becomingkate: (Default)
 So when I announced the crisis intervention thing to my group of moms on facebook, I didn't really expect to get silence.  And that kind of thing just makes me realize maybe they're not really my friends.  I mean, they can spout parenting advice, talk all day about how to do this and that and lament about their husbands and kids and jobs, and then I tell them about a project I'm doing and all I get is a couple likes.  No replies at all.

You know I've had uneasy feelings about that group for a while now.  I just don't quite fit in, I don't think.  They're probably not really impressed with this volunteer job that mostly younger people probably take, kids in college who are interested in counseling and psychology.

Well whatever, it's out there now.  It's not that I need anyone's approval.  I'm happy to be doing this whether anyone pats me on the back for it or not.  It's just sort of embarrassing when you write up a heartfelt post on something you're doing that's important to you and nobody even says anything.

FWIW, they have been very supportive of me since I found out about my mom, and have asked me how she's doing periodically.  I just can't figure them out sometimes and I'm very disenchanted with them right now.

Here's another meme question:

A habit you wish you didn't have.

Eating junk.

That's it! I mean, I know certain things are horrible for you.  Reports come out that certain things are barely fit for human consumption and they don't bother me.  I have no idea why.  I'm pretty sure my dog's food is better quality than some of the food we eat.

It's like, I know a good piece of fish or a good soup or anything home made is going to taste better than a bowl of chips and Tostitos queso, but I can't get myself out of the habit.  I partially blame it on my parents who didn't let me even try fast food or junk food or even soda for a very long time.  I think once I moved out of the house I went crazy on it because I hadn't gotten used to it as a kid or teenager.  But then, if I'd eaten it since I was a kid, I'd probably still be eating it too.  I don't know.  It's just sad because I'm a good cook and I could pretty much make anything I wanted to eat but I'd rather go for the quick snacks in the pantry and the fridge and grab something from fast food on my way home than think about making something.

becomingkate: (Default)
 I don't know if one of you donated anonymously to my crisis intervention training page--I'm pretty sure it's one of you since you're the only people I've told about it--but if one of you did, thank you, and thanks for the kind note you left. :)
I'm still struggling with the idea of asking for help in raising the funds (I now need to raise $240 to continue to the training phase) but I have a select group of friends (besides you all) who I think I might ask for help.  

So now I will properly ask you guys as well, if you've got even a dollar to spare, you can do it here, but please don't feel obligated.

(link removed)

You can look at my other posts tagged 'crisis intervention' if you want to read back on the application process and the skype interview I had.  It all kind of came in the middle of my cat getting really sick and eventually dying, and finding out my mom has cancer so I put it on the back burner for a while, but it is still nagging at me back there, and that tells me that I should be pursuing it.
becomingkate: (Default)
 I feel bad that I haven't kept up with my wicca stuff.  I have 16 e mails from about.com in my wicca folder in my e mail that I haven't read.  Apparently Imbolc is coming up and I have no idea what it represents.  Sigh.  I missed Yule, too, mostly because I also celebrate Christmas (in that food, family and presents kind of way) and I was so sick all through December that I couldn't even sit up to read my e mail most days and find out about Yule and prepare a celebration.

It didn't even occur to me to use wicca to try to get better.  Duh.  Candles, crystals, rituals, etc. all at my fingertips and I didn't even think of it.

My husband thinks I should ask for donations towards my crisis intervention training.  I don't think I should, because I'm capable of covering it on my own.  However we are spending more money on the cat these days-I had to take her to the vet this morning because she couldn't stand up-turns out she is anemic and we're not sure why, all of a sudden it dropped and she won't sit on the blanket I prepared for her but she presses up against the heater so close that her skin should be red hot.

Anyway, I spend what would be the total cost of my training on the cat this morning, so maybe I should be asking for donations.  I don't know.  I just, I don't know if I want to share my profile with my family and real life people right now, because I talk about depression and hopelessness and I don't even know if my family knows I deal with all that.  And of course my mother is sick and we don't need people worrying about me and my problems when my mother has cancer.  Then again, the whole point of me doing it is that I think it's important to talk to people and get the whole mental illness, depression and suicide issue out there and make it okay to talk about it.

Sigh.
becomingkate: (Default)
 My profile's up!

Now the deal is I can pay for the training myself or I can raise donations from other people, but I hate doing that, and I rarely do it for anyone else so how can I expect anyone else to do it for me?  But I want to admire my pretty donation page for just a little bit.  I'll probably pay it off today or tomorrow.

*admires*


becomingkate: (Default)
 So I got the link to the background check site and got that filled out and turned in.

I let the cat out of her crate and she promptly threw up on the office floor.  She hasn't thrown up at all since we started the new food and we're weaning her into it slowly and everything.  However, she did have a solid poop today, so yay! I just hope she doesn't start throwing up instead...

My cousin apologized for putting up stuff about my mom on facebook and she said she took it down.  I didn't think she had to do that, since anyone who was going to see it probably already did.  But I think she is more aware that not everyone knows what's going on yet and she didn't even say that mom told her it was an invasive cancer, so I'm not sure how she came to that conclusion.
becomingkate: (Default)
 Yay, I passed the crisis intervention interview!

It's not like I was sitting there clicking refresh in my e mail...okay, maybe I was checking it very frequently.  I got the e mail and paid for the background check and already sent it back in, so now I just need to get the info to go fill out the form for the background check, and they do it, and I start training :D

I sent a quick facebook message to my cousin who was talking about my mom's cancer on facebook and asked her to please be careful what she posts, because I had heard no such thing about an invasive cancer and that my mother is probably telling people as she feels comfortable.  I can understand why mom would tell her sister something, especially since her sister is a retired nurse.  But then I don't get why Robyn went and said something.  All because she was asking for prayers.  My mom isn't even religious, LOL.


becomingkate: (Default)
 Well, I asked the supervisor a couple follow up questions in an e mail and she answered them today, but didn't let me know if I passed the interview.  I think I can kind of assume I did, or she's a brat for answering my questions and then tomorrow being like "Oh btw you failed."  LOL. But I'm still waiting for something more official.

There is a lot more junk going on in my life that I've been avoiding talking about because my dad has ongoing shoulder problems, and my husband saw spots in front of his eyes the other day and was jumbling his words all up, but that happens on a normal day (the jumbling words) so we don't know what exactly happened because he was at work and didn't go to the ER or anything.

My mother told me she found out she has cancer BUT she doesn't know what type or where or how bad it is, and she didn't even really want to talk to me when I called her the day of her PET scan just to see how she was feeling.  Then my mom's niece (on my mother's side) posted that my mom has some type of rare invasive disease, but my mother told me no such thing, so is her niece making shit up or did my mom tell her sister something she didn't tell me?  My mom's sister is a nurse so I wouldn't be surprised at all if my mom divulged details that she wasn't ready to tell me yet, but it's really not cool for her niece to spill stuff on the internet.  I feel it's my mom's responsibility (and right) to let people know as she feels comfortable.

Then my dad asked me if my mom told me not to tell him about the cancer, because he found out through his sister.  (she didn't ask me not to tell him, for the record.) Oh, why can't people keep their mouths shut?  I mean, if my mom wanted my dad to know (they haven't spoken in years, as far as I know), she can tell him, right?  She can ask me for his phone number or e mail address and tell him herself.

Now I don't even know if my mom knows that my dad knows, and my mom probably doesn't even know that her niece said that about invasive cancer on facebook, because my mom never goes on facebook.  So I'm keeping my mouth shut.  I feel it's the best thing to do, right?

My family is not usually gossipy and dramatic.  I don't even have a tag for drama, that's how drama free my life usually is.

I got an e mail on the day my dad and stepmom were supposed to leave for Cancun (they travel often) and it said that my stepmom was having bad back pain and spasms so they cancelled the trip.  

My cat is sick. I mentioned that in the last entry.  We have her in the dog crate and she poops and pees on puppy pads and we change them.  She's still eating and drinking but she's shockingly skinny.  It's scary, really.  I gave her a bath today and it was just...well, shocking and scary are the best words.  But the good news is she only pooped once today and I let her out of the crate for a while and she didn't poop on the floor.


becomingkate: (Default)
 Oh what a hectic morning...

So yes, I did have my interview this morning.  But first, last night we were discussing our cat.  She's been ailing for months, but not so badly that we feel like she has a bad quality of life.  It can't be fun, pooping puddles on the floor all the time, and she has been losing weight, but she isn't like, lying on the floor obviously dying or anything, so we tried a lot of different things to help her and nothing helped.  So we thought maybe we were out of options, except that $1500 option to get her checked out further for things like cancer.

This morning my husband woke me up at 9 to tell me we had a vet appt. at 10.  I hadn't told him about the interview yet, so I had to tell him then that I couldn't do 10, and why.  He called the vet back and rescheduled for 9:20 which meant we had to rush.

We got a doctor I hadn't met before and he gave us 2 new medications and new food.  He seemed confident that we'd see results.  We set up our dog's crate for her so she doesn't roam all over and continue to ruin our floors.

When 10:00 came and went I went into skype and found that she had called.  Dammit!  Nothing popped up for me to answer, like I thought it would.  Fortunately, she kept trying.  I hadn't expected that and I was so grateful.  I took her call while I was still at the vet and went to sit in the car to talk.  My husband was with me, so he took care of the vet appt and he drove home while I was still talking to her and everything.  The cat was meowing in the background and she was laughing about it and took it all in stride.

Skype is...not great.  There were various snafus but she was very patient and kept calling me back.  She was so nice, and we talked a bit about livejournal which she's also a member of.  I think I did really well, considering I've never done a phone interview.  She was very casual so I didn't feel like I had to sound professional or anything.

So she said probably tomorrow or the next day I should hear back if I made it through to the next step of training.

I wish my husband were excited for me.  He's always just kind of meh.  I just want him to be like Yay for you! But that's not really his reaction style.  I know it's not a huge deal in general, but it's big, for me.  And who knows what it could lead to, right?  He says the only thing is, he wishes it paid.  Well, it doesn't but it could lead to something that does.


becomingkate: (Default)
I got a call earlier today from my son's doctor.  He has an appt. today and they were calling to tell me that the person we signed up to see (there are a few doctors and NP's all from the same practice there) wouldn't be in.  They reminded me that they sent out a letter in November saying I needed to reschedule, which I obviously forgot about.  What I wish is that someone had followed up with me sooner.  I'm especially irritated because my husband took a call confirming the appointment a couple days ago.

So now we have an appt. at 11 with a new doctor whom we've never seen, but I didn't want to reschedule because I've been needing this appt for months.  His birthday was in November and they couldn't fit me in until now. His behavior is driving me up the wall, and our relationship and interaction always being at odds is hurting his quality of life as well.

Also, I forgot that my husband has tomorrow off, because he has Mondays off and because today is MLK day he gets Tuesday off in observance of that.  So he'll be home during my interview tomorrow which I still haven't told him about.  I mean it's ridiculous that I haven't told him yet, but I kind of have this superstition about talking too much about something I'm working towards.  I'm afraid I'm going to jinx it, but I guess if that were true, it would already be jinxed because I announced it in my journal. 

*sigh*
becomingkate: (Default)
 So after looking like a total dork by asking the employee a lot of questions about skype, I have my interview set up for Tuesday at 10 a.m. eastern time. Anyone who's up around that time or earlier if you could throw me a few good thoughts it would be appreciated. I'm sure I'll remind you all again before Tuesday. 

becomingkate: (Default)
 So, it turns out that the  skype chat is just voice chat, not video.  That's a relief.  I got an e mail tonight with a date and time, but I've had a couple drinks and I don't feel equipped to answer the e mail right now. LOL.  The date is for next Tuesday morning.  I've never used skype though, have any of you?  Why couldn't they just call my phone instead of having to go through skype, if it's not video chat?

I'm kind of freaking out here, but I'm drunk, haha.  I just needed to tell someone that I got the interview, since I haven't even told my husband I applied yet.  I also have not told him about the blog.  I don't think he'll be happy about the light I portrayed him in for the first entry.

PS, please go back to the blog--I updated it today and tomorrow I will be updating the "About" link that is above the entry and possibly doing another entry.
becomingkate: (Default)
 So, I did two big things yesterday.

First, I applied to volunteer at a crisis intervention chat site.  You have to fill out an application and a survey and then you have to skype with one of their employees and then raise money to fund the training, and then you are supervised in real chat situations and then I suppose you're on your own.  (At any of these points, they can decide you're not right for the position and decline your application.) The chat platform, as opposed to a phone hotline, appeals to me because I'm not very good on the phone.  The down side is the skype interview.  I not only have to talk on the phone, but the person can see me while we do it?  I don't even skype with family members.  I've done very well, avoiding skype and facetime (an iphone thing) with my family members, and now I have to do it with a stranger.  Yikes.

But I'm really pretty excited about that.  I have always wanted to be a support for people.  Right out of high school I wanted to be a psychologist.  I was in peer support group and I was a mentor to incoming freshmen at my high school.  I was a mentor at church to younger kids.  Then I went to college and it was scary.  Unfortunate things happened and I dropped out but I always regretted not following through.  I'm less eager to go to college now because ugh, college.  So I think this training thing, no bullshit where you have to take classes that have nothing to do with what you want to do, will work out for me.  I'm home all day and can definitely set aside the couple hours a day they estimate it will take for me to finish the training in the allotted time.  (You  have to finish within a certain time after you apply or they drop your application).

I think that because I've dealt with depression and hopelessness (and still do), that I can help people who are experiencing it.  It's one thing to have never felt that kind of despair, and to imagine it and tell someone "I know how you feel", but you really don't.  That's not to say that people who haven't been depressed can't be good counselors. 

The next thing I did was create a blog.  I made it yesterday on blogger or blogspot or whatever is that's connected with Google and then I couldn't freaking find it when I finished and it wouldn't let me make a customized name so I was like, 1038557463.blogspot.com, and I couldn't find my way back to make another post...so I moved it to Wordpress.  Custom name that makes sense, no weird login with Google+ or whatever, easy peasy.  

I've made many blogs.  If you dig deep enough you'll find my work on four or five different wordpress blogs and you might even find my first blog on diaryland, if it's still around.  But this, I hope this is for real.  My husband came up with an awful, superficial, stereotypical idea and I turned it into an idea I can live with.  If you read my first entry you'll get the whole story.

Now, this is how I am with new things.  I adore it for a week or two and then it gets tossed to the side of the path, strewn along with the other pieces of things I once thought I'd want to devote my life to.  And I find something new, and I think, "Now THIS, this is what I was born for", and that too gets forgotten.  This is where I need you.  How can you help me?  Visit my blog and spread the word.   If something resonates with you, you can like my posts, share them on your facebook or twitter or even link to them on your LJ or DW journal or wherever you have a website.

Oh, the link.  I'd appreciate it if you take a look.  weightandseeme.wordpress.com/

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