becomingkate: (Default)

Because I think certain people need to see this, and I hope the people I want to see this are reading it.  If this reminds you of someone you know, please repost it.  

I'd like to add that it doesn't just happen. You have to make some effort. Rarely does something worth having just fall into your lap.  I wish I could take my own advice, though.
becomingkate: (Default)
So I'm curious, for all of you who are married or in long term relationships.  How do you deal if your SO doesn't listen to you or remember things you say?

My husband's pretty great when you think about it.  He supports my nkotb obsession habit  passion, he is okay with me not working (sure it sucks sometimes when we have just enough or not quite enough money to eke by, but he never tells me to go get a effing job!), he doesn't give me too hard a time when I don't clean to his liking (because he's fairly obsessive about it and I can't live up to that).  

But...he can't listen to save his life.  I'm quite sure if I tried to tell him how to save his own life he'd completely block it out or fuck it up somehow.  He's not great with our son either.  He has quite the temper (both my son and my husband do actually) and they just end up arguing endlessly most of the time.  But he does try and there are certain things they are good at doing together and certain moments that are great. I shouldn't throw stones-I'm not exactly the model parent either! But we both try and I guess that's what counts.

But it could be worse.  And yet, I'm having a hard time coping with the fact that I'm living with two people who generally don't listen to me.  I supposed that's why I seek out positions of authority.  Why I'm on the religious education committee and why I love being a mod at ontdcreepy and I volunteer to cover church child care and teach church school classes and why I like to post long rants on websites.  I feel like someone is listening to me.  That I matter.

I'm trying to figure out how I'm supposed to keep up my feelings of self worth in this home situation.  I hardly ever offer up my opinion to anyone in real life and even until recently I didn't voice strong opinions online, either.  I've become even more withdrawn than I ever used to be, which believe me didn't seem possible.  I have trouble talking to people face to face.  I'm sure this is a product of my mainly online friendships.  When you have time to think before you type out a response it seems obvious that thinking and speaking on your feet would become more difficult.

I've been doing more things for myself, to try to keep up my sense of self.  I wear makeup again (I go through phases) and I light candles and use body lotion every day and turn on my salt lamp when I remember to.  Just trying to pamper myself.  I tend to live through my son.  Not in that creepy dance mom, pageant mom, etc. that you see who is trying to live out her own dreams through her kids, but just trying to make sure my son develops his own dreams and lives them out.  That he finds out who he is and what he wants out of life earlier than I did.  But I have to remember to take care of myself too.

Speaking of taking care of myself, I should probably get dressed. ;)
becomingkate: (Default)
Aren't you proud of me?  I've been writing a lot.

I actually have shit I need to get done but since I started this already, I'll write a bit.  I found a simple enough looking cheesecake recipe for Thanksgiving.  I got an idea to make an Oreo crusted cheesecake out of these Oreos that nobody eats and I've been fixated on that even though I don't really like cheesecake and I've never made one from scratch in my life.  I hope it doesn't suck.

Help! I can't stop buying things for my son!  His birthday was on Saturday and I'm already buying him more stuff.  The thing is, when he says "Mommy, I want to paint", I feel the need to run out and get him paints before the urge passes.  He has an easel my dad gave him one? two? years ago and he used it for a while and then we needed more space so it went up to the spare room and he never really used it again.  The other day he came down in his Home Depot smock with a paint brush in his hand and said "I want to paint but I couldn't find my paints."  So today I went out and got him paints (because his old ones dried up).  Watch, now he won't want to do it.

I just want to indulge him in his interests so hopefully he finds out what he loves (or even likes) to do a little earlier than mommy did.  So he's not stuck feeling like an empty shell because he didn't find out until he was married with kids that that's not really what he wanted, after all, and that he'd be much happier painting on the beach in Tahiti, or whatever his calling turns out to be.

*cough*  Sorry that went south a bit.  Why is it that when I start writing with a positive vibe it always downspirals into self-loathing?  LOL.

In good news, my son and I had a nice day yesterday.  We were so busy he didn't have time for meltdowns.  He got a gift from a friend at school who couldn't make it to his party.  It turned out to be something he already had, and the receipt was taped on the box!  Hooray!  At first he though he might want to keep it, just to have extra, but later on he decided he wanted to exchange it.  

At Toys R Us, I started feeling awful.  It's that time when my insides basically hate me.  So I asked him to please hurry and pick something and he was very good about that and we came home.  I felt awful and my son actually said, "Wow mommy, you must feel really bad."  It was one of the first signs of empathy I'd seen him display so earnestly like that.  Usually he's like, "Eh, whatever, help me with my Legos."
becomingkate: (Default)
Dear readers, I tagged every single one of my entries for you yesterday.  I left some of them like the writers block topics and I put a meme tag on all the meme questions I answered, but I might go back and categorize them too someday.

I had forgotten I started this journal with the intent of it being a depressed mom's blog.  That's pretty much what I was, 5-6 years ago.  Thankfully since then I have gotten some obsessions hobbies that have helped me pull though.  But wow I had some scary moments.

Oh and also, I don't really talk about anything triggering here, aside from depression, fleeting thoughts of suicide and maybe some icky medical stuff, although I try not to go into much detail, and it's not really gory or anything, Really just more about bodily functions and stuff.  I do try to warn before I say something that might be bothersome.

I keep getting a feeling that something big is going to happen.  Last time I felt like this, I got a couple breakthroughs on my cookbook. I'm still waiting for the Remember Betty coordinator to talk to Danny, which should be soon based on what she told me.  I'm wrestling with contacting her again--I don't want to seem desperate.  If you're a little lost, you can look under the cookbook tag to catch up on what's going on.

Have a good day, folks!

becomingkate: (Default)
Things never seem to change with me.  Every time they do change I'm just not comfortable with it and I go back to my old ways.  I don't understand myself and I don't know if I ever will. 

When I think about this, the future is very bleak.  I keep thinking I'm working towards who I really am and who I really wanted to be.  But then I think, maybe this is it.  I'm just one of those people who never really belonged here, on earth, with a life, and a family, and other things I could affect with my misery.  But still I'm here, and I don't know if there is a reason for it or if life is arbitrary and meaningless.  I'm starting to think it was all one big mistake.  There is no meaning of life, no mark you are supposed to leave on earth.  We're supposed to get our life done and leave.  That's why we're eating, smoking and drinking ourselves to death.  It's supposed to be this way.

When I started this entry, I had no idea it would be this dark.  I have no idea who or what is speaking through me, but I wish it would stop.
becomingkate: (Default)
It's like I've given up.  I know I'm being a shitty mom, wife, and person in general.  But I feel so defeated sometimes.  It's like when I try it all backfires or goes unnoticed.  I don't understand it.  I want to hug my son, hold my husband.  But it's like they slip through my fingers like sand, get the wrong idea, think I'm smothering them.  They don't notice I'm crying out.  They don't see that I want it to be different this time.  So why should I bother?  If he's just as happy watching tv, or playing by himself, why should I try?  When it just makes him mad that I throw the ball for him, and he just wants to throw it up the stairs, and watch it tumble down, and he bursts into giggles and does it again, and that makes him happy, why should I try to involve myself?  If he's just as happy staying at home as he is going to the farm, or the playground, isn't that okay?


Jul. 29th, 2009 08:20 am
becomingkate: (Default)
I meant to tell my therapist yesterday that I would not be seeing her anymore.  She usually just sits and listens to me.  She doesn't offer any help for my problems, and she can't remember my family members' names or many specific details from appointment to appointment.  Sure, we only meet once a month, but doesn't she have a cheat sheet she could go over or something?

Anyway, I meant to break up with her yesterday.  But she finally said the magic therapist catch phrase: "Talk to me about that", and leaned a little forward in her chair.  I must have said something that interested her, but now I can't even remember what it was.  And it occured to me that maybe I think I'm being open with my problems, but I'm really not.  Maybe I need to tell her more.  We haven't even touched upon my bisexual tendencies, or the suspicion that I have an eating disorder.

Sometimes it's just nice to feel like your problems interest someone other than yourself. 


becomingkate: (Default)

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