(no subject)

As I thought, Heather's not going on the cruise. My husband suggested I message Jackie, who I have met up with along with Heather a few times for NKOTB events. They're both from Philadelphia. I like her alright, but we never really talk. I just felt awkward saying "Hey, I know I haven't asked you the time of day since I saw you last, but you wanna room together on the cruise?" There are other women from Philly who are all friends that Heather used to feel like she was a part of but now feels out of the loop because nobody told her that one of them left her husband (and I don't think they talk to her at all, really). I didn't know either, but I don't talk to any of them. I think I mentioned it before, Heather seemed to think they were all good friends, but I never really felt that way about them, so I didn't really feel bad when none of them talked to me aside from when we'd get together for a concert or whatever. I feel like at this point everyone has their NKOTB buddies and for me to try to tag along (again) with a group would just feel sad for me.

So I guess I'm not going on the 10th cruise. My husband said he would go, but we'd have to find someone to watch our son for 4 days. I don't really feel like putting that obligation on anyone. If my in-laws were in a better situation I would be okay with that, but my MIL is in and out of the hospital because she won't get help or proper meds.

I could go by myself but then the other ladies would catch wind of it and probably feel bad and then I'd feel bad and everyone would feel bad. I really need a group to hang with anyway. You can't eat dinner by yourself and you need a group for the photo op and it just wouldn't be fun anyway.

(no subject)

 I don't think I've made a pro/con list in about 20 years. funny enough, it was about my husband (then boyfriend) and the guy I was dating at the time. But I feel like rather than ramble on about what I'm feeling it would be more succinct to make a list.

 

Pros of leaving my husband:

I could own a cat (or two) again!)

Probably better self esteem for both me and my son

Not having to worry about if someone else is happy (besides my son)

More freedom to do things on my own

Not have to feel the stigma of wanting to take meds or exploring getting my son on some ADD meds (my husband is very anti-meds even for physical problems, not just mental)

Can have things my own way at home and not have to remind my husband day in and day out where to put things or where I'm going or what I have going on that day

 

Cons:

I've never lived on my own

I don't know a damn thing about setting up my own bills, computer, phone, etc.

Finances might be an issue if my husband turns bitter and doesn't help out

I'd have to juggle a lot, with school, my son and eventually work

Would it be worth it or would I still be unhappy?

 

I mean, it's just getting to the point where I don't enjoy anything about my husband. He makes everything a struggle, a conflict. He's impatient, unkind to our son, doesn't know what the hell I'm up to day to day, follows me around like a lost puppy when I want space and doesn't even seem to notice me when I need him.

Literally went to the bathroom tonight and he acted like I left him by the side of the road. Then I got up for a snack and he was sad that I didn't ask him to follow me. Then he wanted to watch Alien, one of his favorite movies, with me and my son and was a total ass during it, telling my son to shush but then he was talking through it.

He just can't love me the way I need it. And he thinks loving him the way he needs it means having sex/physical contact whenever he wants or he claims the marriage is failing (nevermind why I don't want to have sex).