becomingkate

 I feel bad that I haven't kept up with my wicca stuff.  I have 16 e mails from about.com in my wicca folder in my e mail that I haven't read.  Apparently Imbolc is coming up and I have no idea what it represents.  Sigh.  I missed Yule, too, mostly because I also celebrate Christmas (in that food, family and presents kind of way) and I was so sick all through December that I couldn't even sit up to read my e mail most days and find out about Yule and prepare a celebration.

It didn't even occur to me to use wicca to try to get better.  Duh.  Candles, crystals, rituals, etc. all at my fingertips and I didn't even think of it.

My husband thinks I should ask for donations towards my crisis intervention training.  I don't think I should, because I'm capable of covering it on my own.  However we are spending more money on the cat these days-I had to take her to the vet this morning because she couldn't stand up-turns out she is anemic and we're not sure why, all of a sudden it dropped and she won't sit on the blanket I prepared for her but she presses up against the heater so close that her skin should be red hot.

Anyway, I spend what would be the total cost of my training on the cat this morning, so maybe I should be asking for donations.  I don't know.  I just, I don't know if I want to share my profile with my family and real life people right now, because I talk about depression and hopelessness and I don't even know if my family knows I deal with all that.  And of course my mother is sick and we don't need people worrying about me and my problems when my mother has cancer.  Then again, the whole point of me doing it is that I think it's important to talk to people and get the whole mental illness, depression and suicide issue out there and make it okay to talk about it.

Sigh.

 Some people have expressed interest in my study of Wicca.  I mentioned I have a display, which is on top of my dresser in my room.  I don't use it for rituals or anything but just as a display, a representation of the symbols of the season.  It was kind of what I had going in the display in our living room before I even started studying Wicca, except this is a little more personal and I hope to keep up with it better.

The first display I did was the celebration of the dark mother.  I read about it in one of my about.com e mails and I googled a little bit and got some ideas for the display.  I have red and yellow flowers, a black sprig of something and wheat, an empty basket and a red candle for Demeter and a black one for Persephone.  The flowers are not real, I wish they were, but where would one find black flowers, and also I planned on leaving this up so long that the real flowers would be dead soon anyway, not sure if this would really be a good idea.  

This display symbolizes the Greek myth of Demeter, the goddess of grains and fertility and Persephone, her daughter.  Basically Zeus, Persephone's father, promised Persephone to Hades, god of the underworld, behind Demeter's back (that's another story).  Demeter was so distraught, she tried to get Persephone back, but Persephone had already been tricked into eating pomegranate seeds in the underworld, which meant she could never permanently leave.  She was allowed to come back for a few months each year.  Demeter, in her grief, doesn't let anything grow when Persephone lives in the underworld.  Hence, winter.

The black candle and black leaves represent Persephone and the colored items represent Demeter.

So, long story short, the celebration of the dark mother is a celebration of darkness, of the end of the life cycle.



Today I changed it to a Mabon display.  Mabon is a holiday in celebration of the harvest.  I filled the basket with pumpkins and gourds and swapped out the red candle for a white one.  Mabon is about balance, darkness and light because of the day and night becoming the same length on that day.  





Sorry if the images are too big.  I'm going to keep playing with it if it is.  Also sorry the second one is a bit blurry.

 So I signed up for an online course on paganism which is basically just a series of e mails that each have a gazillion links that lead to a gazillion more links and before you know it, it's worse than getting lost in wikipedia or cracked.com.  And who shows up in the second e mail but Demeter.  She's goddess of the harvest and Mabon is coming up so that's awesome.  

I ordered a candle kit today, although I noticed too late that it doesn't come with a thermometer.  I saw some at the craft store so I guess I'll just go pick one up later and maybe an essential oil or two.  I ordered a kit with soy wax after reading about the benefits.  I figure I'll start with that.  The reviews said it's an excellent kit for beginners.

I read more about the different branches of Paganism and decided it would be in my best interest to remain solitary.  After all, the whole reason I got away from UUism was because I felt too pressured by the social aspect.  I think what I'm after in this journey is a better connection to myself.  After all, how can you make connections to other people if you don't even know yourself?

There is just so much information! I love it. And I keep reminding myself not to get overwhelmed.  I want to learn all the things at once but I know I'll burn myself out if I do.

Disclaimer: I'm extremely new to paganism. Some of my musings and discoveries might make you think "LOL noob" but I'm doing this all in earnest and I don't mean to offend.  If I'm doing anything seriously wrong I'm open to advice.  Just be nice to me :)

Also, I'm sorry about the change in fonts and sizes.  Because I cut and pasted a couple things, I couldn't seem to make it all look the same.  

 So, this is sort of odd even for me, I keep thinking did this really happen?

Some of you know I've been thinking a lot about paganism lately.  It came from being dissatisfied with my UU church, and thinking about going back to what I liked before I joined UUism as an adult (after leaving it when I graduated high school, I kind of drifted, showed up at a UU service here and there but never became a member of one until about 4 years ago).

Back when I was between churches, I just liked sort of earthy stuff.  I have always collected semiprecious stones, candles, felt something special with nature and the night.  I never believed in a god as Christans portray it, but more of just...beings that are out there, who live in us and live in nature.

So I think not really identifying with any religion in particular was sort of good but bad in a way because it didn't help give me any identity.  "I am a UU" I'd say, but I wasn't wholeheartedly into it.  I didn't feel like it was family, as people who really identify with it like to say.  So I left the UU church, much to everyone's surprise.  And paganism has been on my mind ever since.  I did some reading about what it was all about and I liked what I read.  Now I need to preface this by saying I didn't read about any specific names of gods or goddesses.  I read a very general book that didn't really go into that.  

A couple nights ago, I read that I should ask for guidance and keep an eye out for symbols and signs of which particular deities I could identify with. So I spoke to them.  I drew a circle and said a few words about its purpose of protection and I stood in it.  I said please, I'm looking for guidance, I don't know what exactly I'm looking for but I need help in finding out if this is the path for me.


Last night I had a dream.  It made no sense-my husband, who used to own a store with me that has since closed, bought an online business and he was positively giddy over it.  I believe it was an "online restaurant" which I guess made sense at the time and maybe came from the time I spent yesterday looking over a menu online before ordering some sushi.  LOL brain.  But anyway, and this is where it gets weird, the name of the place was very clear.  I looked at the online menu and the name was right on it, and I think I've heard it's usual to be able to read things in dreams, but I did.  It was called Demetria.

Now, I don't know a Demetria. The name means nothing to me.  It sounded Greek to me but that was all I really recognized about it.  I half woke up and made a mental note to look it up.

"Demetria is a given name, the feminine form of the Greek name Demetrius, which means 'follower of Demeter'.<sup>[1]"
Uh...wow.  I mean, I'm seriously blown away by this.  I believe in signs, but nothing like this has happened in a very long time. 


Amongst other things, she is the goddess of the harvest.  I also found this:

"Call upon Demeter to give you courage to face any adversity, she will also help guide you through any family issues."

Anyone who reads my journal knows that we have a multitude of family issues. Did I just find my goddess?  Rather, did she find me?</sup>