becomingkate | Entries tagged with my husband

So after my surgery, they put in a catheter to keep my bladder drained so it would heal right. I was supposed to get the catheter taken out yesterday, but they did a CT scan to make sure there were no leaks in the bladder, and there was. Apparently there is a small tear at the incision. So I have to keep the catheter in and go get checked in another week. Fingers crossed that it is all healed up by then.

I know I said some heavy stuff in the last entry. I do feel like something has to give. I just don't know how to come back from being this dissatisfied. And if like I fear, the tear is caused by not getting enough help at home, I don't want to risk that again. We'll never really know, though, if it was from him not letting me rest enough or just if I turned funny in my sleep one night or something. I haven't even really approached my feelings with my husband. It seems he kind of knows that I'm unhappy but is doing a really good job of putting his head in the sand. Not like he doesn't care, but that he just...doesn't know what to do? I guess. It's just really hard when things seem obvious to me but he doesn't have a clue.

Crossposts: https://becomingkate.livejournal.com/271473.html

I finally had a sort of meltdown the other day. A quiet one that mostly occurred in my head, lol. I got so fed up with everything here at home. I felt like I was just treading water at best, sinking at worst. And I felt like my husband knew all this was going on but didn't bother or know how to change it. Like every day I'd have the same complaints and he still thought everything was fine. Like I was supposed to bitch about things every day to get through to him. That's not my style. I tell you I'm unhappy, I expect you to realize I'm still unhappy the next day if nothing else has changed. And yes there is that whole "change your perspective" thing but I've tried doing that so many times I don't know which way is up anymore.

I used to be able to keep it together while my husband so visibly had an intolerance for children and animals (when we started the relationship, he appeared to have an affection for both, but those were my rose-colored glasses I guess). Loving children and animals is sort of my base standard for humans. If you don't, we won't get along. So that was just the beginning, when we had to not have cats anymore because my husband realized he's allergic, and refuses to take medication for it. Then we had a kid and he immediately had zero patience. That was a huge disappointment. But I was able to carry on. Now that our son is reaching puberty, he needs positive male role models. He has some teachers, but not really mentors or anything. And I don't want to take away from the resources for families who really need it--who don't have a father figure, or positive teachers, or anything.

I used to be able to at least fake it that I liked parenting. It wasn't so bad. But it's worn on me, to have a partner physically there (sometimes, at least) but emotionally not there. And I let down that facade that everything was fine. This evolved into anger and depression.

So anyway, after years of trying to keep up appearances I recently started talking to people on 7 cups (where I am also a listener) about my situation. I got some advice on both sides-how to try to improve things if I stayed, and how I would cope if I left. I found myself disagreeing with those who suggested staying. I've stayed for this long. What's to make me expect that anything will change this time?

So a couple years ago, I actually looked up apartments. More expensive than I expected. I started trying to figure out who would have our son and when, and I worried that my husband would turn against me at the news of my departure, and try to take our son full time, or deny me any compensation, etc.

We are not bad as friends. It's parenting and marriage we suck at. If all we had to do was watch TV, go out once in a while, and go on the computer, we'd be great room mates. We just can't seem to make it work with our different parenting styles.

Neither one of us was really adamant that we wanted kids, but we weren't adamant that we didn't, either. I assumed that if we did have one, we'd do the best parenting we could. Who really wants to be a bad parent? We didn't, so we thought it would come more naturally to be good ones.

On the day I was looking up apartments, I finally told my husband I'd been thinking about leaving. Once again I said why I was (still) unhappy. Once again he said he would try harder, but that he had been trying (which is funny, because I actually feel that things have gotten worse lately). I also said if I wasn't happy in about a month, I was considering leaving. I don't know if that's enough time, or at the same time too much time, after the years I've already been waiting for him to wake up.

I have a feeling if I do leave, I'm going to wish I did it years ago. If it gets better and I stay, I'm going to wonder why it took so long to get better.

Crossposts: https://becomingkate.livejournal.com/269886.html

I don't think I've made a pro/con list in about 20 years. funny enough, it was about my husband (then boyfriend) and the guy I was dating at the time. But I feel like rather than ramble on about what I'm feeling it would be more succinct to make a list.

Pros of leaving my husband:

I could own a cat (or two) again!)

Probably better self esteem for both me and my son

Not having to worry about if someone else is happy (besides my son)

More freedom to do things on my own

Not have to feel the stigma of wanting to take meds or exploring getting my son on some ADD meds (my husband is very anti-meds even for physical problems, not just mental)

Can have things my own way at home and not have to remind my husband day in and day out where to put things or where I'm going or what I have going on that day

Cons:

I've never lived on my own

I don't know a damn thing about setting up my own bills, computer, phone, etc.

Finances might be an issue if my husband turns bitter and doesn't help out

I'd have to juggle a lot, with school, my son and eventually work

Would it be worth it or would I still be unhappy?

I mean, it's just getting to the point where I don't enjoy anything about my husband. He makes everything a struggle, a conflict. He's impatient, unkind to our son, doesn't know what the hell I'm up to day to day, follows me around like a lost puppy when I want space and doesn't even seem to notice me when I need him.

Literally went to the bathroom tonight and he acted like I left him by the side of the road. Then I got up for a snack and he was sad that I didn't ask him to follow me. Then he wanted to watch Alien, one of his favorite movies, with me and my son and was a total ass during it, telling my son to shush but then he was talking through it.

He just can't love me the way I need it. And he thinks loving him the way he needs it means having sex/physical contact whenever he wants or he claims the marriage is failing (nevermind why I don't want to have sex).

Crossposts: https://becomingkate.livejournal.com/269403.html

Last night, not so good. I always have a hard time falling asleep. I finally did, and I awoke to the bed shaking. I tend to snore, so I figured it was my husband trying to get me to roll over. So I rolled over, and he continued to roll around and nudge me. There was no way I'd fall asleep getting poked every couple minutes so I got up and slept in the guest room. It's not bad in there, but I've determined that our son has the most comfortable bed in the house.
What annoys me is the way he tries to wake me up. I'd rather he nudge me and gently say "Kitty, you're snoring again" than wake up to the bed shaking. Although, when he used to snore (not sure why he doesn't anymore), I did have to rather violently shake him as well (and it still rarely worked). This is payback, I guess.
Then when he woke up this morning he was stumbling around looking for me and I called out to him and told him what happened. He apologized, but then he just went downstairs. Our son is a real pain to wake up and I just wish that when my husband wakes up he'd think to start waking up our son so it's not all on me.
I dunno, I just always manage to be in a bad mood these days, don't I? I think I need some schoolwork to obsess about again. I go back in a week from today. I have to head out later and get some notebooks and folders.

Crossposts: https://becomingkate.livejournal.com/267582.html

I really almost walked out this morning. After sleeping with no covers last night, because my husband likes to cocoon, and being kept up by his coughing, because he refuses to take medicine, I woke up my son at 6:30. He's supposed to be setting his alarm and getting ready for school himself. He was all excited about taking responsibility at the beginning of the year. It lasted for about 2 weeks.
So I woke him up at 6:30, and went downstairs. At 7, he was still upstairs, so I went up and woke him up again. "Why didn't you wake me up earlier?" he asked.
He was irate because I wouldn't help him get ready. He was fine. He has 30 minutes of extra time because he can get to school any time between 7:30 and 8. He just prefers to get there closer to 7:30 to socialize.
So I am the worst mom ever because I don't save my child from himself, I was cold all night because my husband has no concept of how a blanket works (he literally whined in his sleep when I pulled the blanket edge over myself, so I adjusted the blanket for him and covered him up like a child), and I'm realizing, I live with two people who make me feel like shit most of the time. And I just pictured myself saying you know what? I'm out. And just driving away and renting out a hotel room or something.

Here I am going to copy and paste the story of the DIY fidget spinner just to present an idea of what it's like around here every day:

My son wanted to make his own fidget spinner today, and he was so excited, but I already saw disaster coming. First he had 4 bottle caps that were slightly different, so it wasn't balancing out right. Then we couldn't find a glue that dried quickly and he asked me to hold it while it dried. We were using super glue that kept getting on his fingers, and he would go over and scrub his hands in the sink every time he got some on his skin. When I said it was fine if he puts it down on some paper he had a fit because it would stick to the paper. Then he was furious with me because I wasn't doing it right. I asked him to pull up a picture of a fidget spinner so I would know exactly how to put it together and he screamed at me that I should know what they look like because he has some and I have bought them for him. I said I'm sorry, but I just don't keep what a fidget spinner looks like in my memory bank because it's not crucial for me to know and I never use them. So at this point, he gave up because I wasn't understanding him and I pulled up a picture of a fidget spinner and put it together. Then he painted it and I went over later and there was paint on the wall. I asked him to clean it up and he screamed at me that I should do it because I'm the one who saw it. He did a half hearted job and was appalled when I asked him to scrub the rest off, please. So you see why we never do arts and crafts around here.

Crossposts: https://becomingkate.livejournal.com/262771.html

I wish I were with someone who really truly knows me. This may seem petty, but I was out with him and my son and they were stopping by a small retail store. I was thirsty so I asked specifically for a Coke. He said "I can get you a Pepsi", and I said sure, being one of those weird people who prefers Pepsi. I stayed in the car. My husband came out with a Diet Coke.

We've known each other for 20 years. During that entire time, the only time I drink diet soda is if there is Jack or Captain Morgan in it. I drink regular soda during the day. I order it in restaurants all the time. I never ever order a Diet Coke.

I said "Thanks, but I don't drink diet Coke during the day. I'll save it for tonight." He looked at me like I was crazy and said "Ok..." like he actually didn't believe me that I know what I like to drink.

It's just stuff like that...like gaslighting but with things I would obviously know about myself. It happens a lot around here and I don't get it.

20 years, folks.

Crossposts: https://becomingkate.livejournal.com/262425.html

Just more proof that my husband is dense.

I ended up on teefury.com yesterday and I found a bunch of t shirts I just love. So I sent my husband a quick facebook message just as a heads up,

"I would like about 10 different shirts on this website...so have fun with that and ask me if you need help figuring out which ones (hints: Brave, Alice, Doctor Who cards, Amy Pond, Slender Jack) www.teefury.com"

I went out later and forgot about it. Later on I thought to ask him if he got my message. "Oh yeah," he said, "I did, and none of those things you mentioned were there."

Uh, okay. I thought maybe the link didn't work, or the main page changes every day or something, so I pulled it up.

ALMOST EVERY SINGLE ONE OF THOSE T SHIRTS IS NEAR THE VERY TOP.

Well, maybe I forgot to say "click on Gallery", oops. But also, Duh! If there's nothing on the front page, you look for archives, or a gallery, or a store link, right? It's not like this guy is internet illiterate. Quite the opposite.
I showed him the Brave one, and he said "Oh, I didn't know that was from Brave." Like there are so many chicks with unruly red hair, a blue dress and an archer's bow. He's seen the movie twice. I know, not that many times...but so have I!

I'm sorry, do I expect too much or did he just forget how to use his brain? I swear he's getting more dense every day, and I don't know how to confront him and make him understand that this is a serious communication issue that he needs to work on, without him getting all hurt and attacked-feeling. Every time I try to amicably do something for him or with him or tell him something funny or interesting, he's nonplussed or he doesn't get it and I feel like no connection has been made. It's so bad, that I feel this yearning, all the time, to just connect with someone. I get jealous of scenes in tv or movies where people are laughing together or when there is a sense of cameraderie or bonding or just...something. You know, human interaction. It's partially my fault, because I could go out and make friends, if I knew how. But I feel like I should have that sense of friendship with my husband, too.

I could just direct link him to everything I want, but I have this thing where I don't want to know exactly which presents I'm getting.

Seriously though, check out those shirts.

Crossposts: http://becomingkate.livejournal.com/96652.html

Because I know you all love hearing about our arguments!

On Tuesdays I have to pick up my son from school so he'll be on time for karate. We come home and he has a snack and changes into his uniform and we go. We get home around 5:30.

Last week it was nice. When I came home my husband was already preparing dinner, so I thought cool, he'll think to do it again. I was starving and my husband had said he wanted fish sticks (yes, he eats like a child sometimes) so I figured he would start them before we got home. I got home...nothing. I asked him when he got home, because I thought maybe he had just walked in the house. 4:15, he said.

I was pissed! He came home and bummed around for an hour and a half and didn't think to start dinner? "I thought we were having meatballs," he said. Ok, we had discussed having meatballs, but I thought we decided on fish sticks. Did you check in the fridge for meatballs? "No."

He said, he just wanted all of us to eat together and since he thought we were having meatballs that would just take a couple minutes to warm up, he didn't get anything started. But he didn't even look to see if I had made meatballs. And of course it was my fault because I didn't call him to tell him I didn't make meatballs.

Oh, my bad. I texted him instead. But he gets so many useless texts from his coworkers (they all come in to his phone even if they aren't talking to him) that he missed mine.

I told him that he was acting like a child who needs step by step instructions on how to look for food and prepare something. The one day I can't be home to make dinner, he can't cover for me unless I practically do it for him. This is why I'm teaching my son about food and cooking. So he'll actually think of it when there's not somebody there to hold his hand.

So I made miso soup for my son and me that took five minutes and left him to wait for his fish sticks for 20 minutes. :P
He's so bent on "doing things together" that he sits around, hungry, waiting for us to all eat together, and doesn't even bother to make sure there's something ready for all of us to have. And yet when we want to go out and do fun stuff like Halloween events or projects at the craft store we have to drag him out the door because there are "better things to do".

Side note: a friend commented that I sound frustrated whenever I post here. It is true that I'm frustrated a lot, but not all the time. I mean yes, I am perpetually frustrated, LOL. But most of the time it's just humming in the background. When I'm really pissed, I vent here.

On a bright note, I have a crush on my son's karate teacher. He said hi to me yesterday and it caught me off guard and I'm pretty sure I blushed. Hahaha. I'm such a dork.

Crossposts: http://becomingkate.livejournal.com/93620.html

My candle stuff came in! I'll probably work on it this week. My husband thinks I should do little bits at a time, but I'm not sure I can melt just a tiny bit of wax since I only have this giant melting pot thing. But I guess it can't hurt to try.

So my MIL called at 9 this morning before I got a chance to discuss the plans of the day with my husband, and they made plans for dinner. I had wanted to take our son to Boo at the Zoo tonight because we went to a thing at the Y last night but we couldn't find the trick or treating, and my son was bummed out about that.

But my husband made plans for us to eat at the in laws and then we'll have to come home and rush out to the zoo, which annoys me because I like to lie low for a while after dinner instead of rushing out to be somewhere. It helps my food settle better and I'm less likely to feel sick. Plus she is making chicken pot pie which I love but it may upset my stomach. I guess we'll have to see how it goes.

Oh yeah, so my husband got mad at ME because I didn't check his pockets for his fit bit which he loses every chance he gets because he doesn't want to put it in the little clip that comes with it and put it on the waistband of his jeans so it won't fall out every time he sits down.. He says it has to go in the pocket. I don't think so, bud. And don't get mad at me because I didn't check your pockets after you already chucked your jeans in the hamper. You're not a child.

Crossposts: http://becomingkate.livejournal.com/93083.html

I think the people at Target kept more things than I realized. All they gave me back were the clothes. I bought cereal and adhesive dots (to stick the wicks to the bottoms of my candles). I'm still pissed about the tomatoes. I don't understand why they only gave back half my things.

I didn't even bother going back today. I dropped off my son's homework that he left at home, and went to the bank to deposit the check my mom gave me a month ago for our anniversary. I'm really lazy about doing errands. I still have cans in my trunk that I need to return.

My son has early release today so I've got to be ready for that in a few minutes. We have things to do though--I was thinking of asking if he wants to take a walk with the dog--we haven't done that in forever. I have a couple things I recorded off the tv for him, and he might have homework or a project he wants to do.

Tomorrow my husband is getting Lasik surgery, so send out good thoughts for that, if you could. I hope it works and that he doesn't go blind. I haven't told my parents yet because I don't want to jinx it.

I heard a song the other day that is one of my favorite songs but kind of reminds me of an era that has passed. It makes me think about all the time I spend thinking about the past, thinking about people I've lost touch with. At least a couple times a week I think of the same 2 or 3 people and wonder if I should try to track them down, and then I wonder what good it would do to tell someone after years of not speaking, that you miss them, or think about them often. If we really cared for each other that much we wouldn't have lost touch in the first place. Right?

Crossposts: http://becomingkate.livejournal.com/92822.html

Just realized that my vegetarian/vegan friends/friends who hate fast food were probably throwing up after the food descriptions in my previous post. Sorry about that!

I was happy to see the e mails coming in that some of my candle supplies have already been shipped. Ordered a couple things from Lush, too, but haven't heard anything about that yet. I wanted to get more than I did, but I felt bad because 1) we're low on money already and 2) there is a Lush store a half hour from me. I just hate driving to and from there because it's in a giant mall with the parking garage from Hell.

So, one irritating thing my husband does is this: after we've said goodnight and rolled over or assumed whatever positions we do, my husband falls asleep. (wait, that's not the irritating thing) He falls asleep pretty fast. It takes me a long time to fall asleep (at least 20 minutes, usually longer). It never fails that if I move or roll over after he has fallen asleep, even though I myself may be half asleep or all the way asleep, he wakes up and TRIES TO HUG AND KISS ME AND SAY GOODNIGHT AGAIN.

This would be fine if he wouldn't wake me up all the way. Just a quick kiss and roll over, I can deal with that. But he's like "Goodnight Kit" or whatever he says and if I don't respond he gets all butthurt. I am tired of being woken up every night. If I could fall back asleep quickly I wouldn't mind either, but it takes me another 20 minutes or more to fall back asleep!

Last night I just knew it was going to happen. I was half asleep. He was asleep, holding me and I can't sleep like that for very long, so I moved to roll over and I felt him wake up and move. I mumbled "I'm asleep" because I was close enough that I knew if he woke me up all the way I'd have a hell of a time getting back to sleep. He was like, "I can't even get a kiss goodnight?" and by then I was all the way awake and I reminded him that we already said goodnight and that he had already fallen asleep. He was all mad that I didn't want to wake up and say goodnight again. And then it took me half an hour to fall asleep again.

I am so tired of this happening!

Crossposts: http://becomingkate.livejournal.com/92504.html

So, I'm actually surprised it took this long to happen, but my husband got a date wrong! An important date. LOL

Yesterday was our anniversary, Yes, he remembered, presents and all that and even flowers the week before. IDK, he said he wanted to get me flowers. Red roses are my favorite because of the scent but unfortunately I got a cold the day after he got them, so I didn't get to enjoy them as much! But I digress.

I mentioned that I sort of snooped into his present. I accidentally saw that he got something from Etsy when I was looking at the bank account. Then the package came and it said FRAGILE CERAMIC right on the front and the name of the company so I looked it up and, yes, she does custom made ceramic things. Could be anything, right? A bowl, mug, plate, decorative thing, anything.

So yesterday I opened it up and it's a plate with a turtle and a kitten painted on it (they are our favorite animals, one would even say spirit animals). It's very cute. Around the rim of the plate is Happy 9th Anniversary and the dates and a quote from one of "our songs" from way back in the day.

So I like it, it's not amazing, for instance the cat and the turtle are done in two completely different styles. The cat is drawn realistically and the turtle is cartoony. Still, cute.

So I was looking at it throughout the day and I do this weird thing in my head a lot where when I see two numbers I do the math to see what they equal when you subtract them. I don't know what that's about. OCD something, maybe? Anyway...the numbers don't match up. It's only 7....it's our 9th anniversary. I look and our wedding date has the wrong year. Shit.

I point it out to my husband and for some reason I knew right away that he had told her wrong, that it wasn't the artist's mistake. He confirmed it because he'd kept the e mail he sent her. I didn't even give him a hard time about it because I knew he felt bad.

It was an easy mistake. Our son was born in the year he told her so that is also a big date in our heads. I sometimes have to think about it myself. But I do kind of fault the artist too, I mean she wrote Happy 9th anniversary and didn't notice that the years didn't add up to 9. But still, that's not her job.

So I guess he's going to e mail her and see if she can redo it.

He also gave me a Torchwood Institute decal for my car which is awesome :)

My gift was sort of lame. I couldn't come up with anything romantic so I got him an ipad holder for him to attach to the treadmill. Boring, right? But useful. He's all about practical. But then he made a big deal about how hard it was to put together and he finally did it, but I just felt like he kind of stomped all over it. Like, you don't complain about the quality of a product someone got for you. It's not like I went out and tried all kinds of models, I just went to amazon and went with the one with the best reviews. And it works fine, he's just really bad at putting things together.

Then we went out and had a nice dinner. So it was a decent day. I don't even mind so much about the plate. (although I do think it's funny because we have at least 2 other things on display with our wedding date on them...but anyway.)

Crossposts: http://becomingkate.livejournal.com/87388.html

So last night Steve (husband) was playing on World of Warcraft and I was trying to find something to do but I was bored out of my mind, yawning and watching him play (which I never do unless I'm bored). He goes, "Are you having fun?" and I know he's noticed me yawning and looking bored, and I'm thinking gee how clueless, do I look like I'm having fun? But I know he enjoys playing WoW so I'm like yeah I'm fine (figuring I can keep browsing the internets or go watch tv or whatever.

So he kept playing and I left the room and played on my phone on the couch. He came in and he was like What are you doing? So I told him I was bored and just came in here to play on my phone and he went off on me and said I should have told him, and I was like no, I know you'll throw it back at me if you have to stop playing WoW early because you'll get behind on the stuff you have to do and you'll have to log on earlier the next time to get it all done. So no, I'm not going to be the one to tell you to log off WoW so we can actually do something together. I'm just playing on my phone.

So he proceeded to slam my habit of browsing the internet and doing whatever I do on there and I'm like woah, don't you start talking to me about hobbies that are a waste of time. LOL. Sorry, I have hated WoW for years, it's a time sink and it has no heart and soul and it's no fun. You go waste your time how you please and I'll do the same.

So it boiled down to, how come I can tell with just a look or a certain tone of voice when HE is unhappy, but I have to spell it out on paper for him? I'm yawning and I don't even have the heart to get some good music playing and I've stopped drinking two drinks before he did and he's still halfway through a drink and talking about going to bed, and I'm like, how about you stop drinking and we watch something before we go to bed so you don''t feel like shit in the morning.

But why is that...I mean, we've been together 15 years and I can basically tell what he's going to say before he does, or how he REALLY feels about what I'm making for dinner, but he cannot tell when I'm yawning and getting that glazed look, that maybe I'm bored? He said he just took what I said at face value, that I wasn't bored. He wouldn't even admit it that yes he would resent it if I asked him to log off WoW. AND I KNOW HE WOULD because I've had stuff like that thrown back at me. Whatever.

Crossposts: http://becomingkate.livejournal.com/85246.html

So I'm curious, for all of you who are married or in long term relationships. How do you deal if your SO doesn't listen to you or remember things you say?

My husband's pretty great when you think about it. He supports my nkotb ~~obsession~~ ~~habit~~ passion, he is okay with me not working (sure it sucks sometimes when we have just enough or not quite enough money to eke by, but he never tells me to go get a effing job!), he doesn't give me too hard a time when I don't clean to his liking (because he's fairly obsessive about it and I can't live up to that).

But...he can't listen to save his life. I'm quite sure if I tried to tell him how to save his own life he'd completely block it out or fuck it up somehow. He's not great with our son either. He has quite the temper (both my son and my husband do actually) and they just end up arguing endlessly most of the time. But he does try and there are certain things they are good at doing together and certain moments that are great. I shouldn't throw stones-I'm not exactly the model parent either! But we both try and I guess that's what counts.

But it could be worse. And yet, I'm having a hard time coping with the fact that I'm living with two people who generally don't listen to me. I supposed that's why I seek out positions of authority. Why I'm on the religious education committee and why I love being a mod at ontdcreepy and I volunteer to cover church child care and teach church school classes and why I like to post long rants on websites. I feel like someone is listening to me. That I matter.

I'm trying to figure out how I'm supposed to keep up my feelings of self worth in this home situation. I hardly ever offer up my opinion to anyone in real life and even until recently I didn't voice strong opinions online, either. I've become even more withdrawn than I ever used to be, which believe me didn't seem possible. I have trouble talking to people face to face. I'm sure this is a product of my mainly online friendships. When you have time to think before you type out a response it seems obvious that thinking and speaking on your feet would become more difficult.

I've been doing more things for myself, to try to keep up my sense of self. I wear makeup again (I go through phases) and I light candles and use body lotion every day and turn on my salt lamp when I remember to. Just trying to pamper myself. I tend to live through my son. Not in that creepy dance mom, pageant mom, etc. that you see who is trying to live out her own dreams through her kids, but just trying to make sure my son develops his own dreams and lives them out. That he finds out who he is and what he wants out of life earlier than I did. But I have to remember to take care of myself too.

Speaking of taking care of myself, I should probably get dressed. ;)