Change happens slowly
May. 29th, 2009 01:41 pm![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
becomingkateStep one. I've put in my two weeks notice at my job. The more I thought about it, the more I realized it's just not who I am. First of all, I frigging hate to clean and organize. Furthermore, I'm not good at them! So why do I keep telling myself I need to love this job where cleaning and organizing are key?
Second, why subject myself to a group of people who are a bunch of assholes? Why do I laugh off their stupid, offensive jokes, let them put me down as a woman, and tell myself it's okay? Why do I even try to laugh at their dumb jokes and off color comments? Why am I trying to fit myself, a circle, into this square? Because I love food? I can sit at home in a corner and love food all I want without putting up with that crap!
Lastly--why de-sex myself by dressing in this too big, unflattering, black, drab uniform with a hat that's too big? Why am I making myself try to be 2 feet taller than I really am in order to reach things I need, and constantly dropping things, forgetting recipes, and holding up the group? Again, why do I need to make myself something I'm not? Surely there must be something out there that fits *me*, instead of me trying to fit it.
There are a million reasons why I'm glad I left, and only one or two why I should have stayed. Those are not good odds.
On another note, I've realized I really do look like hell. I'm embarassed to be seen in pictures. Must look into permanent makeup.
My wii fit told me I lost 2 lbs, but I think that's because I hadn't eaten that day.
I will keep working at it. Some days, I work out twice a day. Nothing hard core, just keeping active. You'd think with a toddler I'd be dropping the lbs. Not so!
I'm ready to become what I'm meant to be. No more waiting for something to fall in my lap. It might be a dead bird.
Second, why subject myself to a group of people who are a bunch of assholes? Why do I laugh off their stupid, offensive jokes, let them put me down as a woman, and tell myself it's okay? Why do I even try to laugh at their dumb jokes and off color comments? Why am I trying to fit myself, a circle, into this square? Because I love food? I can sit at home in a corner and love food all I want without putting up with that crap!
Lastly--why de-sex myself by dressing in this too big, unflattering, black, drab uniform with a hat that's too big? Why am I making myself try to be 2 feet taller than I really am in order to reach things I need, and constantly dropping things, forgetting recipes, and holding up the group? Again, why do I need to make myself something I'm not? Surely there must be something out there that fits *me*, instead of me trying to fit it.
There are a million reasons why I'm glad I left, and only one or two why I should have stayed. Those are not good odds.
On another note, I've realized I really do look like hell. I'm embarassed to be seen in pictures. Must look into permanent makeup.
My wii fit told me I lost 2 lbs, but I think that's because I hadn't eaten that day.
I will keep working at it. Some days, I work out twice a day. Nothing hard core, just keeping active. You'd think with a toddler I'd be dropping the lbs. Not so!
I'm ready to become what I'm meant to be. No more waiting for something to fall in my lap. It might be a dead bird.
