Hope amid disaster

[becomingkate]

 I've joined dailyprompt  in an effort to write more.  Often I feel inspired to write but I don't know where to start.  I don't claim to be a good writer.  I won't edit and re-edit these entries but rather this is just an attempt to get some juices flowing.  Some will be fiction, some will be based on actual experiences if the prompt triggers such thoughts.

Today's prompt is "hope amid disaster".

I guess it started back when I was young.  My life has always been a bit tumultuous.  In and out of hospitals since birth, a big move when I was in elementary school, another school switch in the summer between 9th and 10th grade.  Maybe it shouldn't be a mystery why I never put down roots anywhere.  Why at age 33 I still don't know what I want to be when I grow up.  

I thought I'd be happy, pouring my efforts into the lives around me.  I got married, had a kid.  I got involved with church and playgroups for my son and was content with giving to others, until I realized I didn't know where my life began.  When I couldn't hold a conversation about anything except what my son was up to these days or shitty small talk like the weather I knew I was losing it.  I felt like a shell of myself.  Where was that girl who once went to college for psychology? She used to be so daring.  She used to meet people from online in random places, some public, some not.  Sure it was dangerous, but it was FUN.  It was exciting.  Hopping on a Greyhound to Washington DC for the weekend, I could have been one of those faces on the news-a good girl who took off for the weekend and never came back.  Not that I wished to end up like that, but hell, just the possibility of an adventure was awesome.  Now, nothing seems fun.  Attempts to turn up the music and unwind only end in a sense of guilt and resignation to the next day when life returned to normal.

As I look around me, things appear to be pretty good.  I've got a roof over my head (even if it needs some work).  My son is excelling at school.  My husband has a good job.  He has no parenting skills, but who am I to judge?  There have been times when I was even worse than he can be.  I just don't want him growing up remembering angry faces, requests to "be quiet" or "leave me alone for just a minute, would you?" 

It's hard to explain to someone else just why you are so darn depressed.  Because to them, your life would look pretty good too.  They wouldn't see the tiny remarks your husband makes or the constant wearing away that your son is so good at.  The daily battles would be so simple if people would just listen and do it.  You start to wonder if you're crazy, how other parents manage to do this and get through it with a shred of sanity intact when you're finally waving them goodbye and you get that little pang of sadness and you think "That wasn't so hard...was it?" and the best thing someone can do for you is look at you and say "Yes.  Yes it was hard.  It might have been worth it but you do not want to do again.  Remember?"

Yet this is a part of parenthood, of marriage, of life.  To have hope amid disaster.  To remember your mantra, This too shall pass.  And to make the most of everything, because while you're waiting for that day when everything changes, your life is still going on.  
 

Comments

[intothenight]

*hugs* Really wonderful. Glad to see you doing this!