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Feb. 15th, 2013 01:59 pm![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
becomingkate Sorry to be a post whore, but I just came across something that kind of took me back and I felt like writing about it.
I had this friend about 4-5 years ago who I met through a playgroup I was a part of with my son. I was probably closest to her out of the whole group. She was what I considered cool. She homeschooled, was very relaxed with her kids, very free spirited. She took them camping and out for adventures. She had 2 teenage girls and two kids who were about 3 and 5 at the time.
I developed a pretty serious crush on this woman. I think she just embodied everything I wanted to be and I looked up to her. I was having a yahoo messenger conversation with her one night when we were talking about women and stuff (I knew she was bi, I think, and I identified as bi too but wasn't out) I told her I'd had previous relationships with women and that I was still interested in women and that my husband knew and was open to me pursuing that. Back then we had a very different relationship-we were considering open marriage, but we never worked out the logistics so we dropped it. Since then I've been with one woman that my husband knew about and actually helped me get together with, but that was weird when it came down to it, and I haven't thought about trying again ever since.
I told her I was having a hard time finding women who were okay with me being married, blah blah blah and she said "Well, I could take you out". I said "On a date date, or just as friends?" and she said "A date..maybe more than one"
I pretty much lost my mind then. I had been hoping for years to develop a relationship with a woman that was friendship first, not immediately intimate.
A couple days later, I was asking her (again, online) where she thought we should go on our date and she essentially said she had changed her mind. (I didn't save that conversation. Go figure.)
I was devastated. And my poor husband, in the background probably thinking "Uh, what about me? I'm right here" tried to support and comfort me as best he could because he knew how much I liked this woman not just as a potential date but as a person.
Of course things fell apart from there; it was incredibly awkward when we'd show up at the same playdates, and we tried to hang out a couple times just us as friends, but it was too weird. The last time we talked, she was going to "pencil me in" for a playdate with our kids and I never heard from her again.
Up until recently I still had her on facebook. I just never got around to removing her and I never saw her posts so it didn't occur to me to remove her until a few days ago. Just now, all I was doing was looking for my word processing program on my computer so I could jot some things down and I found the saved file of our conversation. I'm kind of glad I saved it. It's kind of like a blow to my heart though, all over again. I remember the intense feelings I had for her, the elation when she said she'd take me out on a date! and the devastation when she told me she'd changed her mind.
Oh well. I spend too much time thinking about past relationships and probably not enough time thinking about my current relationship. I guess I just miss the excitement, the strong feelings. Everything just feels so blah now.
I had this friend about 4-5 years ago who I met through a playgroup I was a part of with my son. I was probably closest to her out of the whole group. She was what I considered cool. She homeschooled, was very relaxed with her kids, very free spirited. She took them camping and out for adventures. She had 2 teenage girls and two kids who were about 3 and 5 at the time.
I developed a pretty serious crush on this woman. I think she just embodied everything I wanted to be and I looked up to her. I was having a yahoo messenger conversation with her one night when we were talking about women and stuff (I knew she was bi, I think, and I identified as bi too but wasn't out) I told her I'd had previous relationships with women and that I was still interested in women and that my husband knew and was open to me pursuing that. Back then we had a very different relationship-we were considering open marriage, but we never worked out the logistics so we dropped it. Since then I've been with one woman that my husband knew about and actually helped me get together with, but that was weird when it came down to it, and I haven't thought about trying again ever since.
I told her I was having a hard time finding women who were okay with me being married, blah blah blah and she said "Well, I could take you out". I said "On a date date, or just as friends?" and she said "A date..maybe more than one"
I pretty much lost my mind then. I had been hoping for years to develop a relationship with a woman that was friendship first, not immediately intimate.
A couple days later, I was asking her (again, online) where she thought we should go on our date and she essentially said she had changed her mind. (I didn't save that conversation. Go figure.)
I was devastated. And my poor husband, in the background probably thinking "Uh, what about me? I'm right here" tried to support and comfort me as best he could because he knew how much I liked this woman not just as a potential date but as a person.
Of course things fell apart from there; it was incredibly awkward when we'd show up at the same playdates, and we tried to hang out a couple times just us as friends, but it was too weird. The last time we talked, she was going to "pencil me in" for a playdate with our kids and I never heard from her again.
Up until recently I still had her on facebook. I just never got around to removing her and I never saw her posts so it didn't occur to me to remove her until a few days ago. Just now, all I was doing was looking for my word processing program on my computer so I could jot some things down and I found the saved file of our conversation. I'm kind of glad I saved it. It's kind of like a blow to my heart though, all over again. I remember the intense feelings I had for her, the elation when she said she'd take me out on a date! and the devastation when she told me she'd changed her mind.
Oh well. I spend too much time thinking about past relationships and probably not enough time thinking about my current relationship. I guess I just miss the excitement, the strong feelings. Everything just feels so blah now.
no subject
Date: 2013-02-16 05:56 pm (UTC)I'm not sure the best ways to add zip to current relationships myself, or I'd give you advice...
no subject
Date: 2013-02-16 07:53 pm (UTC)It's okay, we all muddle through, right? LOL