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Oct. 8th, 2013 10:01 am It may have been the longest, hardest 4 years of my life (and he's not even a teenager yet!) but I think I may see the light at the end of it.
It started the day my son turned 3. We had a surprise party for him and he was so unhappy with that, that he refused to come inside where the guests were waiting for him. My sister in law went outside to talk to him and he eventually came in. It's not like he's shy. He doesn't like to be surprised because he has to approve of everything before he does it. I suggested a ham and cheese sandwich for dinner about 5 times last night, but he didn't actually want it until 10 minutes later when he came in and said "I'd like a ham and cheese sandwich." But I digress. That was the day when everything had to be His Way. And I have a couple people on my FL who capitalize things like that, and I'd like to thank you for that style because it signifies that something is Very Important without having to use ALL CAPS.
So anyway, that day was the beginning of His Way or no way. And it never stopped. I felt powerless, I felt like, how can I be a parent and teach this child morals and good behavior, if he won't even listen to me when I tell him it's time to brush his teeth? What am I going to do when he's spending nights at someone else's house, going to parties, driving without me, if he won't listen to me when he's standing right in front of me? I felt like a dream died, because I always envisioned having a nice relationship with my son, and him growing up to be loving and thoughtful and all I saw was this child who bosses around his elders and throws a fit when he doesn't get his way. The worst part was the people who told me it was normal. Worst of all my husband. I felt like I was in it alone. My husband would say to me in front of my son, "Some kids are like that", which gave my son a catch phrase and an excuse to keep misbehaving.
I took him to therapy. I let him go in there with her alone, because I wanted him to be able to talk about how mean I was, or That Unfair Thing I Did That Day, without me there. When I found out he was telling her he couldn't remember anything bad that had happened, I started going in there with him and I witnessed him go from barely talking to her, to drawing pictures with her and even coming up with the idea of drawing in a notebook at home to show her. I asked friends who specialize in child development what they thought of his behavior and they did think a lot of it was normal, but think things like having such a temper as he does wasn't quite acceptable for his age anymore. And his therapist is working through his temper and anger issues with him.
I was afraid he had learned it all from me. I'm not proud of the way I screamed back at him sometimes, the things I would say that I hope don't stick with him, the times I didn't know what to do except spank him and that didn't work either. I'm not proud.
Eventually though, I started noticing more thoughtful actions, more things that I'd been asking him to do for years that he was finally doing on his own. Sure, he still gets lost on his way to the bathroom, stops getting dressed in the middle to play with something, comes downstairs to talk to me after bedtime even though I've been telling him not to since he was old enough to understand (or so you'd think). He picks up after himself more, argues a little less. And it's not that I'm trying to get him to fall in any line. He's still my little oddball who likes to take walks in graveyards and talks to himself, makes up his own crazy complicated rules to games and says weird little morbid things. I just want him to know he should listen to his parents. Not about everything, but at least when we tell him to brush his teeth.
I hope he forgives me for the bad times, that he understands (even if it's not until he has his own kids) how much I was at a loss at times.
And my friends out there who have pre-teens, or teenagers, might laugh and say "Just you wait", but if there's a breather in between, even just a year or two, I'll take it.
It started the day my son turned 3. We had a surprise party for him and he was so unhappy with that, that he refused to come inside where the guests were waiting for him. My sister in law went outside to talk to him and he eventually came in. It's not like he's shy. He doesn't like to be surprised because he has to approve of everything before he does it. I suggested a ham and cheese sandwich for dinner about 5 times last night, but he didn't actually want it until 10 minutes later when he came in and said "I'd like a ham and cheese sandwich." But I digress. That was the day when everything had to be His Way. And I have a couple people on my FL who capitalize things like that, and I'd like to thank you for that style because it signifies that something is Very Important without having to use ALL CAPS.
So anyway, that day was the beginning of His Way or no way. And it never stopped. I felt powerless, I felt like, how can I be a parent and teach this child morals and good behavior, if he won't even listen to me when I tell him it's time to brush his teeth? What am I going to do when he's spending nights at someone else's house, going to parties, driving without me, if he won't listen to me when he's standing right in front of me? I felt like a dream died, because I always envisioned having a nice relationship with my son, and him growing up to be loving and thoughtful and all I saw was this child who bosses around his elders and throws a fit when he doesn't get his way. The worst part was the people who told me it was normal. Worst of all my husband. I felt like I was in it alone. My husband would say to me in front of my son, "Some kids are like that", which gave my son a catch phrase and an excuse to keep misbehaving.
I took him to therapy. I let him go in there with her alone, because I wanted him to be able to talk about how mean I was, or That Unfair Thing I Did That Day, without me there. When I found out he was telling her he couldn't remember anything bad that had happened, I started going in there with him and I witnessed him go from barely talking to her, to drawing pictures with her and even coming up with the idea of drawing in a notebook at home to show her. I asked friends who specialize in child development what they thought of his behavior and they did think a lot of it was normal, but think things like having such a temper as he does wasn't quite acceptable for his age anymore. And his therapist is working through his temper and anger issues with him.
I was afraid he had learned it all from me. I'm not proud of the way I screamed back at him sometimes, the things I would say that I hope don't stick with him, the times I didn't know what to do except spank him and that didn't work either. I'm not proud.
Eventually though, I started noticing more thoughtful actions, more things that I'd been asking him to do for years that he was finally doing on his own. Sure, he still gets lost on his way to the bathroom, stops getting dressed in the middle to play with something, comes downstairs to talk to me after bedtime even though I've been telling him not to since he was old enough to understand (or so you'd think). He picks up after himself more, argues a little less. And it's not that I'm trying to get him to fall in any line. He's still my little oddball who likes to take walks in graveyards and talks to himself, makes up his own crazy complicated rules to games and says weird little morbid things. I just want him to know he should listen to his parents. Not about everything, but at least when we tell him to brush his teeth.
I hope he forgives me for the bad times, that he understands (even if it's not until he has his own kids) how much I was at a loss at times.
And my friends out there who have pre-teens, or teenagers, might laugh and say "Just you wait", but if there's a breather in between, even just a year or two, I'll take it.
