May. 12th, 2009

becomingkate: (Default)
Hello,
I don't care if anyone is reading this.  I created an online journal so I could type instead of write, which is much faster and harder to lose.  I am doing this for myself.  If you're reading this, I can't say I hope you enjoy it..  It's kind of like handing you a piece of roadkill and saying eat up.  I don't expect you to like it, or understand it, or want to do it again, but if you're here, make yourself comfortable.  I can promise you'll laugh, cry, roll your eyes, get angry, and maybe take a look inside yourself.

I am about to turn 30 years old.  But in my own head and if you look at my life and my path, I feel and live like I'm a lot younger.  I don't know where I'm going, or even where I want to go.  Lately I have been reliving my past, both in good times and bad.  I have reverted to being obsessed with a boy band, and I have developed a crush on a friend--who just happens to be a girl.  I am married, with a 2 1/2 year old son.  I am a cook, but not a very good one, at least not while I'm on the job.  I love the idea of food.  I love the science behind it, I love to know how it works and what things taste like and why, and where they come from, but I cannot execute the job as smoothly and professionally as I'd like to.

My mind wanders a lot.  I love my alone time.  I love to waste time.  I want time to go by quickly and slowly at the same time and I have yet to figure out how to do that.

I love my son, and my husband.  I know I hurt them sometimes just by being how I am.  I know I'm not the best I can be, or the best that I want to be.  I'm trying to figure out how to get there.  Sometimes I slip very far from that.

I just watched a movie where the main character was told "You are between who you think you are, and who you can become."  This is me.  I want to become who I can be.  I want to get up off my ass and make a difference.  I want to feel like I am what helps to make things great-- not that things are great in spite of me.

Ok so I lied.  I want to know people are reading this.  I need your help.  I want to rise from Just Kate to Kate, and a little support along the way will help a whole lot.

Just Kate is my nickname from when I was a little girl.  I wanted to be called Katy for a long time.  When I decided I wanted to be called Kate instead, I made the announcement at a family reunion, that I was just Kate now.  To this day one of my cousins calls me Just Kate.

It occurs to me now that I don't want to be "just" anything.  This is how I describe my job too--when people ask if I am the chef at my restaurant, I say "No, I'm just a cook."

I am a mom, a wife, a daughter, a cousin, niece.  I have a step family and an inlaw family.  You can't tell me I am a part of so many people's lives without making some difference.  And yet I think I am not making *enough* difference.  I'm not leaving my mark for those to remember me.

My son is waking from his nap.  If I want to make a difference, the shortest distance to that point is through him.
Until later,
Becoming Kate

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