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[becomingkate]

 So confused...last night my MIL called in a huff at 9:30:  "I wouldn't call so late but you guys never called me to tell me what time to pick up your son."  My husband told me that she was supposed to call us.  So then she goes, well I'll come get him around 11:30 tomorrow and bring him back around dinner.  Which was weird because we thought she was keeping him overnight, but whatever.  So she came today (and I had to keep telling my son to wait, not to eat lunch, we can't watch a movie, because I didn't want to be in the middle of something when she came) and she says "So I'll probably drop him off around 10 tomorrow because I'm going to the beach later".  Okay so now the overnight plan is back on? Yay!

Unfortunately my husband doesn't love going out to dinner and we've been going out a lot so I think he's sick of everything.  Me, I could be one of those people who never uses her kitchen.

I feel completely stressed to the max.  Things are a teeny bit better with Josh because he told me something the other day that sort of helps me understand why he's so defiant.  He likes to play a game in his head when we have a disagreement.  He says he gets points whenever he challenges me.  So I need to figure out how to turn that around.  I started talking to my mommy friends online again.  I hate it but I need them.  I don't so much like them as I just...need them.  Now you guys, I like you guys.  

But things with my husband are just...strained.  I feel like there's a huge communication gap.  Last night he was on World of Warcraft.  I watched this week's Dexter, had a couple drinks and snacks and came to the computer.  Around 11 my husband was apparently done and he was like well, see you upstairs and he proceeded to turn off all the lights other than the office and go upstairs.  He didn't give me like a 5 minute warning to wrap it up.  I walked in with a bowl of popcorn 5 minutes before he was done.  I felt abandoned and not cared about and I cried my drunk ass to sleep.  I drank too much.  It's a problem, this drinking alone thing.  It probably colored the whole fallout a little uglier than it actually was, but maybe not.  My heart just hurts.  I wanted someone who'd care for me.  Not just about me but for me.  Like help my drunk self up the stairs if I need it, hang around for a second at least while I clean up my dishes and turn off my computer.  At the very least, leave a light on for me.

It's like, he's good at kind gestures on a bigger scale. He buys us tickets to events, never forgets our anniversary or Valentines Day or my birthday, goes crazy at Christmas time, buying things beyond our means.  But he sucks at the daily acts of kindness, or even consideration, which puts a certain feeling of obligation on the holidays and special occasions.  I don't understand it.

Comments

[seventhbard]

He likes to play a game in his head when we have a disagreement. He says he gets points whenever he challenges me. So I need to figure out how to turn that around.

No, YOU don't need to do anything about HIS behavior. HE needs to grow up and stop being a dick who thinks the right way to treat the woman he promised to love and partner with forever in front of witnesses is fucking making a game of stressing her and hurting her feelings, "scoring points" in debate with her instead of communicating effectively, gosh, like how you need to do to have a freaking adult relationship and a fucking kid together. That disgusts me. I'm sure he's got loads of sterling qualities hun because it's not like we get with them when they are 100% pure Douche but DAMN that bristles everything. I don't know enough about him or your interactions to say that I think he's abusive, but he sure as fuck is walking the line there.

He buys us tickets to events, never forgets our anniversary or Valentines Day or my birthday, goes crazy at Christmas time, buying things beyond our means.

Buying beyond means is irresponsible and creates more stress, not to mention feelings of obligation about Big Days(tm). And considering his lack of sensitivity and consideration otherwise, I wonder if it's more guilt than care.

Sweetheart Kate, you are so awesome and wonderful just the way you are and I love you. I know you're having a hard time and you're worried about your drinking but it's not the problem, it's something you're doing to cope with the problem. The problem is that you have an insensitive husband who doesn't care enough to sort his own behavior out, the primary responsibility for an active child without adequate emotional support or friends who are actual true friends and also can commiserate with you and help/advise/etc. re: children, you maybe/probably have Depression, and you feel isolated, lonely, and stretched beyond your limits. Fuck girl, I would drink and cry too. ETA that I know it's still A problem/worry, in that it's not a super healthy coping mechanism, but just, recognize this isn't that you're some weak drunkard who zomg just can't control yourself and will be a wino addict under a bridge tomorrow-- you do this because Reasons and Sads. Self-medicating makes you feel worse in the long run but in the heat of the moment when you know it's gonna feel a little better Right Now that's kind of hard to ignore/ pass up yeah?

I am wishing to the end of everything that somehow this is able to turn around for you. I'd like to give your hubs a smack with a wet fish. He's not pulling his weight on the emotional end of things.

[becomingkate]

That first bit you quoted was about my son, not my husband :P I was like wait a minute...is she calling my son a dick? ROFL

Thanks for your thoughts on the rest of it :)

[seventhbard]

OH, I totally misread it. DAMN that's a relief.

Oy, childrunz. Why oh why. I don't know enough about child development to puzzle that one out, I just know that I hate it when they carry that into adulthood (*I* dated a screwball who did shit like that, because we all know about my terrible track record with the dudes). It's the one thing I feel like I'm all but obligated to be useful with, Dude Advice, because even though I have a tendency to be uhm, shall we say cautious?, I have made every frikkin mistake there is to make so I have Learned Some Things. :P Don't be like me, women of the world! So don't! XD

I am so glad things aren't as bad as that! LOL *big hugs* Seriously, you've no idea.

[becomingkate]

That's what I'm afraid of, that he's going to grow up and still be controlling and defiant and basically, an asshole. LOL I mean yes it's okay when they're young immature kids but my efforts to help him grow out of it have been futile so far and I'm so scared that he's not going to be a nice person when he grows up. Which happens...but shouldn't.