becomingkate

I'm going to be a bit of a post whore today. I'm knocking around the house by myself, with the news of the cookbook being postponed until fall setting me on edge, wondering how I'm going to wait 3/4 of a year when I could barely wait a month.

So I'm just wondering why I have such a problem with some things and not with others. Why I can wait for months for news about the cookbook with only a carrot on a stick dangling in front of me and yet I can't get through the day to day life without falling apart.

Maybe I'm too much of a dreamer. Maybe the anticipation of things to come keeps me going more than the here and now of what I have. Of course staying at home, cleaning and cooking and taking care of our son is not the fantasy life I dream of. But it's my life and it's my responsibility to take hold of it and make it as good as I can for myself and my family. Maybe at this time next year (if I'm very very lucky) I'll be jet setting off to promote the cookbook, rub elbows with NKOTB and their friends...but for now I'm mom and housewife with an occasional gig as a bus monitor.

I worked to get my name out there. I took the plunge and e mailed Remember Betty, I took a chance, thinking I'd be returned with "You want to do a cookbook with Danny? Get in line." But things look more and more possible with every message I get back, every bit of hope thrown at me. It's like I'm in middle school again, analyzing the notes my boyfriend sends to me, trying to decipher the intention behind each word. I started a facebook page, started putting out cooking tips on twitter when the conversations lulled, got a few dedicated people to help get my name out there. My friend Heather created the e mail address and helped promote the project on the NKOTB fan club (which I am not a part of, and I know that's a shocker! I should probably get on that).

Meanwhile I'm a lazy bum at home. And I look at myself and think, I'm not even worthy to be working with one of my idols. I don't picture myself being capable of doing that. People who get involved in business ventures with celebrities are put together, organized, social. And I wonder, if I do get picked to do this, can I pull it off? What if I've bitten off more than I can chew? What if I went for my dream just to say I tried? "They said no, but I tried." What if I can't really do this?

And then I think...wait until fall. Fall is an awfully long time to put a dream on hold. Then again, I've waited this long to even dream of doing something like this. Why not wait a few more months?

Have fun bearing with me, readers. I'm going to be jumpy, anxious, maybe a little bit obsessive. If I get a little too full of shit, bring me down. Please.