(no subject)

[becomingkate]

Honestly I think I'm about at the end of my rope.  I had the parent teacher conference yesterday in which I found out that my son is a model student.  He was picked out of his class (2 from each class) to stand up at an assembly and be recognized for good choices and helping people and stuff.  It brings tears to my eyes for more than one reason.  Obviously I'm really proud of him, but I feel like I can't take credit for this.  He's always been a really helpful kid without my prompting.  The problem is, he's not this way at home.  He said himself, he saves all his good behavior for school because "school is more specialer than home".  Well I'm trying to teach him that good people are good all the time, not just for half the day.  The four hours he spends at home (and the 2 or so before school) are pure chaos.  Unless he gets really involved in something, he's constantly doing things I told him a thousand times not to do, talking back, throwing things, kicking...and he claims he has no control over this.  I'm trying to teach him he does have control over his own body.    I send him to his room, take things away, even yell and lash out in my outraged moments.

I never thought I'd be that kind of mom but I can ask him nicely until I'm blue in the face to go get dressed, or brush his teeth or basically anything I ask him to do, and he won't move until I snap at him or threaten to take something away if he doesn't get it done.  I hate that we've gotten to this.  I wanted to be the kind, doting mother with the child who respects his parents enough to do the things they ask before I have to ask him 5 times.  And then 5 times again the next day. And the next and the next, like he hasn't learned anything from previous experiences of us being frustrated with him for not listening, or talking back.

What's worse is that since he's a perfect angel around everyone else, I look like a crazy person when I can't handle his behavior.  When I don't think that it's cute that he won't stop talking over people or that he controls people to his will or that everything has to be perfect.  When I make him a sandwich and he refuses to eat it because there's an air bubble in the bread.  When he refuses to talk to me until it's past bedtime and then he screams and cries because he misses me.  These things that are cute in short doses are purely intolerable when you're around them all the time.  Cute can turn into annoying real fast.

What also kills me is that I know he's capable of good behavior.  If he had some kind of behavioral issue where he didn't know right from wrong I might be able to see it differently.  But the teacher said it herself, he knows right from wrong.  He knows what he's doing at home is wrong. He knows we don't tolerate it and he has no plans of changing.  He'd rather get yelled at and dragged to his room than just go brush his damn teeth.  That's what I can't understand.  He has no respect for me and my husband and yet he obeys a teacher he's known for 3 months.

My husband doesn't help.  He's as impatient as I am.  I don't agree with the threats and punishments he doles out and yet to convey a false solidarity I have to sit there and agree to it and then I'm mad at my husband and myself for going along with it.  I get no support from my husband, he thinks I've gone off the deep end I think.  He obviously doesn't even like me anymore and I don't like him.  He picks fights with me and makes me look like the crazy one.  He and I disagree on everything so after I'm done disciplining my son I have to turn around and discuss with my husband why I feel his approach was wrong.  This morning my son very sweetly woke me up at 5:50 a.m. to tell me that he was going to wake up daddy and let me sleep in.  Well, daddy refused to get up and my son refused to go back to his room until a decent hour so by the time I was done shoving my husband out of bed I too was wide awake and we got up grumpy and fighting first thing.  I'm going to start setting my son's alarm for 6:30, but I know my son will get up whenever he pleases and refuse to leave us alone until we get up too.  

Then he had the nerve to suggest that *I* go back to my therapist to deal with this?  Because somehow it's my problem and my fault that our son is acting out at home?  Because I took our son to a child therapist and she watched him for 10 minutes and decided he was perfectly fine? Because he wasn't tearing up her office and swearing at her and me, like other kids she sees, I'm supposed to go home and deal with it?

So now that I don't work I usually spend my days watching TV, doing random chores around the house, eating, feeling like a waste of space.  I have the things I like to do that make me feel useful but they are diminishing...I don't work anymore, I don't have friends, I don't really contribute to the church I'm a part of, for fear of social interaction.  I live through my son who I suppose is the best thing I'll ever create or otherwise be a part of.  I should really focus more on him but I still have an ego, apparently.  

I'm tired of people telling me this is common behavior.  First of all I think my son's behavior is more extreme than average.  Second, even if it is common, how is that going to make me feel better?  How is that going to help?  Because other people are going through it, that makes it okay?  I'm supposed to let him be a brat to us until he "grows out of it", which really means "grow into being a tween and then a teenager" which we all know is going to be even harder?

Comments

[magenta-girl.livejournal.com]

That sounds so frustrating! I don't know what I would do in those circumstances. :(

[becomingkate.livejournal.com]

Thank you...it is frustrating.

[theonlymeyouget.livejournal.com]

How old is your son?

I'm not a parent so I've never been through this, and most of my friends aren't parents, so take what I have to say at face value:

I'd take your son back to a therapist. He may be too young to conclusively diagnose with much, but it sounds like he's developing some traits you don't want to continue. He knows he CAN control his behavior, but he chooses not to, because it either gets him what he wants, gets a reaction, or allows him to control the situation.

My guess is it's a response to something at home he feels he CAN'T control. Kids are uber perceptive beings. They hear everything and they have eyes everywhere and they just... well... they KNOW things.

Could it be that he's reacting to how you and your husband interact, or how your discontent with one another (even if you think you keep it away from you son) is spilling over unwittingly into your interactions with him? Or he feels that you're focused on one another and the tension between you, that you don't have the emotional availability for him?

I don't mean this to be insulting or a negative, just a possibility that can happen with kids of couples who have stresses or problems between them, but it could be that he doesn't feel safe emotionally, and that's why he's reacting how he is. Because he KNOWS he's just a kid. He can't control much else. But dammit, you can't MAKE him eat that sandwich, and you can't MAKE him brush his teeth and he can control THAT part of his environment, anyway.

I'm not saying this is YOUR FAULT in any way. Any kind of family or behavior problem is a really complex thing. Very rarely is there any ONE thing or person to blame. Hell, any conflict between people in general is complex. Just tossing out ideas.

[becomingkate.livejournal.com]

He just turned 6. There probably is something more complex going on, but he is unable to express complex things like that. I wish he could :( thanks for your thoughts--

[jensi08.livejournal.com]

I think Get makes a fair point, to be honest. I know in my own house that my daughter picks up on stuff and I am certain reacts to it. Just the situation over the last year and a half has changed her so much!! Therapy might be a good idea for him, since he may talk to someone else. Hugs you. I am close to this point too, mama.

[becomingkate.livejournal.com]

Well we are all screwed then because I have tried and tried again to tell my husband that we need to improve both with ourselves and how we handle Josh and he just won't help me. He's never here so he forgets how to react to certain things and sets us back to square one.

[myrrhmade.livejournal.com]

Having been an elementary school teacher for 14 years, I've seen this before, but I don't fell comfortable talking about private stuff in public. I'd be honored to talk in lj msg with you, I might tell you stuff you already know though. =/

[becomingkate.livejournal.com]

Oh yes you can certainly message me if you'd like to.

[babyhomecakes.livejournal.com]

aw kate, I feel like we are going thru similiar things at the moment. Have you talked to your son's doctor? This doesnt sound like common behaviour, and maybe the dr can provide some resources or some suggestions to think about? I'll tell you now that I wouldn't agree with medication, but they can help refer you to certain places for types of therapy.

I'm thinking about you often, and I am always here!

[becomingkate.livejournal.com]

Thanks!

We have his annual appt. in January (his birthday was in November but they are apparently booked pretty heavily)

I will talk to her about it, maybe she can get some insight out of him too.

[creativexangst.livejournal.com]

This sound some what similar to what my friend is dealing with with her 6 year old son. One of the things HE does is read like a champ (seriously, CHAPTER books, and I dont mean easy ones) and he can do math backwards and forwards, but at school, they think he needs remedial reading because he "doesn't know his alphabet" (he's known it since he was 3). The problem is that he figured out early on that the people who need the most help get the most attention, and he has more or less only child syndrome and wants as much attention as possible, and will make bad choices for it.

What might help is figuring out what motivates him. How old is he, btw? Alex is VERY motivated by money, so what he has is a weekly chore chart with the basics- brush teeth, wipe down sink, organize shoes, make bed, feed fish etc. and he also gets "bonus stars" for when he does a task without them asking more than once. For each star, he gets a dime, kept in the bank of Dad. So, lets say he brushes his teeth every night and morning for a week, thats a $1.40 right there. He has the capacity to earn up to $5 a week just by doing all of his chores. If he has to be reminded, he doesn't get his star. Like I said, I dont know how old your son is, but if he has a concept of what money can do for him (i.e. you have $5, you can buy yourself a toy/candy/whatever), then it's likely he'll be more motivated to actually do some of the regular chores.

Also, Im a "mean mom" without being a mother yet-you dont like the food I made you, then you wait for your next meal, and you get to eat that again. So lets say you made scrambled eggs, ick, refuse to eat. Find, toss that out, at lunch, HELLO SCRAMBLED EGG. So on and so forth until they learn that they eat whats in front of them or they go hungry. "Strange" food I'm more willing to be lenient with, but you have to try it, and REALLY try it, three good bites, and if you dont like it, then you get something else (and I learned that you never say what the something else is...some kids would prefer a peanut butter sandwich for every meal...) Fact is, kids WILL get hungry and eventually they WILL eat, whether they like it or not. The trick is that everyone in the household needs to work together and be a united force on the discipline. If one parent is more willing to give an inch than the other one, any progress made will be reversed. It takes a lot of work, but then, so does dog training and in a way, this is similar-you're training your child to be a decent adult haha.

ANYWAY you probably didnt need me to blather on like this (oh yes, please tell me how you, a childless woman can give me advice on my kid...) but I'm pursuing my degree in child psychology, and I was a nanny for a while, so I do have a LITTLE knowledge. I'd like to think that Im more prepared than some for being a mother whenever it does happen (please be soon!)

[becomingkate.livejournal.com]

My son is 6 too!

He is doing awesome in school, knows his abc's, upper and lowercase, is doing math (like you mentioned about your friend's son), is just starting reading but is doing really well.

Nothing seems to stick as far as motivation. We've done charts, we've done monetary rewards, we've done toy rewards, we've taken things away for bad behavior, it all works for a few days and then he loses interest.

I'm afraid we're a lost cause on the united front. I've been trying since day 1 to get my husband to see eye to eye with my discipline techniques (since I've always been the one who's home with him most, if not all the time) and he just does not get it so we're a big mess in that area.

He's extremely independent, doesn't ask for help with anything but at the same time refuses to do it himself. Like if he said "I need help getting dressed" I'd be more likely to do it (even though he obviously doesn't need help), but no, he doesn't want my help and he won't do it himself. I'm at a loss.

I'm pretty lenient with the food thing, I know some parents are a stickler for that but I have so many battles already I let that one go. He's not hungry, why should I force it? Would you like someone to force you to eat something you don't like? (Especially cold eggs?) I know what my son likes, if he decided he isn't hungry after I've made it, if it can be saved and still be tasty, I save it, or I eat it myself or throw it away and he won't get anything until next meal or snack, whatever's next.

Thanks for your advice!