(no subject)

 I give up on humanity.  The girl who was supposed to sleep over last night never showed up.  My son was heartbroken and cried himself to sleep.  He had set up decorations for her and even wrapped a picture of himself for her.  He was excited to play games with her and have cake and ice cream together.  And she never showed, never answered her home phone and didn't call yet today.  So I guess they took off for a nice weekend and forgot about us?  Who knows.  We'll try to call her again today, or find out what happened tomorrow, assuming everything is okay and she's at school.

So my husband and I had a couple drinks and watched the Doctor Who special, which was pretty good--I rarely can follow the plot of that show but love the emotions that run through it and the nods to previous Doctors were great.

Later on when we went to bed we had a huge fight that has been brewing inside me for some time now but must have seemed out of the blue to my husband.  Tipsy fighting is never fun but I don't regret or take back anything I said.  I meant it all, but he probably thinks I don't.  I hope he does want to talk about it later because I don't think this is ever going to get better and we need to come to some decision.  I can tell when he's trying to avoid talking about something.  He gets overly cheerful, helpful and jokey like that will make me think everything is actually okay.  That used to work, actually.  During some of our roughest patches he would act like that and I would think, oh good, this will blow over and we'll get better.  But now I see that won't happen.

He laughed at me when I was going through the things I do around the house for him.  I know that what I do is a drop in the bucket to people who are fastidious cleaners and need everything just so, but we are real people with a real child and we do not live in a museum.  Things are cluttered at best but nothing is filthy, I don't leave food sitting out, I clean the cat box regularly and I pointed out that I managed to finish all the laundry in one day last week and didn't even get a thank you.  He says it's because it would just be normal to him to you know, do the laundry.  But for me it's big because I can't carry much because of my back, and I'm terrified of going down stairs when I can't see my feet (I am prone to poor balance and falling) so I have to carry the laundry down load by load, wrapped in a towel so I can carry it and see my feet.  It sounds ridiculous but it isn't easy.  Then there was the day I actually did hurt my back raking leaves, because he asked me to try to get to it while he was at work, and I still went out and tried to rake some more the next day and stopped because it still hurt.  He thanked me for the first day, but on the second attempt he said "Oh, you didn't get to rake leaves?" because they had blown around and made it look like I didn't rake any, and when I told him I had indeed done some he laughed and said "it's never enough", which is true, but I did try, so how about a thank you?

I told him it seems like he thinks he gets a free pass out of everything because OMG he works for a living.  But he's a cable guy, and I've seen the idiots he works with.  It's not hard.  Physically demanding maybe, but he's in good shape.  He doesn't get to come home and zone out and whine about doing some dishes or cleaning up clutter, and he doesn't get to ignore our son or blow him off when he's trying to share something or just wants to be with his dad.

I cook every meal, I make sure the house is presentable, I sit down with Josh and go over his homework, make sure he's got snacks, food he likes and clothes and things to do.  And I get it that my husband working makes it possible for all that to happen but that's not where the responsibility ends. I want him to be a productive member of the family, not just the work force.  I just don't see our personalities meshing at all.  He's spacey, doesn't sit down and look Josh in the eye when they're talking, can't do a thing without sighing about it or saying "Wouldn't you rather __________ instead?"  And he doesn't realize how it breaks my heart and he doesn't realize that while I'm suffering, it would not necessarily be better or easier without him.  Sometimes, even though I know it has its own struggles, my husband coming home at the end of the day is a welcome change of pace, especially on Saturdays, and I expect to be somewhat relieved of my post, so to speak.  I'm still present, but when there's another person home, I expect them to interact as well, not come home and think "This is MY break, you've been watching tv all day."  When I haven't.

It's the same shit I've been telling him for years and he's still convinced that "we" or even "I" need to work on it.  What do I need to work on?  Cleaning?  I know he had terrible parental role models.  It doesn't mean he has an excuse to not be a good, thoughtful, warm person.  

We just have nothing in common anymore.  He claims I changed,  I claim that I grew up.  Playing Everquest all day was fun for a while, but I'm done now and I'd like to have a real, adult relationship now.  I respect couples who game together, or even couples where one games and the other doesn't, as long as they're mature and responsible about it and actually connect on a personal level.  I envy that, actually.  I would rather have that instead of my husband who thinks everything could be fixed if I'd only come play WoW with him again.  He's a competitive player.  I am casual.  It would never work out, and it didn't in the past, either.  That's one reason why I stopped.

He knows I'm still mad at him.  He dropped me off at home after lunch so they could go to the inlaws to watch football and he kind of moved towards me to kiss me goodbye and I just walked off.  

Kind of hoping that since my son missed out on his sleepover, MIL will take pity on him and let him stay over, although that's unlikely because it's a school night.