(no subject)

 Another thing that has come up here and there, but I haven't really delved into, is my sexual preference. Summed up, I guess you could say "it's complicated".

Growing up I was always mainly attracted to boys. You could say I was "boy crazy". I had a new crush every week starting in middle school, mostly based on who wore black that week. I thought boys looked incredibly good in black. (I still do.)  So someone I never looked twice at could wear a nice black outfit or, once I hit high school, a trenchcoat and bam, I had a new interest.
Once I got into my later years of high school I started getting kind of funny feelings about girls. Someone would compliment me or flash a nice smile and I'd be like, woah. What is that feeling?

I never pursued girls in high school. Heck, I barely pursued guys. Once I hit college I had a wild year where I had my first experience with a woman, and it didn't go great, because she and I didn't really hit it off, in the end. I figured I just wasn't that into women, and the next year, I met my husband.

That first year of college really makes me look back and wonder, was I open to polyamory long before I thought I was? I remember when I met my husband I was still dating another guy. I made list after list of the pros and cons of each guy. I never thought, why not both? I thought it was normal to date around a lot and then settle on the one you wanted to be with. I lived with that norm for a long time until I met a woman a couple years ago and really thought I had strong feelings for her. I thought, why wouldn't humans be able to love more than one person? You can love more than one child, more than one family member, why can't those feelings apply to romantic relationships as well?

Unfortunately, my husband was not as open minded. It was enough of a hurdle for him to understand that I'm bisexual and was still interested in women. I felt I was pushing the envelope by expecting him to be open to me seeing someone else. I really wanted to make it work but it wasn't working for any of us and there were some expectations from her that were unrealistic too. (Anyone that missed it can go read the entries from summer 2016 and a few months afterward, it's quite a ride.)

So not only did I find out I am still healthily into women, but that I could have the capacity to be romantically involved with more than one person and have feelings for both of them. I always felt I could be. I just thought it was normal, and that marriage only involves one other person, so people either had to decide on one, or not get married. I grew up in a time where things like open relationships and different sexualities were becoming a little more talked about but there was quite the stigma. I still question my bisexuality and I have seen by lurking on the bisexuality subreddit that this is a common thing. We've been taught that we can be attracted to one, or the other. It starts getting a little weird for observers when you are attracted to both, especially if you've already "chosen" one, eg. if you are in a long term relationship, or married. So you start questioning yourself, am I still bi? For some, it's hard to identify as something if you're not living it, because nobody sees that part of you, and parts that don't feel validated feel less true.

I never really wanted to come out as bisexual officially because it felt like I wasn't authentically bi. I had almost always been with men sexually, never had a serious relationship with a woman at all, so was I really bi? And then as I got older I learned it wasn't about your actions, it's how you feel in your heart about what you're attracted to. So yes, I'm bi. Always.

There's some controversy about the term bisexual vs. pansexual. Some people feel like "bisexual" omits attraction to trans people and others who don't fit into simply male or female. I don't feel this way. To me being "bisexual" is not about two genders, it's about the divide I feel depending on the person. I feel differently about different genders. This too is complicated, and I might go into it in another entry, but that's my short answer. I am attracted to trans people. I'm attracted to cis men, I'm attracted to cis women. I'm attracted to that person who doesn't seem to attach themselves to either binary and that's something that used to bother me but doesn't so much anymore. I'm attracted to all genders, but how I'm attracted to them is different. So to me, "bi" doesn't mean "two", but rather it means divided and different, but still attraction.