(no subject)

[becomingkate]

So I'm curious, for all of you who are married or in long term relationships.  How do you deal if your SO doesn't listen to you or remember things you say?

My husband's pretty great when you think about it.  He supports my nkotb obsession habit  passion, he is okay with me not working (sure it sucks sometimes when we have just enough or not quite enough money to eke by, but he never tells me to go get a effing job!), he doesn't give me too hard a time when I don't clean to his liking (because he's fairly obsessive about it and I can't live up to that).  

But...he can't listen to save his life.  I'm quite sure if I tried to tell him how to save his own life he'd completely block it out or fuck it up somehow.  He's not great with our son either.  He has quite the temper (both my son and my husband do actually) and they just end up arguing endlessly most of the time.  But he does try and there are certain things they are good at doing together and certain moments that are great. I shouldn't throw stones-I'm not exactly the model parent either! But we both try and I guess that's what counts.

But it could be worse.  And yet, I'm having a hard time coping with the fact that I'm living with two people who generally don't listen to me.  I supposed that's why I seek out positions of authority.  Why I'm on the religious education committee and why I love being a mod at ontdcreepy and I volunteer to cover church child care and teach church school classes and why I like to post long rants on websites.  I feel like someone is listening to me.  That I matter.

I'm trying to figure out how I'm supposed to keep up my feelings of self worth in this home situation.  I hardly ever offer up my opinion to anyone in real life and even until recently I didn't voice strong opinions online, either.  I've become even more withdrawn than I ever used to be, which believe me didn't seem possible.  I have trouble talking to people face to face.  I'm sure this is a product of my mainly online friendships.  When you have time to think before you type out a response it seems obvious that thinking and speaking on your feet would become more difficult.


I've been doing more things for myself, to try to keep up my sense of self.  I wear makeup again (I go through phases) and I light candles and use body lotion every day and turn on my salt lamp when I remember to.  Just trying to pamper myself.  I tend to live through my son.  Not in that creepy dance mom, pageant mom, etc. that you see who is trying to live out her own dreams through her kids, but just trying to make sure my son develops his own dreams and lives them out.  That he finds out who he is and what he wants out of life earlier than I did.  But I have to remember to take care of myself too.

Speaking of taking care of myself, I should probably get dressed. ;)

Comments

[seventhbard]

Oh man, that stuff is so rough. I wish I had wisdom to offer but I'm still trying to figure out similar things myself. *hug* I wish you strength and clarity.

just yesterday

[disgruntledgirl]

My husband was spiraling into a depression. He was hearing things I was not saying. At one point, I said "What did I just say? I just said - no wait. YOU tell me what I just said."
He admitted he did not know what I said.
In his head, he kept hearing me screech get away from my computer, don't touch my computer and he was replying to everything as if I had said that.
In reality, I was asking if there was a USB port on the front panel since I'd like to buy him an external drive to back up his database. That I said he could build on either my dev computer or my gaming computer.

So .. that's what I do. Pop Quiz: What did I just say?

(Only not so sarcastic. Boy that sentence sounded soooo sarcastic.)

But I did say to him after "You were putting words in my mouth. You enjoy many liberties as my husband - that's not one of them."

I will totally re-read this when I get home. I suddenly became "Mommy" at work and this reply got interrupted at the 2nd sentence.

Re: just yesterday

[becomingkate]

No, that makes sense. I just really dread having to treat my husband the same way I treat my 6 year old. Making him look me in the eye and repeat what I said. LOL

[becomingkate]

Thanks!

Re: just yesterday

[killiara]

Maybe having to do that will be the slap in the face needed for him to look at his own behavior.
"Why are you treating me like this? I'm not a kid!"
"Well, you're showing the listening skills of one."

killiara's right

[disgruntledgirl]

I do not have to do this very often with my husband. I have done it, yes, but we've been together since 1990 (there was a 2 year period of separation) and we got married in 2005.
I'd say I have to do this possibly twice a year. So it DOES take.

Re: just yesterday

[becomingkate]

Good point.

Re: killiara's right

[becomingkate]

I have to admit I do the same thing. I space him out if I'm trying to read or type while he's talking to me. So he'd probably turn it around on me if I called him out for not listening. But he just doesn't remember day to day things either. Appointments, things I do at the same time every week, things our son is doing, etc. It makes him look like he doesn't care and doesn't want to be involved.