becomingkate: (Default)
 So this morning I had no anxiety at all.  It was really strange.  Well I did feel slightly uncomfortable, but not like OMG get me off this bus right now!

So I'm hoping I feel okay through the afternoon.  As I said before, it sucks that I have this two-shift thing.  I would much rather have a normal job where you go to work and you're there all day and then you go home.  Because I really don't enjoy this three hour break in the middle.  

I'm about to go on a rant and I don't want any of you to feel like you have to read it or reply but here it is under a cut.  I imagine it's very sensitive to most if not all of you, but I had to get it out.

I'm on a roll today...abortion and gun control discussed inside )
becomingkate: (Default)
 My Friday pm and today a.m. back to work went okay.  All was quiet so I didn't have to break up any disorderliness or anything.  The problem is when it's quiet I 1) start to feel sleepy and 2) start to focus on my anxiety and make myself feel worse.  I forgot how much anxiety wipes me out.  I feel like I could take a nap, but I know I will wake up feeling worse.  Nothing really helps distract me from it, especially not on the bus and this job is really bad for it because after I do the morning pickup and ride to school, I get to go home and think about it for 3 hours before going back for the pickup and drive to all their houses.

The pickup takes an hour and the drive to school takes half an hour.

I'd like to type more about it but I'm feeling more anxious already.  I hate this.

So...big NKOTB year.  Tour date announcement on Jan. 22, a single coming out this month and a new album dropping later in the spring (I believe they said March or April), another cruise and a tour this summer.  Joey said he was planning on going solo for a bit (as well as doing things with NKOTB) but haven't heard anything about that yet.

Donnie is keeping busy with producing a show about the Boston police department on TNT called Boston's Finest (not out yet)  Supposedly there is going to be a reality show about the Wahlbergs' burger joint, aptly called Wahlburgers.  

Oh and does anyone watch Once Upon a Time?  Spoiler under the cut...I thought there was a spoiler tool here? )
becomingkate: (Default)
Warning, if you look up to me in any way you might want to skip this one because I'm on a rant mode today and I may hurt some feelings!

Oh my god was yesterday crazy.  First as usual my husband was acting completely out of it, I don't know what his problem is but he always acts like this around holidays and it completely ruins things.  I want to spend time with my family but it's a huge embarassment to bring my husband who actually pretends to like playing with our son just so he doesn't have to talk to anyone.  Sure, I understand anxiety but I wish it would just go away.  I get the insensitive award of the year.  But I don't care.  Holidays are completely ruined and I think next year we won't visit any of my family just so we don't have to deal with it.  It's just another step in the process of my husband and me growing further and further apart.

Also, our dog got an ulcer in his eye and needed ointment 3x a day so we had to bring him to my dad's house.  Unfortunately one of my stepmom's sisters is allergic to dogs so our dog had to stay outside.  It was a nice day, until it started getting dark, then my husband brought him out to sit in the car and warm up for a while (yay, another excuse to not talk to anyone!).  

Lastly, the turkey was done about 3 hours later than we expected.  When I got there it was already out of the oven and they proudly announced it was done after 3 hours!  Let's see, 20 lb. turkey, that should take about 5 hours.  Hmm.  I didn't want to say anything, what if it was a skinny turkey with a lot of bones?  LOL  Plus we had to make just about everything vegan because there was one vegan girl.  Again, I understand.  But why couldn't we make a separate batch for her?  The stuffing was that box stuffing (plain, not chicken flavored or whatever) with water added to it.  Mmmm.  She made vegan mac and cheese and vegan spanakopita and some kind of vegan peanut butter and chocolate dessert.  Can someone explain to me why vegans can't eat real peanut butter?  (is it because of the rat bits in it? No, seriously. Or is it bugs?  Anyway.)

I'm annoyed because they didn't even need me to be there in the first place- my dad invited us in the first place because he just had shoulder surgery and he claimed he needed help.  They didn't ask me to do a damn thing while I was there.  I stood around with a barking dog outside, an uncomfortable husband and a son who was all over the place for 2 hours before anyone even got there.  And three more hours while my stepmom's family avoided me and my family because really there's nothing to talk about with me, who's not working and doesn't have any great hobbies and a husband who doesn't want to talk to anyone.  Josh monopolized the day, honestly.

At the end of the day he threw an enormous fit and we left in a hurry and left my cheesecake there, which came out excellent, I got many requests to make it again, and I am so relieved because that was the first from scratch cheesecake I've made in my life.  It is super easy and doesn't even require a mixer like most of the recipes I found.  I made it in a pie pan, but you could use a springform, too, probably.  http://www.momswhothink.com/cheesecake-recipes/oreo-cheesecake-recipe.html (also I made the oreo crust from scratch by grinding up some oreos and adding melted butter until it could be molded to the bottom and sides of the pie pan)

I hate to come across like a big bitch but I'm tired of having crappy holidays and if I'd known it was going to be this bad I would have married a more family-oriented person.  I know, again, my fault.  But I'm actually already dreading Christmas.

To top off everything else one of my online friends has been unreachable since Thanksgiving and she was in a fairly desperate mood the night before Thanksgiving.  I and a few others chatted with her for a while and I went to bed and found out later she'd basically cut off all social media forms of reaching her and also hasn't been reached by text.  So far haven't found anyone who can call her.  

So, back when I told my husband we were going up to my dad's for Thanksgiving he said "I want to have a good Thanksgiving with you guys" so I'll be making Thanksgiving dinner tomorrow. I already got the stuffing and cranberry sauce out of the way.  I think I'll go bake a pie now.
becomingkate: (Default)
I'm thinking of quitting my job or at least trying to transfer to something else. Right now I'm a bus monitor on a small van that takes 3 kids to a school just out of state. I go twice a day-once to pick them up at their houses and bring them to school, and then after about a 3 hour break I go back to the school and we bring them home. It sounds easy right? Here's the problem-I've been having chronic stomach aches lately. Because of many medical issues I've had since birth this is very uncomfortable for me and I'm never sure if I'm going to be okay or if I'll need to run to a bathroom. This is not really cool when you're stuck on a van on the highway.

It's mostly anxiety, because usually as soon as I get home, or sometimes even after the kids have left the van, I start to feel better. But because it's so random, I'm never sure what's going to happen.

I'd love to stay home, but we make just a little less than enough money. My job is only part time-I really need a full time one. My husband is okay with me going back to school IF I study something I'm actually going to use. But how am I to know what will be lucrative?

I've mentioned before that I have a project in the works, and I've considered making a website for this project. I'd need to take some classes for that because I don't know the first thing about making websites.

I wish I could just function normally and get a real job but I don't think a lot of people are going to be accepting of my having to randomly find a bathroom all the time. LOL

My mom did mention that I could try for disability, which I guess I'll bring up with my doctor when I go in a couple weeks. I hate having to do that, because there are people with real disabilities and here I am just not being able to handle not being near a bathroom. I feel like that's a lame excuse. But I don't know what else to do. I also don't really want to go back to school. I'm not really very self motivated.

Blah...

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