just say we let some harmless flirting go a little too far--not physically, but emotionally.  We still kept in touch by e mail after I left that job (partially because of him, but mostly because I needed more of a challenge).  He dropped off the face of the earth a couple times, but the last time he did it--about a year ago?--I was sure he was gone forever.  Guess not.  He found me on facebook a few days ago.  At first I thought he was just going to add me just to have friends but then he contacted me and we've had some light, catching-up conversation since then.  I found out he still thinks about me "all the time" but has been dating the same girl for 3 years.  And to be fair, I think about him too, not all the time, but whenever I hear a certain song, or I smell the type of food I used to cook at that job, or the breeze hits me the right way and it reminds me of the nights we used to walk to our cars together after work.  But, not all the time.

I could have ignored him, or even sent him a "sorry, I've moved on" e mail.  But I didn't.  I added him before you could say "glutton for punishment" and posted a gushy hello right on his page.  (I'd had a couple drinks.  I should have sent him a private message.)  He replied by calling me his "little redhead"--right on my page.  I'm sure that raised some eyebrows amongst my facebook friends--a few of which are family.  I still haven't gotten any questions though.  I guess they figure I wouldn't put something so vastly personal on my facebook page if there was something to hide.  They apparently don't know me.

So, here we are.  Do I want to see him again?  Yes.  Am I dying to just kiss him once, just to see what it's like?  Yes.  Am I a horrible person?  I think so.

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