becomingkate

Today is feel sorry for myself day.
I made a last minute decision to go to the nkotbsb concert at Fenway tomorrow.  It's all my husband's fault--I was fine with not going, I had already bought a ticket to the Boston Garden show and then they announced Fenway, and I didn't have enough money at the time for both.  So a few days ago I walked in the house after dropping off our son at preschool and my husband said "You know, Fenway tickets aren't very expensive on ebay.  Why haven't you gotten any?"

So that was enough hint for me.  But I have been to so many nkotb events by myself or as a tag along, I wanted to find someone to actually go with.  Shouldn't be hard, right?  Between the girls I'd met on the cruise and a couple friends from home who expressed jealousy when I talked about past nkotb events, surely I'd be able to find someone to at least have a drink with beforehand, even if they already had a ticket.

No go.  Not even the people who already had tickets took me up on my offer to meet up before the show. I even asked my husband because he has not had a nkotb experience and I would love to share one with him.  He couldn't get the time off.
I asked my sister in law, who I went to a backstreet boys concert with many years ago.  She was busy.

So I bought my solo ticket and announced my happiness on twitter.  Nothing.  No "oh, you're going? we're going to dinner, want to come?"  Nothing.

I am sick of being the last person people think of, if they think of me at all.  I'm tired of being the loner who attaches to a group of girls who all know each other just so I don't feel like a loser.  I'm tired of being left out.  I know I have zero personality but it makes me sad that people would rather be friends with gossipers and backstabbers instead of someone who keeps her mouth shut and just wants to have a good time.

I watch the Rotten Tomatoes movie review tv show and they always have an actor on to review his/her top 5 favorite movies.  Tilda Swinton was just on and one of her faves is Let The Right One In.  I still haven't seen it, but I just added it to my queue.

My husband has obviously had too much to drink because he says Tilda is hot.  I agree, but she is so not his type.  I mean really, she looks like a 12 year old boy.

Sometimes I wish I could go back and be a different person.  I think, knowing what I know now, if I were to relive high school, I'd be emo.

Maybe I've had too much to drink, too.

It's like I've given up.  I know I'm being a shitty mom, wife, and person in general.  But I feel so defeated sometimes.  It's like when I try it all backfires or goes unnoticed.  I don't understand it.  I want to hug my son, hold my husband.  But it's like they slip through my fingers like sand, get the wrong idea, think I'm smothering them.  They don't notice I'm crying out.  They don't see that I want it to be different this time.  So why should I bother?  If he's just as happy watching tv, or playing by himself, why should I try?  When it just makes him mad that I throw the ball for him, and he just wants to throw it up the stairs, and watch it tumble down, and he bursts into giggles and does it again, and that makes him happy, why should I try to involve myself?  If he's just as happy staying at home as he is going to the farm, or the playground, isn't that okay?