becomingkate

So I'm curious, for all of you who are married or in long term relationships.  How do you deal if your SO doesn't listen to you or remember things you say?

My husband's pretty great when you think about it.  He supports my nkotb obsession habit  passion, he is okay with me not working (sure it sucks sometimes when we have just enough or not quite enough money to eke by, but he never tells me to go get a effing job!), he doesn't give me too hard a time when I don't clean to his liking (because he's fairly obsessive about it and I can't live up to that).  

But...he can't listen to save his life.  I'm quite sure if I tried to tell him how to save his own life he'd completely block it out or fuck it up somehow.  He's not great with our son either.  He has quite the temper (both my son and my husband do actually) and they just end up arguing endlessly most of the time.  But he does try and there are certain things they are good at doing together and certain moments that are great. I shouldn't throw stones-I'm not exactly the model parent either! But we both try and I guess that's what counts.

But it could be worse.  And yet, I'm having a hard time coping with the fact that I'm living with two people who generally don't listen to me.  I supposed that's why I seek out positions of authority.  Why I'm on the religious education committee and why I love being a mod at ontdcreepy and I volunteer to cover church child care and teach church school classes and why I like to post long rants on websites.  I feel like someone is listening to me.  That I matter.

I'm trying to figure out how I'm supposed to keep up my feelings of self worth in this home situation.  I hardly ever offer up my opinion to anyone in real life and even until recently I didn't voice strong opinions online, either.  I've become even more withdrawn than I ever used to be, which believe me didn't seem possible.  I have trouble talking to people face to face.  I'm sure this is a product of my mainly online friendships.  When you have time to think before you type out a response it seems obvious that thinking and speaking on your feet would become more difficult.


I've been doing more things for myself, to try to keep up my sense of self.  I wear makeup again (I go through phases) and I light candles and use body lotion every day and turn on my salt lamp when I remember to.  Just trying to pamper myself.  I tend to live through my son.  Not in that creepy dance mom, pageant mom, etc. that you see who is trying to live out her own dreams through her kids, but just trying to make sure my son develops his own dreams and lives them out.  That he finds out who he is and what he wants out of life earlier than I did.  But I have to remember to take care of myself too.

Speaking of taking care of myself, I should probably get dressed. ;)

Dear readers, I tagged every single one of my entries for you yesterday.  I left some of them like the writers block topics and I put a meme tag on all the meme questions I answered, but I might go back and categorize them too someday.

I had forgotten I started this journal with the intent of it being a depressed mom's blog.  That's pretty much what I was, 5-6 years ago.  Thankfully since then I have gotten some obsessions hobbies that have helped me pull though.  But wow I had some scary moments.

Oh and also, I don't really talk about anything triggering here, aside from depression, fleeting thoughts of suicide and maybe some icky medical stuff, although I try not to go into much detail, and it's not really gory or anything, Really just more about bodily functions and stuff.  I do try to warn before I say something that might be bothersome.

I keep getting a feeling that something big is going to happen.  Last time I felt like this, I got a couple breakthroughs on my cookbook. I'm still waiting for the Remember Betty coordinator to talk to Danny, which should be soon based on what she told me.  I'm wrestling with contacting her again--I don't want to seem desperate.  If you're a little lost, you can look under the cookbook tag to catch up on what's going on.

Have a good day, folks!

It's like I've given up.  I know I'm being a shitty mom, wife, and person in general.  But I feel so defeated sometimes.  It's like when I try it all backfires or goes unnoticed.  I don't understand it.  I want to hug my son, hold my husband.  But it's like they slip through my fingers like sand, get the wrong idea, think I'm smothering them.  They don't notice I'm crying out.  They don't see that I want it to be different this time.  So why should I bother?  If he's just as happy watching tv, or playing by himself, why should I try?  When it just makes him mad that I throw the ball for him, and he just wants to throw it up the stairs, and watch it tumble down, and he bursts into giggles and does it again, and that makes him happy, why should I try to involve myself?  If he's just as happy staying at home as he is going to the farm, or the playground, isn't that okay?