Becoming Kate
May. 12th, 2009 02:05 amHello,
I don't care if anyone is reading this. I created an online journal so I could type instead of write, which is much faster and harder to lose. I am doing this for myself. If you're reading this, I can't say I hope you enjoy it.. It's kind of like handing you a piece of roadkill and saying eat up. I don't expect you to like it, or understand it, or want to do it again, but if you're here, make yourself comfortable. I can promise you'll laugh, cry, roll your eyes, get angry, and maybe take a look inside yourself.
I am about to turn 30 years old. But in my own head and if you look at my life and my path, I feel and live like I'm a lot younger. I don't know where I'm going, or even where I want to go. Lately I have been reliving my past, both in good times and bad. I have reverted to being obsessed with a boy band, and I have developed a crush on a friend--who just happens to be a girl. I am married, with a 2 1/2 year old son. I am a cook, but not a very good one, at least not while I'm on the job. I love the idea of food. I love the science behind it, I love to know how it works and what things taste like and why, and where they come from, but I cannot execute the job as smoothly and professionally as I'd like to.
My mind wanders a lot. I love my alone time. I love to waste time. I want time to go by quickly and slowly at the same time and I have yet to figure out how to do that.
I love my son, and my husband. I know I hurt them sometimes just by being how I am. I know I'm not the best I can be, or the best that I want to be. I'm trying to figure out how to get there. Sometimes I slip very far from that.
I just watched a movie where the main character was told "You are between who you think you are, and who you can become." This is me. I want to become who I can be. I want to get up off my ass and make a difference. I want to feel like I am what helps to make things great-- not that things are great in spite of me.
Ok so I lied. I want to know people are reading this. I need your help. I want to rise from Just Kate to Kate, and a little support along the way will help a whole lot.
Just Kate is my nickname from when I was a little girl. I wanted to be called Katy for a long time. When I decided I wanted to be called Kate instead, I made the announcement at a family reunion, that I was just Kate now. To this day one of my cousins calls me Just Kate.
It occurs to me now that I don't want to be "just" anything. This is how I describe my job too--when people ask if I am the chef at my restaurant, I say "No, I'm just a cook."
I am a mom, a wife, a daughter, a cousin, niece. I have a step family and an inlaw family. You can't tell me I am a part of so many people's lives without making some difference. And yet I think I am not making *enough* difference. I'm not leaving my mark for those to remember me.
My son is waking from his nap. If I want to make a difference, the shortest distance to that point is through him.
Until later,
Becoming Kate
I don't care if anyone is reading this. I created an online journal so I could type instead of write, which is much faster and harder to lose. I am doing this for myself. If you're reading this, I can't say I hope you enjoy it.. It's kind of like handing you a piece of roadkill and saying eat up. I don't expect you to like it, or understand it, or want to do it again, but if you're here, make yourself comfortable. I can promise you'll laugh, cry, roll your eyes, get angry, and maybe take a look inside yourself.
I am about to turn 30 years old. But in my own head and if you look at my life and my path, I feel and live like I'm a lot younger. I don't know where I'm going, or even where I want to go. Lately I have been reliving my past, both in good times and bad. I have reverted to being obsessed with a boy band, and I have developed a crush on a friend--who just happens to be a girl. I am married, with a 2 1/2 year old son. I am a cook, but not a very good one, at least not while I'm on the job. I love the idea of food. I love the science behind it, I love to know how it works and what things taste like and why, and where they come from, but I cannot execute the job as smoothly and professionally as I'd like to.
My mind wanders a lot. I love my alone time. I love to waste time. I want time to go by quickly and slowly at the same time and I have yet to figure out how to do that.
I love my son, and my husband. I know I hurt them sometimes just by being how I am. I know I'm not the best I can be, or the best that I want to be. I'm trying to figure out how to get there. Sometimes I slip very far from that.
I just watched a movie where the main character was told "You are between who you think you are, and who you can become." This is me. I want to become who I can be. I want to get up off my ass and make a difference. I want to feel like I am what helps to make things great-- not that things are great in spite of me.
Ok so I lied. I want to know people are reading this. I need your help. I want to rise from Just Kate to Kate, and a little support along the way will help a whole lot.
Just Kate is my nickname from when I was a little girl. I wanted to be called Katy for a long time. When I decided I wanted to be called Kate instead, I made the announcement at a family reunion, that I was just Kate now. To this day one of my cousins calls me Just Kate.
It occurs to me now that I don't want to be "just" anything. This is how I describe my job too--when people ask if I am the chef at my restaurant, I say "No, I'm just a cook."
I am a mom, a wife, a daughter, a cousin, niece. I have a step family and an inlaw family. You can't tell me I am a part of so many people's lives without making some difference. And yet I think I am not making *enough* difference. I'm not leaving my mark for those to remember me.
My son is waking from his nap. If I want to make a difference, the shortest distance to that point is through him.
Until later,
Becoming Kate