I don't know how it happens.

[becomingkate]

It's like I've given up.  I know I'm being a shitty mom, wife, and person in general.  But I feel so defeated sometimes.  It's like when I try it all backfires or goes unnoticed.  I don't understand it.  I want to hug my son, hold my husband.  But it's like they slip through my fingers like sand, get the wrong idea, think I'm smothering them.  They don't notice I'm crying out.  They don't see that I want it to be different this time.  So why should I bother?  If he's just as happy watching tv, or playing by himself, why should I try?  When it just makes him mad that I throw the ball for him, and he just wants to throw it up the stairs, and watch it tumble down, and he bursts into giggles and does it again, and that makes him happy, why should I try to involve myself?  If he's just as happy staying at home as he is going to the farm, or the playground, isn't that okay?