Today

Jun. 10th, 2011 03:20 pm
becomingkate: (Default)
Today is feel sorry for myself day.
I made a last minute decision to go to the nkotbsb concert at Fenway tomorrow.  It's all my husband's fault--I was fine with not going, I had already bought a ticket to the Boston Garden show and then they announced Fenway, and I didn't have enough money at the time for both.  So a few days ago I walked in the house after dropping off our son at preschool and my husband said "You know, Fenway tickets aren't very expensive on ebay.  Why haven't you gotten any?"

So that was enough hint for me.  But I have been to so many nkotb events by myself or as a tag along, I wanted to find someone to actually go with.  Shouldn't be hard, right?  Between the girls I'd met on the cruise and a couple friends from home who expressed jealousy when I talked about past nkotb events, surely I'd be able to find someone to at least have a drink with beforehand, even if they already had a ticket.

No go.  Not even the people who already had tickets took me up on my offer to meet up before the show. I even asked my husband because he has not had a nkotb experience and I would love to share one with him.  He couldn't get the time off.
I asked my sister in law, who I went to a backstreet boys concert with many years ago.  She was busy.

So I bought my solo ticket and announced my happiness on twitter.  Nothing.  No "oh, you're going? we're going to dinner, want to come?"  Nothing.

I am sick of being the last person people think of, if they think of me at all.  I'm tired of being the loner who attaches to a group of girls who all know each other just so I don't feel like a loser.  I'm tired of being left out.  I know I have zero personality but it makes me sad that people would rather be friends with gossipers and backstabbers instead of someone who keeps her mouth shut and just wants to have a good time.
becomingkate: (Default)
I'm such a party pooper tonight.  DH can stay up late because he doesn't have to work tomorrow, but I'm not in the mood to do anything.  He even tried to get me to watch a horror movie but I wasn't up for it.  I don't like making him watch that stuff with me--he's sweet for trying to humor me, but I know he's not into it.  So he's in the office playing Starcraft 2 and I'm in the living room, bored.  I'm such a dud.  I can't even drown my ambivalence in food or alcohol because I'm trying not to snack so much at night, although I did just finish a Jack and diet Coke.  Tomorrow I make a trip to the grocery store to pick up some stuff for my meal plan.  Man, I hope this weight loss thing works quick. I'm looking forward to being skinny again, though.
becomingkate: (Default)
I watch the Rotten Tomatoes movie review tv show and they always have an actor on to review his/her top 5 favorite movies.  Tilda Swinton was just on and one of her faves is Let The Right One In.  I still haven't seen it, but I just added it to my queue.

My husband has obviously had too much to drink because he says Tilda is hot.  I agree, but she is so not his type.  I mean really, she looks like a 12 year old boy.

Sometimes I wish I could go back and be a different person.  I think, knowing what I know now, if I were to relive high school, I'd be emo.

Maybe I've had too much to drink, too.
becomingkate: (Default)
Things never seem to change with me.  Every time they do change I'm just not comfortable with it and I go back to my old ways.  I don't understand myself and I don't know if I ever will. 

When I think about this, the future is very bleak.  I keep thinking I'm working towards who I really am and who I really wanted to be.  But then I think, maybe this is it.  I'm just one of those people who never really belonged here, on earth, with a life, and a family, and other things I could affect with my misery.  But still I'm here, and I don't know if there is a reason for it or if life is arbitrary and meaningless.  I'm starting to think it was all one big mistake.  There is no meaning of life, no mark you are supposed to leave on earth.  We're supposed to get our life done and leave.  That's why we're eating, smoking and drinking ourselves to death.  It's supposed to be this way.

When I started this entry, I had no idea it would be this dark.  I have no idea who or what is speaking through me, but I wish it would stop.
becomingkate: (Default)
It's like I've given up.  I know I'm being a shitty mom, wife, and person in general.  But I feel so defeated sometimes.  It's like when I try it all backfires or goes unnoticed.  I don't understand it.  I want to hug my son, hold my husband.  But it's like they slip through my fingers like sand, get the wrong idea, think I'm smothering them.  They don't notice I'm crying out.  They don't see that I want it to be different this time.  So why should I bother?  If he's just as happy watching tv, or playing by himself, why should I try?  When it just makes him mad that I throw the ball for him, and he just wants to throw it up the stairs, and watch it tumble down, and he bursts into giggles and does it again, and that makes him happy, why should I try to involve myself?  If he's just as happy staying at home as he is going to the farm, or the playground, isn't that okay?

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