becomingkate: (Default)'s not totally irrational of me to be a little leery of starting another project, given my track record of starting things and giving up, right?

Every time I come across something that sounds fun, it's clouded by my thoughts of "Yeah...but in 3 days I will have lost interest."  I kept with the cookbook so long because there was hope that it would come to fruition.  A light at the end of the tunnel.  But things that I start, that I don't know if I'll like or if they'll work out or if I'll be any good at them, I give them up quick.  If there's no quick reward or a big enough reward to keep me going, I can't hang in there.  Even with the cookbook, I haven't updated the facebook page in weeks or held a give away contest or anything in a long time.  To be honest I haven't gotten a single recipe in the e mail (and as I typed this, I checked the e mail just to be sure, LOL).  I think people won't give a shit until one of the nkotb signs on and I'm not sure if that's happening.  

My husband thinks I should do a podcast.  I entertained the thought of doing a "parenting with depression" spin on it.  My husband says he'll help me and I'm thinking, help me like he said he would with the weight loss?  He loves to throw ideas at me and then run away to watch it explode.  I don't really understand that-I think it's because then he can say "Don't say I never tried to help you" when actually he didn't do anything but throw me a bone and leave me to play with it by myself.
becomingkate: (Default)
 I'm going to be a bit of a post whore today.  I'm knocking around the house by myself, with the news of the cookbook being postponed until fall setting me on edge, wondering how I'm going to wait 3/4 of a year when I could barely wait a month.

So I'm just wondering why I have such a problem with some things and not with others.  Why I can wait for months for news about the cookbook with only a carrot on a stick dangling in front of me and yet I can't get through the day to day life without falling apart.

Maybe I'm too much of a dreamer.  Maybe the anticipation of things to come keeps me going more than the here and now of what I have.  Of course staying at home, cleaning and cooking and taking care of our son is not the fantasy life I dream of.  But it's my life and it's my responsibility to take hold of it and make it as good as I can for myself and my family.  Maybe at this time next year (if I'm very very lucky)  I'll be jet setting off to promote the cookbook, rub elbows with NKOTB and their friends...but for now I'm mom and housewife with an occasional gig as a bus monitor.

I worked to get my name out there.  I took the plunge and e mailed Remember Betty, I took a chance, thinking I'd be returned with "You want to do a cookbook with Danny? Get in line."  But things look more and more possible with every message I get back, every bit of hope thrown at me.  It's like I'm in middle school again, analyzing the notes my boyfriend sends to me, trying to decipher the intention behind each word.  I started a facebook page, started putting out cooking tips on twitter when the conversations lulled, got a few dedicated people to help get my name out there.  My friend Heather created the e mail address and helped promote the project on the NKOTB fan club (which I am not a part of, and I know that's a shocker! I should probably get on that).

Meanwhile I'm a lazy bum at home.  And I look at myself and think, I'm not even worthy to be working with one of my idols.  I don't picture myself being capable of doing that.  People who get involved in business ventures with celebrities are put together, organized, social.  And I wonder, if I do get picked to do this, can I pull it off?  What if I've bitten off more than I can chew?  What if I went for my dream just to say I tried?  "They said no, but I tried."  What if I can't really do this?

And then I think...wait until fall.  Fall is an awfully long time to put a dream on hold.  Then again, I've waited this long to even dream of doing something like this.  Why not wait a few more months?

Have fun bearing with me, readers.  I'm going to be jumpy, anxious, maybe a little bit obsessive.  If I get a little too full of shit, bring me down.  Please.
becomingkate: (Default)
 I'm excited! I thought of a new way to keep myself busy on twitter.  I've started posting cooking tips.  Simple tips I take for granted.  I've been thinking a lot lately about people who can't cook.  My friend told me she burns rice every time she cooks it.  I kept telling her she needs to turn down the heat more and she finally did it and it worked.

I really think cooking is something everyone should know how to do.  I try to involve my son whenever I cook.  Even if it's just helping me open cans or using a butter knife to help me cut things, I like him to see the process and know what goes into what's on the table.  My mother cooked with me from a young age.  She used to make pies a lot and she'd give me the scraps from the crust and I'd cut out my own little pie dough cookies and she'd bake them and sprinkle them with cinnamon sugar.  I can still picture the kitchen from the house we moved out of when I was 9.

If you'd like to follow me, I'm @bhcookbook.  I talk a lot to and about NKOTB.  They're the reason I'm there in the first place.  But I'm trying to branch out with the cooking tips.  

Okay so as I was writing this I decided to check the cookbook's e mail account.  I got a note from the woman I've been speaking with about the cookbook and she says fall at the earliest is the soonest they'll be thinking about a cookbook (after the tour).  I'm SO happy she told me this, this means she's taking me seriously, I think!  GAH!
becomingkate: (Default)
 So for some new friends, you may not know I've had this little fantasy of working on a cookbook with NKOTB.  Well, particularly one of them.

Danny is a member of NKOTB.  He's also incredibly healthy and well, ripped.  Like holy crap.  I'm really not into the buff look. I like 'em lean and toned but not like Bam! but if I was, I'd probably be into this:

<a href="" target="_blank"><img src="" border="0" alt="Image and video hosting by TinyPic"></a>

He's always posting on twitter about the things he cooks at home and fans are always saying "You need to make a cookbook!"  You know that saying that goes something like, "I used to think 'someone should do something about that' and then I realized I was that someone."  Well I took the next step.  I set up a facebook page and my friend set up a gmail account for people to submit recipes.  I got NKOTB fans to like the facebook page (32 likes so far) and I update it with ideas for categories, recipes, etc.  I encourage everyone to submit their favorite recipes especially those that remind them of NKOTB (for instance Donnie has said his favorite drink is a Bloody Mary).

I contacted a woman who is the director of his charity for his mother called Remember Betty.  Danny's mother passed away some time ago from breast cancer and Remember Betty (RB) donates money in her name to the Susan G. Komen foundation.  Danny also donates all the proceeds from his solo albums to the charity.  Danny is in direct contact with RB, and this woman, all the time.  So I spoke to her through facebook and she said she'd talk to Danny.  Last I had heard, late last year, she told me since they were working on the tour and the album, he didn't have time for a cookbook, but maybe in January.

January came and went and I saw she ignored one of my fb messages asking for an update (intentionally or not, I don't know).  So, unaware that she also handles the e mail at RB, I emailed RB.  She wrote back saying they had a number of fans who wanted to be part of a cookbook (of course) and that RB was forwarding all the requests to Danny to sort through--poor guy.  Thankfully I made my case completely, mentioning I have a degree in culinary arts and that I already had the fb page, contact e mail and even a publishing company lined up.  I hope he'll see that I've already dove into this and decide he wants to work with me.  

But now I'm starting to panic.  What if he actually does want to meet with me? What if I have to fly down to Miami (where he lives) perodically? I mean, I can think of worse things.  But then there's the whole social aspect.  I can't keep it together with average people, let alone with one of the members of a band that means so much more to me than I can even put into words.

I suppose I shouldn't panic yet.  But the fact that my pitch for the cookbook may be in the hands of Danny and that he might, just might, choose to work with me...OMG.

I'm starting to put faith in tarot readings.  Since I've started working on the cookbook idea, I've asked for a reading whenever I see someone offer on LJ or DW, or in a ontdcreepy post.  They have been accurate and have really helped me with motivation.  It's easier to keep going when you feel you have a trail of crumbs to follow.  The last one I got said I was on the right track but that I had to put more emotion into it.  I took that to mean that I should stop worrying if I was making the right move, or being savvy enough with the whole approach.  I decided I should just jump in and put my heart into it and to heck with processes and proper procedures of presenting the idea.  I poured out all my ideas in the e mail and just hoped for the best, and got a reply back the next day.  

And now I wait...again...ugh!
becomingkate: (Default)
Our son's party, his friend's party after that, and the chalice lighting all went well.  I have some residual anxiety from the whole weekend, hoping everyone was happy and kind of anxious because someone left their coat here and my husband took the call from the person and forgot who it was, so I have no idea who but someone will be calling me at some point to come pick it up.  I worry about this kind of stuff because sometimes I stay in my pajamas for a while during the day if I have nowhere to go and I really don't need people dropping by unexpectedly.  So I just hope they call before they come.  LOL

This week is going to be okay, I just have to make a dessert for Thursday and remember to have my son make a card for Tuesday-his class is sending out cards to kids in NY and NJ who were affected by the hurricane.  For an unrelated event that day he also has to wear mismatched clothes.  I don't know...I just do what the notes home say.  

Wednesday is a half day and then he has Thursday and Friday off.  This weekend we might want to see the Rise of the Guardians movie which I'm really excited about and so is my husband.

I got another quick DM from Billy Jeffrey, the guy I mentioned might be interested in participating in my cookbook.  I had DM'ed him on twitter telling him about the e mail address my friend set up for us to use for the cookbook.  I told him he was welcome to send his protein shake recipes (insert inappropriate joke here) and any questions to this e mail address.  He said thanks, so now I am obsessively refreshing that e mail waiting patiently for him to reply.  I don't expect a love letter.   He'll probably just pass on the recipes, nothing really personal or anything.  I mean he doesn't even remember that he's met me a couple times-he meets so many people of course.  But it'll be awesome just to have him involved.  This is the guy who, on the cruise I went on in June, looked over at me from across the room and called out, "Hey, I like your outfit!"  Totally sincerely.  I was wearing capris and a flannel shirt. (It was 90's night, I had the flannel shirt but couldn't find any overalls like I had wanted to, so I felt like I looked stupid)  But he made me feel good.  Okay enough teenage fawning.  LOL

becomingkate: (Default)
So I wrote an enormous rant on the election and human rights and then I figured who cares? It's not like anyone who disagrees with me hasn't heard my arguments before, and those who agree with me don't need to hear it.  Preaching to the choir and all that.

I still don't understand how some people live with themselves, but that's not my problem.  Just like it's not other people's problem to worry about how other people are living their lives.  

That's all I'll say about that.

So, I'm kinda blah lately.  I officially quit my job yesterday and I felt a little sad.  Not sad that I'm leaving but sad that I can't be useful there anymore.  Sad that I honestly don't want to work anyway and upset at myself for being relieved about not having to worry about it anymore.  Mad at myself for therefore putting more pressure on my husband who doesn't exactly enjoy his job either.  Mad at myself for throwing away a job when it's so hard these days to get a job at all.  Hoping that the person who took my place needs the money more than I do.

The cookbook may have to wait until January.  I think I already mentioned that.  I at least wish I had something to do for that, but nobody is even sending in recipes.  Nobody's going to until the promise of some NKOTB involvement comes through.  So for 2 months I do nothing?  I need something to put my time into. 
becomingkate: (Default)
So after I sent her a little nudge message, I heard back from the girl who was going to talk to Danny about the cookbook (check under the cookbook tag if you're new to this development) and she says he is interested in a cookbook, but since nkotb is recording an album right now he doesn't have the time to invest in being involved in one.  So I told her I am still interested in participating, whether it's my cookbook or the Remember Betty cookbook she mentioned, which I imagine he will go with over some crazy fan's independent cookbook, LOL.  She said he might want to hold off until January, which is a very long time.  I had a hard time waiting 3 weeks to hear back from her.  2-3 months...ugh.  But I'm at least optimistic that he didn't straight out say no.  Right?
becomingkate: (Default)
Dear readers, I tagged every single one of my entries for you yesterday.  I left some of them like the writers block topics and I put a meme tag on all the meme questions I answered, but I might go back and categorize them too someday.

I had forgotten I started this journal with the intent of it being a depressed mom's blog.  That's pretty much what I was, 5-6 years ago.  Thankfully since then I have gotten some obsessions hobbies that have helped me pull though.  But wow I had some scary moments.

Oh and also, I don't really talk about anything triggering here, aside from depression, fleeting thoughts of suicide and maybe some icky medical stuff, although I try not to go into much detail, and it's not really gory or anything, Really just more about bodily functions and stuff.  I do try to warn before I say something that might be bothersome.

I keep getting a feeling that something big is going to happen.  Last time I felt like this, I got a couple breakthroughs on my cookbook. I'm still waiting for the Remember Betty coordinator to talk to Danny, which should be soon based on what she told me.  I'm wrestling with contacting her again--I don't want to seem desperate.  If you're a little lost, you can look under the cookbook tag to catch up on what's going on.

Have a good day, folks!

becomingkate: (Default)
I still haven't heard back from Billy (story here, if you missed it:, but I noticed on one of the NKOTB fan sites on facebook that the organizer of Remember Betty is on facebook so I messaged her.  Remember Betty is a bunch of groups around the world who participate in Susan G. Komen for the Cure walks and raise money in the name of Betty Wood, who was the mother of Danny, one of the NKOTB.  She passed away from breast cancer in 1999.   The organizer of Remember Betty is in personal contact with Danny to keep him up to date on Remember Betty events and progress.  

I told her about the cookbook and asked if she'd be willing to bring it up to Danny and also if she could help me donate autographed items as raffle prizes for contributing for the cookbook and possibly donate some proceeds to Remember Betty when I start selling the cookbooks.  She said that Remember Betty might actually have something similar in the works with Actifry, which is a product Danny promotes a lot.  I told her I would love to work with Remember Betty if they were going to put a cookbook together--I am a culinary school trained chef and I would love to test recipes or help create recipes.

She said she is meeting up with Danny in a couple weeks and will mention my cookbook to him!!  And she will let me know if the Remember Betty cookbook or whatever they have planned is still in the works.

Oh god now I have to wait 2+ weeks!  

In other news I sort of quit my job yesterday,  I have been feeling too unwell to sit on a van for hours at a time and I went in to talk to my boss and she offered to give me a month off to try to get better.  After a month I'm supposed to call her and let her know if I feel well enough to come back.  I have a feeling it will take me longer than a month, since my first appt. with my new primary care doctor isn't even until the 15th.  But we'll see.  I am immensely enjoying the time off and the lack of stress about the job is already helping me feel better.  It's also nice to have time to do my errands without rushing or dragging an unwilling 5 year old with me. LOL  

becomingkate: (Default)
I'm thinking of quitting my job or at least trying to transfer to something else. Right now I'm a bus monitor on a small van that takes 3 kids to a school just out of state. I go twice a day-once to pick them up at their houses and bring them to school, and then after about a 3 hour break I go back to the school and we bring them home. It sounds easy right? Here's the problem-I've been having chronic stomach aches lately. Because of many medical issues I've had since birth this is very uncomfortable for me and I'm never sure if I'm going to be okay or if I'll need to run to a bathroom. This is not really cool when you're stuck on a van on the highway.

It's mostly anxiety, because usually as soon as I get home, or sometimes even after the kids have left the van, I start to feel better. But because it's so random, I'm never sure what's going to happen.

I'd love to stay home, but we make just a little less than enough money. My job is only part time-I really need a full time one. My husband is okay with me going back to school IF I study something I'm actually going to use. But how am I to know what will be lucrative?

I've mentioned before that I have a project in the works, and I've considered making a website for this project. I'd need to take some classes for that because I don't know the first thing about making websites.

I wish I could just function normally and get a real job but I don't think a lot of people are going to be accepting of my having to randomly find a bathroom all the time. LOL

My mom did mention that I could try for disability, which I guess I'll bring up with my doctor when I go in a couple weeks. I hate having to do that, because there are people with real disabilities and here I am just not being able to handle not being near a bathroom. I feel like that's a lame excuse. But I don't know what else to do. I also don't really want to go back to school. I'm not really very self motivated.

becomingkate: (Default)
Dang...I did like to write about NKOTB a lot, a long time ago.  I just went back and read a bunch of old entries.  They're good for a laugh, especially the one on June 20, 2011.  That was quite a day!

I have 2-3 hours of free time in the middle of my day now, since my son goes to school and I work a split shift.  I'm a bus monitor and we have to bring them to school, and then go back to take them home in the afternoon.  In my free time (you know, that time in which you should be doing something productive), I have started watching Dawson's Creek again.  It was one of my guilty pleasures back in the day.  Oh, it is so bad!   I don't know how the whole thing got accepted.  In just the pilot there are some major sexual situations.  I mean, like every conflict is based on sex.  LOL  It's still good fun and I'm a big fan of young Katie Holmes (before Tom Cruise ruined her).  I also based one of my characters in my fanfic on Pacey so it will be fun to watch him again and maybe get some inspiration to start that up again.

I'm working on a project I don't want to say much about but if I could get some good vibes about that, that would be awesome.  I have a good feeling about it.


becomingkate: (Default)

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