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 I couldn't wait to weigh myself today and at the same time I was anxious about it. What if all the extra walking and the spin classes weren't making a difference? To my relief, I lost 4 lbs. I mentioned I had my period when i weighed myself last, so I think a couple of those lbs. were water weight and normal fluctuation, but I do think I must have lost at least a lb. for real. I had a feeling it would make some kind of difference, because the way I was eating and having a nearly sendentary lifestyle, I was maintaining my weight. So I figured if I upped the exercise it would have to help.

I have another spin class tomorrow. It's been hard with my school schedule and my son's schedule to work them in because they are either very early morning or late afternoon. But when my son is done with school it will be easier. 

Today I have the meeting about the internship to see where I can get matched to. I'm a little nervous because I don't know exactly what I want to do yet. But this will hopefully help me find out.

My son learned how to rollerblade over the last couple days. He was invited to a party at a skate place and I asked the mom if there were other things to do because my son doesn't know how to skate. She said there was other stuff like laser tag and arcade games. So he decided to go. Turned out everyone else wanted to skate so he strapped on some roller skates and tried them out. Then someone told him rollerblades were easier so he tried those, and picked it up pretty easily. He even wanted to go back the next day! So he tried to get a couple friends to go with him, and they were busy, so we went alone. He loves it!

I was afraid he wouldn't even want to try, but that was my fear coming through. I never learned to skate because I'm terrified of falling. My mother tried to teach me to ice skate and I hated it. I'm so proud of him for trying it and sticking with it. He wants his own roller blades already, but we live on a hill so I said once he gets really good at it maybe we'll think about it.
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 So, season 2 of 13 Reasons Why is out today, and I know of many people who are refusing to watch it. Recently I had an interaction with someone on twitter who I'd never talked to before because she saw a comment I made on how I don't think 13RW romanticized suicide. She explained to me that the way it was portrayed, it looks like the main character, Hannah, who killed herself, wasn't heard until she died. And I see her point. None of the things that happened to Hannah were brought to light until after she made the tapes, and released them prior to her suicide.

However, I do not think this is a prime or even a good example of what happens. This is entertainment. And I understand middle schoolers and high schoolers are reading and watching this and might think that it is an accurate representation of what would happen to someone who was bullied and abused like Hannah was. This is where adult involvement in what our kids are watching and reading is so important.

If I knew of a child or teen who watched/read this, I would tell them: the adults in her life were negligent. Even her parents were too busy for her. Her school counselor was painfully unaware of what to do in the situation. But: There are people who care. Here is a list of websites, phone numbers, facilities, where you can go and talk to any number of people who are there to listen and help you.

There is no part of the show where she goes to someone who helps her. Everyone turns their back, is unaware of the issues, or betrays Hannah's trust. It's an awful story. BUT IT IS NOT A TYPICAL STORY OF HOW THINGS WOULD GO. It's sensationalized entertainment. It's a soap opera. If you're looking for an after school special where she goes and gets help and lives a happy, successful life, 13RW is not it.

You can't take one example of a situation and boycott it because it's inaccurate. It's one story. One representation. And I think that the backlash against it has helped open the communication so that people like me who didn't understand the problem with it can talk to people and get a new perspective. I encouraged that person who talked to me on twitter to keep speaking out against it so people can understand why it's problematic.

 

I know that kids and teens and even adults don't all critically think about things and they accept fiction as truth, but I don't think that's the storyteller's problem. That would be like if horror movies were banned because they make people not want to go to summer camp, sleep, or buy a doll.

So, I understand why you wouldn't want to watch 13RW because it's triggery or you feel it's badly portrayed. That's okay! And I'm glad I have a better understanding of its problems. But I'll still be watching it because I think in order to understand a problem you have to look at all sides of it, good and bad.

I just went to see what tag I put on my entries last year about the first season, and found a bunch under the television tag. You can go read those, if you want. 



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 Grades are in! I got an A in History, a B in Math and a B+ in Computers. I couldn't resist and I e mailed my math professor last night because I was dying to know how I did on my final. I got a 90. Woo! I guess I really didn't need that tutoring I canceled. (thank you spikesgirl58 for making me feel like it was okay to cancel it ;))

I went to Spin again today and enjoyed it, however my seat came loose partway through the class and I didn't want to get up to fiddle with it so I just kind of had to hang on extra tight. I'm sure it would be okay to get off and tighten it but I felt insecure like I'd be a distraction. I'm going again tomorrow night. I actually felt like I've already improved--I can pedal standing up in spurts already, and I couldn't at all in my first class.

I've also worked on upping my steps and I've gotten 10,000 steps both yesterday and today. I found that because my stride is so short, it actually only takes 4 miles for me to get 10,000 steps (I think the average person takes 5 miles).

I'm not supposed to weigh myself for a couple more days (I do it once a week) but I sneaked a peek today and I've already lost a couple pounds. My period came and went, so I probably lost a couple pounds of water weight.
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 Finals are officially done! And now, we wait. 

I went to see my son get his Math Olympiads certificate this morning and then I went to his classroom because the kids were showcasing projects they had been working on. My son and a classmate demonstrated lattice math, not sure if this is a common thing in schools these days or just a special thing my son wanted to do, as he is obviously into math. I think it was pretty interesting, it involves putting the steps of multiplying big numbers into a grid and coming up with the answer more simply than doing long multiplication. It was pretty cool! Although I'm all mathed out, lol.

After that I came back and went on the treadmill. I am addicted to this Fitbit. I really enjoy working towards my steps goal and also seeing how I slept. I'm a little dubious about the heart rate tracker, it seems inaccurate sometimes. But I'm really most concerned about doing more steps overall and that seems to work. I signed up for another spin class tomorrow so it will be interesting to see how the Fitbit tracks that.
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 On today's episode of "Will He Ever Get It Right?" we discuss my birthday. And mother's day. Well, mother's day went okay. My husband worked, so I hung out with my son. We went to a daffodil field (past its prime, but it is about 2 acres of daffodils and I've never been in all the time we've lived here so I wanted to check it out). Then we went to a farm we used to go to more often when my son was little, and then we had sushi for dinner. It was a good day. Then my husband came home and he had gotten me some Lush products (Mother's Day specials) and a giant canvas print of a photo of a scene from The Wizard of Oz. I'm not sure of its back story because it doesn't appear to be the movie cast. It came from Bulgaria, so I'm thinking it's probably a local production that someone just took a photo of and made a canvas print from. It's neat. But now I have to figure out where to put it. 

Yesterday was my birthday, and I spent the day alone. I canceled my tutoring because I really didn't think it was helping. I wanted to treat myself to a facial but couldn't find any place that was taking walk ins. So I was bummed and demotivated for the rest of the day. I studied math, finished my history final and watched some tv. Dinner turned out good, even without the lemon. I marinated the swordfish in olive oil, salt and pepper and some Italian seasoning, then I tossed it in flour. I tossed the olives and capers in some flour and pan fried them which I'd never done before. It turned out great. I was kind of proud of myself of altering a dish I've done the same way for so many years. I just wish I hadn't gotten rid of the olive and caper juices because I didn't have much of a sauce going on. I just put in some pasta water and added some butter and more herbs.

Anyway, my husband didn't get home until 9-he normally gets out at 7. He was completely drained and didn't put a lot of effort into presents or even just conversation with me and my son. I got a Fitbit, which I'm excited about-it has lots of cool features and I hope it will help me track things better. 

My other present was socks and underwear. Now, I don't mind weird presents that other people might be offended by. I was thrilled when he got a treadmill because I didn't have to go to the gym anymore (I used to get anxiety going to the gym). But underwear...okay? And it's not sexy underwear like you might be thinking. It's from a place called Me Undies, where he gets his boxers and loves them. So he got me a pair, and I haven't tried them on yet, but they look huge! 
The presents weren't wrapped, and he said he didn't have time. I understand I'm home all the time, but he could have gone upstairs and at least thrown them in a gift bag.

My husband yacked my ear off about his day, how long it was, bad jobs, annoying customers. 

So, by this point he hasn't even asked me how my day was yet. After the presents, he hustled our son off to bed and I could tell my son was unhappy by the lack of attention. Now that we are alone I expect that we will talk about my day. He claps his headphones on his ears and says "I'm gonna play for a bit." Talks to his friends online and plays. An hour later, he's done, I'm tired and he says "So, want to tell me about your day?" Doesn't understand how it's not cool for him to spend his energy at work that doesn't give a shit, come home and have nothing left for his family, but still manage to log on and shoot the shit with his friends. Says "Maybe you shouldn't talk because you've never had to work and come home to the family." Um. I spent 10 years in cooking jobs, and almost that whole time, our son existed (or I was pregnant and working). WTF? He honestly couldn't remember that I had worked and had a child to take care of at the same time.

He's burning himself out, he's incoherent when he gets home, can't remember our basic past, and he turns around and says I don't know what I'm talking about?

I don't think he understands that gifts and words mean nothing if his actions don't back them up and then he just makes me look oversensitive and unappreciative when I bring it up. He also doesn't understand the big deal about him not remembering anything I tell him, and acts like a hero because we finally got an app to keep track of everyone's appointments and now he doesn't forget stuff like that. 


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To be honest with you, I was bored out of my mind today. It's my birthday, and I did nothing special.

I started the day with plans to go to a new spa and get a facial with some money my dad gave me for my birthday. The one I used to go to (however infrequently) closed recently. So I asked around for some recs and found a place nearby. The website put me off right away, because their "book online" button is a dead link. So that's annoying. I saw that they take walk ins, so this morning I just stopped by. The door was locked. So I stopped by the real estate place next door and asked if there was a back entrance or something, and they said they didn't think so--suggested that I call. In the message it says we are open on Mondays for appointment only. :(

So I browsed online looking for more spas and couldn't find anything that had openings or took walk ins today. I was bummed. I went home and finished my history final, and studied for my math final. I really didn't get anywhere with studying. I think I'm at my limit for what I'll understand.

Later on I decided to make one of my favorite dishes, Mediterranean swordfish and pasta, for dinner tonight. So I went out to get everything, and the seafood market had most of it. I noticed they had lemons behind the counter and I asked for one. I paid and left, got home, no lemon. I really don't want to go somewhere else for a lemon, lol. It'll have to do without. If I had some lemon pepper that would be nice, but I don't think I do.

Now I need to pick up my son from track practice and I hope he's in a good mood because I don't feel like dealing with any more crap :P

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 I had a very weird dream last night-I dreamed I was in a class and all of a sudden I was sitting next to a woman who I just knew was my childhood best friend-I asked whatever happened to her in school, because I remembered one year she was there and the next she wasn't. She said "I moved to California." It was so real I woke up and looked her up on Facebook. She still lives around here. Yes, I still recognized her after 30 years--people's eyes don't change much so that's how I always recognize people I haven't seen in forever. Try it with celebrity pics-it really works.

So, I can't remember if I posted about the last Math quiz I took--I failed it with a 65...I was so sure I did well. (one question was 30 points) So today (a week later) I went back and retook it--got 100. Tell me how that makes sense. I really think my phone calculator is wonky...So he averaged the failed quiz and the 100 and got an 82.5.

Next week is finals--I have a take home History final due Tuesday, Math final on Tuesday and Computers final due Wednesday, but I'm turning it in early so I can go to a couple of my son's events that day. His class portfolio will be on display in the classroom and the awards ceremony for Math Olympiads will happen at assembly that morning.

The Math professor was very impressed with my perseverance-especially with surgery in March, he said "a lot of people get surgery and drop out of school"--well, I guess having a lot of surgery as a kid, I'm more used to it. It took me a month to really get over it but fortunately it happened around spring break so I only missed a week of school. I just feel like...I'm just average, it's nothing special that I came back to school after surgery. Why wouldn't I? So If I'm that great, why do I have such shitty self esteem and confidence?
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 So, I joined a spin class place.

I'd taken spin once before, but it was through a gym membership and all I remember about it was that I tried to push myself too hard, couldn't move the next day, and never went back. There are two LA Cycle places in my town with plans for a third...I don't really understand that, because the two classes I've been to weren't full, but maybe they are going to have more class slots. I noticed that they are mainly very early morning and late afternoon-when late morning or early afternoon are better for me. Still, I can sometimes make it to a weekend one or 8:30 before my 11:00 class.

Anyway, I am very unathletic. I can't stick to anything fitness related to save my life (literally), as you might have read from past posts about treadmill attempts. I have a treadmill. But it's so boring. I've tried music, watching tv, and audiobooks. Nothing holds my interest. So after driving by these spin places for goodness knows how long, I decided to try one out.

I liked it. I signed up for another class for the next day. I signed up for more. I look forward to it. Who even am I???

The cool thing is, although you're in a class, it feels very personal. They turn the lights out and it's blacklit. The music is loud and generic enough--at my first class I didn't recognize any of the songs but at the second one they played more familiar Top 40, but they are remixed so the beat is always up. I don't know if LA Cycle creates the remixes or if the instructor makes her own...The instructor is up on a raised platform and she has a mic, she is shouting out instructions like when to go faster, increase resistance, pedal standing up (still working on that one) or use the dumbbells. Once in a while she says things like "You got this!" And you can go at your own pace without feeling like you look stupid.

There are three types of classes, 30 minutes, 45 minutes and 25/25 which is 25 minutes cycling and 25 minutes of mat exercises. I have the 45 minute one tomorrow-I tried the other two also just to figure out which one I like. The 25/25 one feels a bit long, and I can do mat exercises on my own.

I've realized I really let myself go. And I kind of resent those around me for not being concerned about that, other than my father asking me one day "So...how's your health?" I mean, I don't want people to be like "OMG you got fat!" But honestly...I did. And although I've been maintaining for months now, I know I need to lose a lot of it. And I hope spin will help a little. It's certainly better than my current couch potato lifestyle.

PS, I looked into how many steps you should take a day, and the general number people strive for is 10,000. So I go looking at how many miles that is, or how long it takes...and it's 5 miles, or an hour and a half of walking. Um...no. Yeah I know you can break it up, but that's still very ambitious.

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 So I haven't watched Idol in a few seasons, but I heard that last week was Disney week so I had to watch. It seems the judges have gotten much more friendly. There was basically no constructive criticism, just positive notes. Maybe Idina Menzel worked with them more critically? I would have passed out if I'd gotten to meet Idina. (see icon)

I thought everyone was pretty good, there was one non-memorable performance, but I can't remember what it was. LOL. I think it was Beauty and the Beast, but he ended up pulling it off with a strong finish. I was sort of surprised Ada Vox was voted off but I had not seen her other performances so I don't know if it was usually too gimmicky or what.

Okay, so I just found her performance of Defying Gravity...not impressed. Even as a duet it seemed just uninspired and not very strong.

I was pretty impressed with everyone. I mean I think Katy is a little too quirky, plus her "I'm hiding from the microphone" comment doesn't make her good Idol material. But her voice is awesome and she is definitely an old soul, as is the other girl who sang The Bare Necessities. I didn't think that was going to go well because the song itself doesn't really showcase vocal talent but she really pulled it off.

 

I'm using an old tag, "american idol pitchy" that I used when I used to watch Idol more religiously and Randy used to always say stuff like "I dunno dawg, it was a little pitchy." Okay so it turns out I only used that tag once but the entry still made me chuckle.

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 We went to Vermont a few days ago for a couple days-it was fun. We did a lot of touristy stuff and went on a walk at one of the state parks. It went better than previous vacations because our son seemed to have a better time. He was still grumpy a good bit of the time but there were some highlights.

I guess overall things have been better but I have been really down lately. I'm just not as sure of myself as I was just a few months ago. I'm not as motivated at school, I've lost touch with pretty much everyone in my life, I don't feel good about myself intellectually or socially, I just feel like I'm having a big identity crisis.

I feel like I'm just a big downer.

 

I have a cold, it snuck up on me a few days ago. It's weird, I'll be feeling okay and then all of a sudden I can't breathe. Or I was fine all through class and then I went to math tutoring and couldn't stop coughing, probably making my tutor wonder why I bothered coming in. I swear I was functional earlier. By the way, the tutoring didn't help. I had a quiz review I just wanted to go over and she insisted on re-teaching me the whole section in a more confusing way, and making me write down vocabulary words and definitions. I get it she is helping me learn these things long term, but I just want to pass the quiz.

We went to see how our son did on the standardized testing they do every other year at my son's school. We know he does really well academically, it's just interesting to see which areas he doesn't do as exceptionally. This year it was punctuation, lol. I looked at his results from 3rd grade and it was capitalization. I think that is a result of the technology age we are in. Even adults don't use proper grammar or punctuation and yet I think that is more important than say, how well you do math.

I think we are just at a loss as to what to do with him. He is so ahead academically, but still needs so much help with organization, routines, basic skills. I see so much of us in him. It's an interesting combination.

So my husband took an interest in our IQ's after we had a recent re-evaluation of our son. My husband found an IQ test online that may or may not be accurate. I know you should really go to a licensed tester and get the real deal but not everyone has thousands of dollars to spend on that. So we took this online test and found that we both are also above average IQ. I'm of the mind that it doesn't really change anything, at this point. Colleges don't look at IQ. Work doesn't look at IQ. I'm glad we found out early with our son so he can make his schools aware of his potential and they will hopefully challenge him. But what can adults do? My husband is of the mind that he should be using that potential, but I think that for every gifted person who uses that potential for leverage, there are many gifted people who never had any privilege, didn't go to private school or an elite college and still had a happy life. But I also understand wanting the best for our son and wanting him to use that potential to his advantage. And yet do we groom him to get into an elite high school and an elite college? Or follow his lead and let his interests and skills lead the way?

I think he has really grown this year. He used to stay away from sports; this year he did basketball and track and field. He joined Math Olympiads again, and did a couple other elective activities. I'm happy to see him so well rounded. I was concerned with the amount of time he likes to spend on the computer and other screens. I still am concerned at times and I wish he didn't have to use a screen for activities that "when I was a kid" you didn't need a screen for. But I don't want to be one of those parents who's stuck in the past. Technology is our present and future and it's a plus to be proficient in those skills, which he is. Overall I know I bitch about him a lot but I'm very proud and so excited to see what the future holds for him.

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I can't let the day end without acknowledging that today is the 10th anniversary of NKOTB announcing their reunion. If you go back through my tags, you will find many entries under "new kids on the block". When I first heard they were reuniting, I was not really impressed! It was just a part of my life I had compartmentalized and thought I was over. I thought they would come back, do a couple old songs, and be gone again. Well boy, was I wrong!

I had so many amazing experiences. From finally meeting them, to meeting many wonderful women including Heather who, although I feel we've grown apart now, is still the best friend I've had since high school. 

I'm disappointed that the shine has worn off. It's very weird to go from seeing these guys you idolize from afar and want to marry, to carrying conversations with them when you go to meet and greets, and having them follow you on social media. It's a strange world, now. Very small and familiar. Exciting, but weird. I think that it has been both a blessing and a curse that they are so accessible now.

They have meant more to me than I ever could have imagined. They brought back joyful childhood memories and created so many more memories. 

From the first concert to the first meet and greet to the follow from Joey on twitter (and a couple DM's!), to getting a picture with him on my birthday on my first NKOTB cruise, to the time I DM'ed with Danny about creating a cookbook (which still hasn't happened), to the time I dragged my son to Boston when he was about 3 to see Joey sing at Macy's, to two sold out Fenway shows...it's been an amazing ride and I can't wait to see what's next.


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 So I'm kind of over the Easter egg hunt. There are only so many clever things to do for one child in the same yard every year. After they're too old to go for public hunts at the park or whatever, what can you do? I thought I topped myself pretty well last year with an original poem of clues for the eggs and I hoped last year would be the last year I'd have to do it. I asked him last night if he still wanted an egg hunt (he knows it's me that hides the eggs, so I'm not ruining the Easter bunny or anything). He said yes. So this year, I was saved by April Fool's Day! I made a prank Easter basket full of random things from the house, like a can of beans, a highlighter, an empty candy wrapper, etc. And I put dog treats in the eggs and hid them. Our dog was very pleased. I was a bit worried it wouldn't go over well, but it's not really about the candy. We have candy from Halloween. We'd have candy from the previous Halloween if I hadn't thrown it away. Thankfully, he was a good sport and I think even enjoyed it a little. I told him his Easter present was that he can get an extra game this month. And then we ate Halloween candy. He was happy.
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 So after my surgery, they put in a catheter to keep my bladder drained so it would heal right. I was supposed to get the catheter taken out yesterday, but they did a CT scan to make sure there were no leaks in the bladder, and there was. Apparently there is a small tear at the incision. So I have to keep the catheter in and go get checked in another week. Fingers crossed that it is all healed up by then.

I know I said some heavy stuff in the last entry. I do feel like something has to give. I just don't know how to come back from being this dissatisfied. And if like I fear, the tear is caused by not getting enough help at home, I don't want to risk that again. We'll never really know, though, if it was from him not letting me rest enough or just if I turned funny in my sleep one night or something. I haven't even really approached my feelings with my husband. It seems he kind of knows that I'm unhappy but is doing a really good job of putting his head in the sand. Not like he doesn't care, but that he just...doesn't know what to do? I guess. It's just really hard when things seem obvious to me but he doesn't have a clue.

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I've just been in a funk lately. Not only do I not feel 100% after surgery yet, I just feel in a funk. I realized I don't have a lot of consistent emotional support. Heather has been MIA. We talk like once every couple weeks now. I don't think it's just because she's busy. I really think something about her visit really set her off. I didn't entertain her enough or whatever. I don't know. So I can't really rely on her anymore. She completely missed when I had my surgery and didn't ask about it until a couple days ago. It was an afterthought really. She went on and on about her life, her cousin who forgot to pick her up for an appointment  and then asked how are things with you? I don't think she even remembered the surgery. My family rarely talks to me. I realized I worked a lot more to consider them then they do for me so I backed off. I'm tired of giving more than I get.

With my son and husband I just feel like they are both a negative energy. My husband asks what I want to do when we're all home and it's like, it doesn't matter because wherever we go they're both going to be a couple of wet blankets. I've told both of them to think before they speak and not have to utter every negative thought that goes through their heads. I try not to do that. But they have no filter.

 

So, I just feel very isolated and depressed and held back and I think I need to at least see if being on my own helps. Yes there will be some things that suck about it. But I just have to see if it's better. If it's just me or if the negativity of others really does affect me that much. Because I honestly don't look forward to anything involving either of them anymore. And I know I can't leave completely. I still think we should be somewhat of a co-effort, but I just don't want to be around for all of it anymore. They can go be negative and sarcastic by themselves once in a while. I can't stand it. The fun part is going to be explaining this to them.

 

I feel like I have given up a lot. My base requirements are, be good with animals and children. I thought he was/would be. He always had cats and dogs growing up but now he kind of treats them like crap. And he's not much better with kids.He's very conservative, and ignorant about some of his views. I mean yes there are times where I'm like the most basic white girl and I have to cringe at myself. But he doesn't seem to want to educate himself. I wanted to live a more cultured life-enjoy different foods, go to museums, shows, other exhibits...instead we all sit around looking at a various screen. I hoped he would end up a little less ignorant than his parents and he did. But I still feel he has a long way to go and we are very mismatched in the things we advocate for. I don't feel like I, as someone who wants to be a member of the mental health awareness effort, can stay with someone who is basically part of the problem and doesn't seem to want to change that. I feel like he never bothered to invest in our son's life, learn how to teach him best. He just went with the default which was to exert power and control.

 

But I feel like if I say all this, I won't be able to take it back. I feel like we will still have to co-parent, and I don't want what happened to my mom and dad to happen to us, where they stayed in touch until I was 18 and then never spoke to each other again. I feel like we could get along okay as friends and parents who don't constantly have to team up and agree. If we were in separate places we could each have our own rules and standards where that gets confusing when you live together. Like I could finally say you can't play video games at mom's house. LOL. Go outside. (Honestly, I wish we'd never introduced video games, but it was unavoidable given that his father can't live without them.)

So, I feel I need to be tactful and choose my words carefully, which isn't something I'm good at.

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 Spikesgirl58 gave me the number 10 for me to list 10 things about myself. Ask for a number in the comments and you have to list that many things about yourself.

 

1. I am a die hard NKOTB fan.

2. I'm a cat person

3. I don't have a sweet tooth, but I need my cheese

4. I like drama/comedy that also makes me cry

5. I have to feel a personal connection to music. I might not like a song but when I see it performed live or get a memory attached to it, I might suddenly like it.

6. I care too much about what people think of me.

7. I need to have personal goals for just about everything for it to be worth it for me.

8. I still love Disney/Pixar movies. I tried to stop myself from liking Disney when I was in high school. I thought I had to grow up. I had tons of little stuffed animals from the Disney store that I got rid of in an attempt to move on. It obviously didn't work.

9. I am antisocial but crave attention.

10. All I ever want is to make a difference to someone. If I change someone's life who knows what they may go on to do.

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 Part 2

So Saturday morning my husband went out and got my Rx and some groceries. My son had basketball practice, so my husband took him. Not long after they left, I heard a transformer explode and our power went out. Yay! So all day Saturday and Sunday our power was out. We managed to use the inverter on my husband's truck and keep the basement pump going but it still flooded a little and destroyed our dryer. We plugged the inverter into the fridge for a while too and kept the food cold. Then my husband borrowed his dad's generator and we ran the electric heater for a while. In the middle of Sunday night, it came back on.

My husband...is not a great caretaker. The first day I came home he was already telling me "don't be (his) mom" because I was telling him he needed to write down the times I take my pills instead of expecting me to do it. I guess he thought that was too demanding. He doesn't think to look at my scar to make sure it looks okay and he doesn't know how to support my legs so I can get into bed. I shouldn't have been surprised. I had a baby and was back to taking care of myself when I got home.

I guess, because I had most of my surgeries when I was little, I just expect people to take care of me. I was just disappointed. I kind of thought because of our recent talks about how I need more emotional care and attention, that he would really be trying. But he was snapping at me and my son just like usual. And then yesterday he said, "So how did I do through all that?" and was surprised when I was less than pleased. It sure did not give me confidence for any care I will need in the future. If I'm going to have to go through BS like this more often as I get older, I would like someone who can nurse me back to health. Is that too much to ask?

So, I thought when they said "minor surgery" that I'd be feeling good in a few days. But I decided to take this week off of school, and next week is my spring break so I get another week. I e mailed my professors to let them know and my Math professor replied "Here is the midterm review. I hope you feel better on Thursday!" So yeah...I had to go in for my midterm (and the quiz I missed) yesterday. I was surprised how good I felt about them, which means I either aced them or got them all wrong.

So yeah, that was my week.

becomingkate: (Default)

 So, I had surgery last week. I don't remember if I mentioned I was going to. I had gotten some bladder stones out a few years ago but I knew I had some left. I put it off because I detest surgery (mostly getting the IV and the constant poking and prodding after the procedure) with a passion, but finally decided to get it done. So I planned it and my husband took the week off. I planned it in Boston instead of the local hospital because it really sucks.

Two days before the surgery, the hospital called me and said they needed me to come in the next day (a Wednesday) for CT scan. Now I had already planned to go to Computers class and take a Math quiz that I was going to miss. So I had to clear my day and go to Boston by myself instead because my husband can't get the day off on short notice.

So I went in on Wednesday and they informed me I'll need an IV for contrast. Yay! My stress level shots up. It went okay, the guy wasn't great but he did get it on the first try which is more than I can say for most of them. I got the CT scan no problem and went home. I was starving so I stopped by the fish market and Market Basket and also picked up some food for my son and husband to eat while I was gone. We went out to dinner that night and turned in a little early.

We had to be in Boston pretty early for the surgery (last Thursday), so we left at the crack of dawn. Our son spent the night at a friend's house and they took him to school. They took me in for prep and of course, another IV. The woman was not at all subtle about her dismay at my veins. She kept groaning about how she couldn't see anything good. I think she had to try once or twice, I can't remember. First she gave me a numbing medicine through a shot which stung like hell and I wasn't sure if it was worth it. They gave me a sedative through the IV and then the anesthesia. I remember waking up crying, which I usually do. I don't know why it affects me like that. So they took me to the recovery room and when I was looking good they took me to the PACU (post-anesthesia) which is just like the recovery room--just beds separated by curtains in a big room.

And there I stayed, from that morning until the next night. I never got a room. That night I was on clear liquids, which sucked, but I was already on regular diet for breakfast the next day. The food was decent and you could order any time instead of waiting for a certain meal time.

They gave me nerve blockers for pain, instead of drugs, which was interesting. That meant that I was wide awake instead of being loopy like the usual painkillers do. So I was wide awake from when I woke up from my surgery around noon Thursday, until the middle of the night around midnight when I finally dozed. My husband very kindly used the portable charger while I was in surgery so by the time I got out the charger was dead and so was my phone. Thanks! He also didn't bring the right earbuds to plug into my phone so I couldn't listen to anything. I did manage to charge my phone and the charger but had to get the nurse to take care of that because I couldn't reach any plugs.

On Friday morning the pain management guy asked how I was feeling and said if my pain wasn't too bad I could go home that day. My pain never went above a 3. They were giving me Oxycodone but I think it was a low dose.

So that day my son had a presentation at school that my husband went to. So I had to wait until they were done with that for them to get me. You might have noticed we also had a bad rain storm on Friday. My son's school lost power and flooded a little. Trees and poles were down all over the place. And they had to drive up to get me. My husband didn't get gas before he left, and he called me some time later and said he only had 2 miles left and all the gas stations lost power. So he called AAA and they came with 2 gallons of gas like an hour and a half later, and then he found a gas station.

They ended up getting to the hospital at 8 pm Friday and we drove home and went to bed. I'll end this here and write another post...

becomingkate: (Default)
 Stolen from spikesgirl58 

• Favorite smell –roasting turkey
• Last cry – watching the hour-long finale of Gravity Falls with my son (it's a kids show, but was so good and touching I was sobbing at the end lol)
• Favorite pizza – I like the GF pesto flatbread I get at the store, I forget what brand it is
• Favorite Flower – roses
• Favorite Dog breed – GSD
• Favorite foot attire - cute dressy boots
• Hair color - strawberry blonde
• Favorite Ice cream – I...don't like ice cream
• Pet-peeve – hypocrites
• Shorts or jeans - jeans
• What are you listening to right now? my husband left a game open on the login screen and the intro music is playing on a loop...lol
• Favorite color - green
• Color of eyes - blue
• Favorite Holiday - NYE
• Night owl or day person- Night owl
• Favorite day of the week - Friday
• Nickname - Kit
• Favorite music – 90's mainstream
• Do you like to cook? Ayup
• Beer or wine? - wine
• Can you drive a manual shift? no
• State you were born in? MA
• Do you work out? Sometimes I treadmill
• Do you like vegetables? Some
• Do you wear glasses? Sometimes
• Favorite season? Spring
becomingkate: (Default)

 I finally had a sort of meltdown the other day. A quiet one that mostly occurred in my head, lol. I got so fed up with everything here at home. I felt like I was just treading water at best, sinking at worst. And I felt like my husband knew all this was going on but didn't bother or know how to change it. Like every day I'd have the same complaints and he still thought everything was fine. Like I was supposed to bitch about things every day to get through to him. That's not my style. I tell you I'm unhappy, I expect you to realize I'm still unhappy the next day if nothing else has changed. And yes there is that whole "change your perspective" thing but I've tried doing that so many times I don't know which way is up anymore.

I used to be able to keep it together while my husband so visibly had an intolerance for children and animals (when we started the relationship, he appeared to have an affection for both, but those were my rose-colored glasses I guess). Loving children and animals is sort of my base standard for humans. If you don't, we won't get along. So that was just the beginning, when we had to not have cats anymore because my husband realized he's allergic, and refuses to take medication for it. Then we had a kid and he immediately had zero patience. That was a huge disappointment. But I was able to carry on. Now that our son is reaching puberty, he needs positive male role models. He has some teachers, but not really mentors or anything. And I don't want to take away from the resources for families who really need it--who don't have a father figure, or positive teachers, or anything.

I used to be able to at least fake it that I liked parenting. It wasn't so bad. But it's worn on me, to have a partner physically there (sometimes, at least) but emotionally not there. And I let down that facade that everything was fine. This evolved into anger and depression.

 

So anyway, after years of trying to keep up appearances I recently started talking to people on 7 cups (where I am also a listener) about my situation. I got some advice on both sides-how to try to improve things if I stayed, and how I would cope if I left. I found myself disagreeing with those who suggested staying. I've stayed for this long. What's to make me expect that anything will change this time?

So a couple years ago, I actually looked up apartments. More expensive than I expected. I started trying to figure out who would have our son and when, and I worried that my husband would turn against me at the news of my departure, and try to take our son full time, or deny me any compensation, etc.

We are not bad as friends. It's parenting and marriage we suck at. If all we had to do was watch TV, go out once in a while, and go on the computer, we'd be great room mates. We just can't seem to make it work with our different parenting styles.

Neither one of us was really adamant that we wanted kids, but we weren't adamant that we didn't, either. I assumed that if we did have one, we'd do the best parenting we could. Who really wants to be a bad parent? We didn't, so we thought it would come more naturally to be good ones.

 

On the day I was looking up apartments, I finally told my husband I'd been thinking about leaving. Once again I said why I was (still) unhappy. Once again he said he would try harder, but that he had been trying (which is funny, because I actually feel that things have gotten worse lately). I also said if I wasn't happy in about a month, I was considering leaving. I don't know if that's enough time, or at the same time too much time, after the years I've already been waiting for him to wake up.

 

I have a feeling if I do leave, I'm going to wish I did it years ago. If it gets better and I stay, I'm going to wonder why it took so long to get better.

 

 

becomingkate: (Default)

 I know not everyone is a Valentine's Day fan, but I appreciate it. I have a guilt complex about spending money, so any day where it's "okay" to spend money is good by me. I know, consumerism is bad. I'm such a basic white girl it isn't funny.

 

I do have a funny story about V-day though. My husband gave me a box of chocolates, how generic, right? But then he says "I see you already found your other presents" and I had no idea what he meant. He took out two cheeses and gave them to me. I said "Oh! I thought I bought those and forgot about them."

You know you have a cheese problem when you see random cheese and assume you bought it and just forgot.

 

I have another present coming though. Years ago, when I worked at a nice upscale restaurant, we had this family meal and wine tasting before every dinner. It was really great. Anyway, we sampled a sparkling dry red wine and I fell in love with it. No place carried it, but we got a store to order it for us. I'd go back there every so often and there would be a couple bottles there. Then, they stopped carrying it.

I never found it again anywhere else and I kept trying poor substitutes. My husband bought me one a few days ago and it wasn't bad but still a little sweeter than I like. So today he tells me he looked high and low for any place that carries it and couldn't find any but found one store that orders it from North Carolina or something and is one of the companies that is allowed to ship it to MA. MA is one of the states that allows alcohol deliveries to homes but apparently there is a certain number of companies that are allowed to and this place is one of them. So I will be getting my shipment soon :D

I ordered Universal Yums for us too. We get something called MunchPak now which is pretty good but is about to run out and I heard Universal Yums was good.

 

Kind of weird that I don't have a tag for valentine's day yet...I seem to remember my husband was sort of hit or miss about the presents in previous years. Although I did tell him to stop buying me cheese, lol.

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