becomingkate

I've just been in a funk lately. Not only do I not feel 100% after surgery yet, I just feel in a funk. I realized I don't have a lot of consistent emotional support. Heather has been MIA. We talk like once every couple weeks now. I don't think it's just because she's busy. I really think something about her visit really set her off. I didn't entertain her enough or whatever. I don't know. So I can't really rely on her anymore. She completely missed when I had my surgery and didn't ask about it until a couple days ago. It was an afterthought really. She went on and on about her life, her cousin who forgot to pick her up for an appointment and then asked how are things with you? I don't think she even remembered the surgery. My family rarely talks to me. I realized I worked a lot more to consider them then they do for me so I backed off. I'm tired of giving more than I get.

With my son and husband I just feel like they are both a negative energy. My husband asks what I want to do when we're all home and it's like, it doesn't matter because wherever we go they're both going to be a couple of wet blankets. I've told both of them to think before they speak and not have to utter every negative thought that goes through their heads. I try not to do that. But they have no filter.

So, I just feel very isolated and depressed and held back and I think I need to at least see if being on my own helps. Yes there will be some things that suck about it. But I just have to see if it's better. If it's just me or if the negativity of others really does affect me that much. Because I honestly don't look forward to anything involving either of them anymore. And I know I can't leave completely. I still think we should be somewhat of a co-effort, but I just don't want to be around for all of it anymore. They can go be negative and sarcastic by themselves once in a while. I can't stand it. The fun part is going to be explaining this to them.

I feel like I have given up a lot. My base requirements are, be good with animals and children. I thought he was/would be. He always had cats and dogs growing up but now he kind of treats them like crap. And he's not much better with kids.He's very conservative, and ignorant about some of his views. I mean yes there are times where I'm like the most basic white girl and I have to cringe at myself. But he doesn't seem to want to educate himself. I wanted to live a more cultured life-enjoy different foods, go to museums, shows, other exhibits...instead we all sit around looking at a various screen. I hoped he would end up a little less ignorant than his parents and he did. But I still feel he has a long way to go and we are very mismatched in the things we advocate for. I don't feel like I, as someone who wants to be a member of the mental health awareness effort, can stay with someone who is basically part of the problem and doesn't seem to want to change that. I feel like he never bothered to invest in our son's life, learn how to teach him best. He just went with the default which was to exert power and control.

But I feel like if I say all this, I won't be able to take it back. I feel like we will still have to co-parent, and I don't want what happened to my mom and dad to happen to us, where they stayed in touch until I was 18 and then never spoke to each other again. I feel like we could get along okay as friends and parents who don't constantly have to team up and agree. If we were in separate places we could each have our own rules and standards where that gets confusing when you live together. Like I could finally say you can't play video games at mom's house. LOL. Go outside. (Honestly, I wish we'd never introduced video games, but it was unavoidable given that his father can't live without them.)

So, I feel I need to be tactful and choose my words carefully, which isn't something I'm good at.

Crossposts: https://becomingkate.livejournal.com/271123.html

Wow, it's been a while! It's unbelievable how little time I have now. I have like 5 things due every week just for astronomy. I don't remember how much I've updated about that, but I did really well on the first test, and then I failed the second one. I've missed a couple online quizzes and I'm struggling with a couple of the sky labs. So I really don't have a good idea of what kind of grade I'll end up with. I'd be happy with a C. Well not happy, but fine. My tutor had a family emergency and wasn't around last week so I might have to contact the professor and see who else he knows who might be able to help.

So Joey (of NKOTB) has a new podcast out. The first episode was fun, and short, and was basically an intro. The new ep came out and his wife is on it. So it's like...being the third wheel on a date with him and his wife. LOL. The concept of the podcast is about moving, and how moving, either as a kid or even later in life, really changes your life. It's interesting, but I'm not really focusing on this one. It's not structured. And it's kind of driving me crazy that his wife is totally chatty and down to earth and well, likeable. Ha ha. They just keep talking over each other, and I wish it were more like, let the guest talk. Even if it is your wife. LOL.

Okay so they got to an emotional part and now I feel bad for knocking it. Part of the premise is that Joey and his family are moving back to the East Coast! Sadly not Boston, but New York. But that is exciting because maybe he'll be in Boston more.

Anyway, I have been pulling A's in my other 3 classes. I get worried with my online class because you don't get to go in and see a person who will remind you what's coming up. I can't believe I wanted to talk all my classes online before. It would be a nightmare. I just pictured it being more structured, like your assignments would open on a certain day and you'd have to watch a recorded lecture twice a week or something, but it's much more self-led.

Halloween went well. Of course our son was nervous about his costume because he always feels like people won't know what it is. He was a character from a game called Five Nights at Freddy's. He went ToTing with a friend and had a good time.

We have an appt. set up to take him to a therapist. He was resisting the idea, but I really think he needs someone (particularly a trusted male adult) who he can talk to outside of school. A couple things have kind of been working as far as his behavior at home, but there is a lot of ongoing stuff that someone needs to stay on top of. The school is helping us, but they can only do so much.

Things are still rough with my husband. It just seems like he is not invested in this family life and he always says things like "Let's do things as a family!" But those things are like, going to Home Depot. Or dragging our son along to something he doesn't want to do just for the sake of doing things as a family. It doesn't make sense to me. Like my son and I were home alone on Sunday and there was this trail walk thing going on at his school which I thought he would like because he could show me the woods and maybe run into a couple friends. But he told me he didn't want to go if I was going because he was afraid I'd get tired on the walk. I mean I guess he had good intentions but it hurt my feelings. He wanted to invite himself along with someone else's family, LOL. I hate that practice. So we didn't end up going. And my husband said he would have just made our son go. What fun would that be? I wanted to go with him if he wanted to go, not if I had to make him go. It just didn't make sense to me.

Crossposts: https://becomingkate.livejournal.com/264692.html

I went to my cousin's baby shower yesterday. It was fun! Everything went wrong on my way up, but ended up fine. First of all I went looking for those big bags that keep things hot or cold. I went to Target and couldn't find any. So I bought some bags of ice and just planned to put them around the food in my trunk and cover it all with a blanket. I went to pick up the food platters I ordered at the restaurant/market I last worked at, which is a challenge for me to even walk into because of the memories and circumstances that led me to quit there (it was all timed around the era of J). I am still embarrassed about how I left that place. Thankfully nobody recognized me, and if they did they didn't say anything. I spoke to both the FOH and BOH manager.

So what happened was, they lost my order. They put it in the wrong week of orders. So they had to make the charcuterie and dessert trays on the fly. I sat and waiting and the man sitting next to me tried to make conversation. So already I was practically tapped out for social interactions and I hadn't even gotten to the party.

The platters came out beautifully and everyone raved. They make their own meats and desserts, and have an excellent variety of cheeses. But I was running late already and that set me back about half an hour. Then I got stuck in traffic. I got there around noon when I really wanted to get there at like 10:30. But everything went fine after that.

At social events, I wish I had an assistant (preferably Emily Blunt from The Devil Wears Prada, sans cold) who would whisper in my ear when people approach. "That is so and so, she is so and so's wife." That would be brilliant. Because I hate standing next to people, making conversation and then finding out who they are and wishing I had said something else. I mean, I also wish people had the courtesy, if it's been years since I've seen them, to come up and say, "Kate! I don't know if you remember me, I'm..." and reintroduce themselves. Because yes, it is easy for them to remember me since they have known me since I was little, and knew my mom, and watched me grow up. They are not as significant to me. I feel like I would hurt their feelings if I said I'm sorry, I don't remember who you are.

I am just relieved I at least recognized mom's hairdresser (a close friend of the family) and was able to thank her for doing mom's hair during her illness. That meant a lot to my mom.

It just sucks living a couple hours away from that part of the family. It's a pain to come up, it's a pain to get back, I'm out of the loop most of the time.

In other news, I just remembered that I had a dream about an ex boyfriend a couple nights ago. It was funny because I was talking with my husband and I don't know how it came up but the decision to marry him came around and I said something like "Well, it was you or Z." And my husband laughed.

It really did come down to the two of them. When I met my husband, I had already been dating Z for a while. I guess I had known Z for about a year. When it got more serious with my husband, I was making pro/con lists like it was my job. And I went with my head. It was more practical to exclusively date my husband. Z was more of a free spirit and I wasn't sure what kind of future he would hold. Although my husband also got off to a rocky start with jobs, I could tell he was more sensible and responsible than Z. However I know from facebook stalking (don't judge me) that Z is more into the issues that I stand for than my husband is. Mental health, equal rights, etc.

So anyway I dreamed that I ran into Z somewhere and I said to him, "I was just talking about you the other day!" LOL.

Oh yes, I forgot. I'd had a couple drinks one night and I made my journal public. I think my LJ journal is still friends locked, though.

Crossposts: http://becomingkate.livejournal.com/261156.html

People are like, "It's national drink wine day! I'm having some wine tonight!" and I'm all like "...I needed a national holiday as an excuse to drink wine?"

My son got Coraline out of the library today and I didn't bother to crack it open until we were checking out and we realized it was a graphic novel version. Not bad, but I would have preferred the actual book. He's in the other room with his nose in it right now and he's almost done. Kid reads more than I do.

I picked up a non-fiction book about the decline of violence over the ages and my husband is going to read it too, and we'll talk about it, so maybe we'll have something to talk about for once. The author, Steven Pinker, sounds really interesting and since I'm into psychology I might like his other books too. This one is 800 pages long, yikes.

Gotta go, he finished Coraline and wants to play.

Crossposts: http://becomingkate.livejournal.com/113370.html

So I got the link to the background check site and got that filled out and turned in.

I let the cat out of her crate and she promptly threw up on the office floor. She hasn't thrown up at all since we started the new food and we're weaning her into it slowly and everything. However, she did have a solid poop today, so yay! I just hope she doesn't start throwing up instead...

My cousin apologized for putting up stuff about my mom on facebook and she said she took it down. I didn't think she had to do that, since anyone who was going to see it probably already did. But I think she is more aware that not everyone knows what's going on yet and she didn't even say that mom told her it was an invasive cancer, so I'm not sure how she came to that conclusion.

Crossposts: http://becomingkate.livejournal.com/108173.html

Yay, I passed the crisis intervention interview!

It's not like I was sitting there clicking refresh in my e mail...okay, maybe I was checking it very frequently. I got the e mail and paid for the background check and already sent it back in, so now I just need to get the info to go fill out the form for the background check, and they do it, and I start training :D

I sent a quick facebook message to my cousin who was talking about my mom's cancer on facebook and asked her to please be careful what she posts, because I had heard no such thing about an invasive cancer and that my mother is probably telling people as she feels comfortable. I can understand why mom would tell her sister something, especially since her sister is a retired nurse. But then I don't get why Robyn went and said something. All because she was asking for prayers. My mom isn't even religious, LOL.

Crossposts: http://becomingkate.livejournal.com/107878.html

Well, I asked the supervisor a couple follow up questions in an e mail and she answered them today, but didn't let me know if I passed the interview. I think I can kind of assume I did, or she's a brat for answering my questions and then tomorrow being like "Oh btw you failed." LOL. But I'm still waiting for something more official.

There is a lot more junk going on in my life that I've been avoiding talking about because my dad has ongoing shoulder problems, and my husband saw spots in front of his eyes the other day and was jumbling his words all up, but that happens on a normal day (the jumbling words) so we don't know what exactly happened because he was at work and didn't go to the ER or anything.

My mother told me she found out she has cancer BUT she doesn't know what type or where or how bad it is, and she didn't even really want to talk to me when I called her the day of her PET scan just to see how she was feeling. Then my mom's niece (on my mother's side) posted that my mom has some type of rare invasive disease, but my mother told me no such thing, so is her niece making shit up or did my mom tell her sister something she didn't tell me? My mom's sister is a nurse so I wouldn't be surprised at all if my mom divulged details that she wasn't ready to tell me yet, but it's really not cool for her niece to spill stuff on the internet. I feel it's my mom's responsibility (and right) to let people know as she feels comfortable.

Then my dad asked me if my mom told me not to tell him about the cancer, because he found out through his sister. (she didn't ask me not to tell him, for the record.) Oh, why can't people keep their mouths shut? I mean, if my mom wanted my dad to know (they haven't spoken in years, as far as I know), she can tell him, right? She can ask me for his phone number or e mail address and tell him herself.

Now I don't even know if my mom knows that my dad knows, and my mom probably doesn't even know that her niece said that about invasive cancer on facebook, because my mom never goes on facebook. So I'm keeping my mouth shut. I feel it's the best thing to do, right?

My family is not usually gossipy and dramatic. I don't even have a tag for drama, that's how drama free my life usually is.

I got an e mail on the day my dad and stepmom were supposed to leave for Cancun (they travel often) and it said that my stepmom was having bad back pain and spasms so they cancelled the trip.

My cat is sick. I mentioned that in the last entry. We have her in the dog crate and she poops and pees on puppy pads and we change them. She's still eating and drinking but she's shockingly skinny. It's scary, really. I gave her a bath today and it was just...well, shocking and scary are the best words. But the good news is she only pooped once today and I let her out of the crate for a while and she didn't poop on the floor.

Crossposts: http://becomingkate.livejournal.com/107532.html

My cousin is getting married in August. He's getting married in Maine, at a place that is probably about 6 hours from where we live (and 4 hours for his immediate family, so it's not like it's convenient for anyone. I'm not sure where his fiancee's family is from, but I don't think it's Maine.) And I know that weddings aren't supposed to be convenient, but when we got married we didn't get married in the middle of Bumfuck, Nowhere.

Anyway, his fiancee has been sending out e mails with info on reserving a hotel room, and inviting people to stay up there for days before the wedding. The hotel they're getting married at, where she booked rooms for us? $200 a night.

She hadn't mentioned what time the wedding is, so I asked her, so we could see if we could come back home that day or if we'd have to stay the night. The wedding starts at 4. Ends at? 11.

I'm confused. She knows that our son is coming, who will be almost 8 by the time August rolls around. What are we supposed to do with him when he wants to go to bed at 9, at the latest? One of us go back to the room with him while the other hangs out at the wedding alone? Both of us ditch the wedding and go to bed? What the hell are we doing at a 7 hour wedding, anyway? God...I hope nobody expects us to dance.

I mean, I guess she expects the people with kids to turn in early. She's a first grade teacher (so she gets along great with my son)-it's not like she's clueless about kids and tired parents and such. I'm just dreading bringing this up to my husband because he doesn't have many days off left since we were so sick in December and he's going to be annoyed about the 6 hour drive to Maine and having to stay overnight and do social things and stuff. Sigh.

Crossposts: http://becomingkate.livejournal.com/105814.html

Still falling apart. I am the only one who is really sick now, although Josh still has a slight cold and my husband hasn't been getting enough sleep (because I've been sleeping in and he gets up with Josh).

On top of that, I burned my fingertips when I touched a hot pan and now my skin is peeling and I can't leave it alone.

We bought some new bath towels and drinking glasses today and that was nice, I enjoy buying new stuff.

I've lost my patience with my son so much lately. He just seems like he's completely oblivious to any type of etiquette or common sense. He demands things and doesn't appreciate them when he gets them. He begged and begged for Minecraft, we (well, Santa) got it for him and he's played it like, twice. He expects perfection from everyone and everything and becomes irrational when he doesn't get it. He still interrupts, doesn't use his manners, sometimes he doesn't speak when spoken to...and then he goes to his therapist and pretends everything's fine. "We haven't fought lately" he says, even if we just had a huge meltdown that morning. I let him go in to talk to her alone, because I want him to feel free to talk without me sitting right there, but I think I still need to go in there more often. But when I do, it seems like we don't make any progress and I'm not sure if talking at him about manners and behavior is helping.

I hate the kind of mother I have to be with him. I hate that I can't be gentle and let him lead the way because with him, if you give him an inch, he takes a mile. I've had to become a lot more controlling than I want to be. I didn't want to have to be so firm but he is too headstrong.

Crossposts: http://becomingkate.livejournal.com/103834.html

Waiting to go shopping with my son, but he just got back from my in-laws and he got a bunch of presents! He already got birthday presents and now he has more. Not sure how he's supposed to be excited about special occasions when he gets presents all the time from them and in turn expects me to buy him stuff every day! I was trying to tell him a couple days ago that his birthday and Christmas are just over a month apart and he should wait until Christmas to get new things, and now I just look like the bad guy because his grandmother buys him armloads of presents. Which is nice and I guess they are supposed to spoil him, but please!
How much do we want to bet that he'll be asking me to buy him something today?

Update: He did indeed ask me, before we even left the house, if he could get something at the mall. But here's where he won points: He said "I'll use my own money."

So then he kept picking things that cost more than he had! Even with the sales. And they were all like, awesome Christmas ideas. He finally picked out an ornament at Hallmark that ended up being too much, so I bought it. Then we went to Walgreens (Did I mention I have my period and needed pads? It's a miracle I haven't killed anyone yet) and he found those Stompeez or whatever they're called that are slippers whose mouths open as you walk around. That was too much also, but I let him spend all his money and I covered the rest. I wish he could have just let it go. It was like he was buying something for the sake of buying something. Well, at least now I don't have to buy him slippers for Christmas.

Does anyone know where I can find a boys bathrobe?

Crossposts: http://becomingkate.livejournal.com/100736.html

My husband says we can go to Boston, if the weather holds up and he's not stuck at work and all that. It's also going to be on TV, so what I'm hoping is that Joey will perform first and then we can just kind of take off and I can watch the rest on tv later.

Today I'm taking my son to the mall so he can pick out something for my husband and I also want to swing by Old Navy and the calendar store.

My son spent the night at my in-laws. I woke up at 7:30, which is only half an hour later than my son wakes me up, but I feel so much more incredibly rested because I was able to wake up on my own instead of having someone dragging me out of bed. LOL

My husband asked me to write down all my clothing and rings sizes, which should be interesting. I don't like it when people buy clothes for me, unless it's something that's pretty hard to fuck up, like pajamas. And he never buys me jewelry anymore because I don't wear much, so I have no idea what he's planning.

OH! Also, I finished season one of The Walking Dead game. It. is. awesome. I was crying my eyes out at the end, even worse than the bit when I had to kill off the kid. I thought the 400 Days episode was out already, so I was all geared up to play that, and it's not out yet! Arg!

I downloaded a game off Steam for only $5 called Gone Home. The story is, you play a college girl who has just come home from a year abroad and finds her family's house abandoned. You have to walk through the house and look at everything and gather clues about what happened. It's starting to creep me out because literally nothing happens-you are just walking through this empty, huge house during a thunderstorm and it's all dark and weird. I like it a lot though.

Crossposts: http://becomingkate.livejournal.com/100572.html

I give up on humanity. The girl who was supposed to sleep over last night never showed up. My son was heartbroken and cried himself to sleep. He had set up decorations for her and even wrapped a picture of himself for her. He was excited to play games with her and have cake and ice cream together. And she never showed, never answered her home phone and didn't call yet today. So I guess they took off for a nice weekend and forgot about us? Who knows. We'll try to call her again today, or find out what happened tomorrow, assuming everything is okay and she's at school.

So my husband and I had a couple drinks and watched the Doctor Who special, which was pretty good--I rarely can follow the plot of that show but love the emotions that run through it and the nods to previous Doctors were great.

Later on when we went to bed we had a huge fight that has been brewing inside me for some time now but must have seemed out of the blue to my husband. Tipsy fighting is never fun but I don't regret or take back anything I said. I meant it all, but he probably thinks I don't. I hope he does want to talk about it later because I don't think this is ever going to get better and we need to come to some decision. I can tell when he's trying to avoid talking about something. He gets overly cheerful, helpful and jokey like that will make me think everything is actually okay. That used to work, actually. During some of our roughest patches he would act like that and I would think, oh good, this will blow over and we'll get better. But now I see that won't happen.

He laughed at me when I was going through the things I do around the house for him. I know that what I do is a drop in the bucket to people who are fastidious cleaners and need everything just so, but we are real people with a real child and we do not live in a museum. Things are cluttered at best but nothing is filthy, I don't leave food sitting out, I clean the cat box regularly and I pointed out that I managed to finish all the laundry in one day last week and didn't even get a thank you. He says it's because it would just be normal to him to you know, do the laundry. But for me it's big because I can't carry much because of my back, and I'm terrified of going down stairs when I can't see my feet (I am prone to poor balance and falling) so I have to carry the laundry down load by load, wrapped in a towel so I can carry it and see my feet. It sounds ridiculous but it isn't easy. Then there was the day I actually did hurt my back raking leaves, because he asked me to try to get to it while he was at work, and I still went out and tried to rake some more the next day and stopped because it still hurt. He thanked me for the first day, but on the second attempt he said "Oh, you didn't get to rake leaves?" because they had blown around and made it look like I didn't rake any, and when I told him I had indeed done some he laughed and said "it's never enough", which is true, but I did try, so how about a thank you?

I told him it seems like he thinks he gets a free pass out of everything because OMG he works for a living. But he's a cable guy, and I've seen the idiots he works with. It's not hard. Physically demanding maybe, but he's in good shape. He doesn't get to come home and zone out and whine about doing some dishes or cleaning up clutter, and he doesn't get to ignore our son or blow him off when he's trying to share something or just wants to be with his dad.

I cook every meal, I make sure the house is presentable, I sit down with Josh and go over his homework, make sure he's got snacks, food he likes and clothes and things to do. And I get it that my husband working makes it possible for all that to happen but that's not where the responsibility ends. I want him to be a productive member of the family, not just the work force. I just don't see our personalities meshing at all. He's spacey, doesn't sit down and look Josh in the eye when they're talking, can't do a thing without sighing about it or saying "Wouldn't you rather __________ instead?" And he doesn't realize how it breaks my heart and he doesn't realize that while I'm suffering, it would not necessarily be better or easier without him. Sometimes, even though I know it has its own struggles, my husband coming home at the end of the day is a welcome change of pace, especially on Saturdays, and I expect to be somewhat relieved of my post, so to speak. I'm still present, but when there's another person home, I expect them to interact as well, not come home and think "This is MY break, you've been watching tv all day." When I haven't.

It's the same shit I've been telling him for years and he's still convinced that "we" or even "I" need to work on it. What do I need to work on? Cleaning? I know he had terrible parental role models. It doesn't mean he has an excuse to not be a good, thoughtful, warm person.

We just have nothing in common anymore. He claims I changed, I claim that I grew up. Playing Everquest all day was fun for a while, but I'm done now and I'd like to have a real, adult relationship now. I respect couples who game together, or even couples where one games and the other doesn't, as long as they're mature and responsible about it and actually connect on a personal level. I envy that, actually. I would rather have that instead of my husband who thinks everything could be fixed if I'd only come play WoW with him again. He's a competitive player. I am casual. It would never work out, and it didn't in the past, either. That's one reason why I stopped.

He knows I'm still mad at him. He dropped me off at home after lunch so they could go to the inlaws to watch football and he kind of moved towards me to kiss me goodbye and I just walked off.

Kind of hoping that since my son missed out on his sleepover, MIL will take pity on him and let him stay over, although that's unlikely because it's a school night.

Crossposts: http://becomingkate.livejournal.com/99483.html

I went to Petco this morning and saw something that reminded me of my rant yesterday. There were two iced coffee cups on one of the shelves. (Yes, you might be from New England if it's 34 degrees out and you're drinking iced coffee. One of the employees admonished her coworker for not wearing a coat, but said nothing about the iced coffee she was bringing in.)

Thing is, the store had just opened. So either the employees left the coffee there, or they didn't clean it up from a previous day.

I wanted to find some canned grain free food because I read that is good for cats who are prone to diarrhea, as my cat is. She's old and crotchety and poops everywhere. Gotta love cats! I did not find any canned food except in individual cans (I was hoping to find something in bulk) and even then I couldn't find any that was grain free so I picked a dry food that said grain free and added some water to it (along with a scoop of her old food, to ease her into it).

I figure, I know she's probably nearing the end of her life, but that doesn't mean I'm gonna grab a few cans of Fancy Feast and call it a day. I gave her a can of tuna yesterday and she gobbled it up. We've tried so many kinds of food, I don't even know. It wouldn't be so bad if she didn't poop on the floor. My husband thinks it's psychological, but that doesn't explain the diarrhea, and the vet didn't find anything wrong either. Puddles of poop are not fun.

I talked to some other moms I know online and got a lot of feedback that not many kids go to birthday parties. (yes, I'm still hung up on this birthday thing) I find this kind of sad, but at least now I know I should invite more of the family. I found out through my mom that my aunt was kind of hurt that we didn't invite her and her family to the party. She called on his birthday and I explained to her that we just had a couple kids over from his class. I honestly didn't think extended family cared to go to kids' birthday parties. My bad!

It's awkward because my parents are divorced. My dad and stepmom were on vacation on Josh's birthday this year, so I didn't have to worry about inviting them, but most years, it's a struggle with the holidays especially since I have in-laws, too. Before we had Josh we used to go to three different homes on Christmas (none of them particularly close together, either). Now we pick and choose. My dad and stepmom like to get together a couple weeks before Christmas at a Chinese restaurant in my old hometown because there is good shopping there. The restaurant isn't very good anymore, but it's tradition, and they seem to like it, so I don't say anything. It's nice to see them before the craziness of Christmas day and then on Christmas we usually go to my mom's brother's house and hang out with his family which is a lot of fun and I always drink too much wine and get a little sentimental. So does everyone else, though, so it's all good.

So anyway, back to my point. My parents basically haven't talked since I turned 18 (they got divorced when I was 16) and my mother, after all this time is still bitter towards my dad so I never really want to invite them to the same thing if I can help it. At the same time, I know they both love Josh (and so do their SO's) and want to see him on his special day. So it's hard. Then, nobody really likes my MIL, either, and she smokes which my mother is really sensitive to, so they can't be at the same place at the same time either. LOL. It's like a crazy algebraic word problem. "If Jackie and Sherry can't be together but Jackie and Ross can, however nobody really likes Jackie anyway and Kate just wants everyone to be happy...who can see each other on what day?"

Crossposts: http://becomingkate.livejournal.com/97681.html

It's cold and I need things at Target but I don't want to go outside! LOL

I'm still really concerned about Josh's social life. It worries me that nobody ever asks for his phone number. Are these kids hanging out with other friends or are they really too young to be going over to other houses all the time? I don't really remember being 5, 6, 7. I guess if you don't live near your friends you don't really have time to go over. Most people have more than one kid, and do things on the weekend. Josh is already asking to have sleepovers with his friends and he's confused when I tell him the parents said they don't do sleepovers yet.

I hate to drone on about my son. I bore myself, sometimes. I just...worry. Like I said, this is what parents do. Even when everything is probably fine, it's our job to worry.

So my husband's grandparents are not doing well. Because his grandparents and parents both had their kids young, his grandparents are only in their 70's. Only 10 years or so older than my parents, which is weird to think about. But anyway, his grandparents have not been speaking to us for a long time. There is a rift between his grandparents and his parents so we have been speaking to his parents and not his grandparents. It's weird and a very long story. Anyway, for some reason his grandmother decided to finally call and tell us she and her husband have been in nursing homes for about a month. And then they tried to send his grandfather home, but he is frail and not all there mentally and couldn't get by in the house alone so he went back to a different nursing home. The place his grandmother is in is more like a hospital, because she had shoulder surgery, so that's why they are in different places, but now his grandfather wants to be in the same place as his wife (after initially vehemently disagreeing with this idea, which is weird, but whatever), so they are trying to get him into the place his grandmother is in.

This is a first for both me and my husband: I was too young to have anything to do with it when my grandparents were ailing. The only grandparent I really remember is my dad's mom, and I also remember her mom a bit, and I don't think either of them went into a home. My husband of course has not dealt with elderly relatives, either, since we don't talk to his father's side.

So I guess we are trying to be advocates for them, which was hard when they wanted different things, but now I hope that since they want to be in the same place, that we can help make that happen.

In other news, my son told me last night that he prays. My husband and I are not very religious--well, my husband isn't at all--although he used to practice Wicca he claims he doesn't believe in the whole god/goddess thing anymore and I've been dabbling in Wicca recently, so I wouldn't say I'm religious in the traditional way either. Anyway, when I was asking my son if he wanted to talk about anything at bedtime, he said "I want to talk about God." He pulled out a little bag of polished stones that his therapist gave him (to help with anger management) and put them in a circle on his pillow. "I make a circle with these and then I pray," he said. I asked him what he prays for. Does he ask for things or thank God for things, or what? He said, "I just say to God, I hope you're doing well and that you stay alive." (He believes God is a living thing.)

I have friends who are non-religious to varying degrees and they always say they have to stifle themselves if their kids start talking about God. I don't react this way. I think it's wonderful that he has come up with his own beliefs and his own ritual. I think that is much more wonderful than me teaching him something, and him just following it because that's what he was taught.

My son made me think about infinity last night. He said, "There has to be a god, because who made science? Before anything existed, who made it? Who made dust?" And I kept trying to think about how to explain that the universe (in one form or another) has always been here, but how do you explain forever to a 6 year old who doesn't quite understand the concept?

My head hurts.

Crossposts: http://becomingkate.livejournal.com/96328.html

My son got his white-yellow belt from karate on Friday. We went to the graduation ceremony for all the kids who were getting new belts. It was fun and really great to see him up there with no stage fright, doing a great job. I remind him that the majority of people are afraid of going on stage in front of a bunch of people and performing, or even speaking. He did great.

I've been trying this "marriage is not for you" mindset and it really seems to help and it also has helped me notice the things my husband does for me. The idea is that you don't go into marriage for yourself-it's to make your partner, and children, if you have them, happy. Of course it is flawed, because if the people in the family with you don't see it the same way, you're going to be unhappy pretty quick. But I do realize that my husband does a lot so I don't have to. So I try to do the same. Sure, I'd love to sit on my ass and watch tv all day while he works, but last week I raked some leaves for him, I cook his food and do laundry when I think of it, I try to get to things that I know he wants to do, if he's not finding the time to do them. And in return, he does a lot of cleaning, and does his best with our son (he can be very trying, as you've seen me describe). Yeah sure, sometimes he (my husband) needs to grow the fuck up and he's a jerk sometimes but hey, so am I. There are days when I don't do a damn thing and I blow up at my husband for something that isn't really his fault or I say something totally hypocritical.

I believe if you put out effort and love, you get it back. If you go into something thinking, what's in it for me? you're less likely to find the answer. If you go into something expecting to get hurt, you are more likely to get hurt because you give out that vulnerable vibe and you're more likely to be targeted.

I also know that shitty things happen for no reason. Even if you go into something expecting the best, it can still fall apart for no good reason. But if you see it as more of a fluke and not just more of the same normal shit that you deserve then I think you're more likely to bounce back and move on and not let it happen again.

Okay, I'm not entirely sure where that all came from. To be honest, the bomb threat really affected me. I was sitting by the window that day, waiting for my son's bus and I was thinking, what if this is it? What if this is the day our life changes--we lose our son or we find out he was hurt or that he saw something horrible happen and our lives change forever. It really scared me. Since that day I've tried to be more patient. Yeah, it's only been 4 days, but that's a long time for me to go without flipping my lid. I've just tried to appreciate more. It seems like fewer things matter. I'm extremely thankful that I seem to have learned this lesson without any major life changes. Some people don't get that chance.

Crossposts: http://becomingkate.livejournal.com/95928.html

So I was supposed to go to a Samhain ceremony on the 1st, but first, I messaged the friend (well, not really friend, but person I know who invited me to go to this)I was going with to firm up our plans and she was like "Oh! btw I can't find a sitter."

So my sad little brain immediately thinks, she completely forgot, she has no sitter because she didn't ask for one, she doesn't really want to go and she's wishing she'd never asked me. And I'm like, how the fuck do you wait until two days before the event to tell someone you essentially can't go? And if I hadn't asked her, when would she have told me?

So later on she was like oh, I forgot my daughter is going to a party, so I can go, but I can't go to the potluck. But then, it was my turn to let her down (and honestly I didn't even feel bad, because it was a legit excuse): My husband had just found out his grandmother is in the hospital and she put his grandfather in a nursing home. His family never talks to each other so he had no idea and apparently it's been like a month. So he drops everything to visit this grandmother who didn't even give enough shits to tell him she was in the hospital in the first place and that his grandfather was in a nursing home. THEN, my son got sick, so he couldn't go to the hospital with my husband so I stayed home with him while my husband went to the hospital.

The first thing I legit get invited to by someone other than family in, oh I don't know, YEARS, and I can't go.

Yeah I get that family is family, but when that family shits on you and only cares because you have their only grandson/great-grandson, it's not worth my time, IMO. Oh, and we all get to go to the hospital today and probably the nursing home too, because my son is better.

To top that off, I got my period. I want to shoot myself.

Crossposts: http://becomingkate.livejournal.com/94970.html

It was a peaceful day yesterday, my son's first day back to school. To be honest it was a bit boring. I used to have someone I chatted with a lot and we don't talk much anymore. So I bummed around mostly, did some stuff around the house, and went grocery shopping. Came home to find that they were closing our street at both ends. Drove around for a little bit trying to find an alternative route home but they were closing everything off. Great thing to do on the first day of school. Fortunately I found a place where they were letting people turn and I got home. When my husband got home in his work truck he stopped the truck, got out and moved a cone and let himself through. LOL Nice being a cable guy, if you need to get somewhere.

So when our son got home we asked him how his day was and he refused to answer. Not even simple things like "Is anyone you know in your class?" He screamed at us instead and got sent to his room. Cue me looking for boarding schools in the area. Just kidding. So later on when we called my mother, he talked to her and we had to listen in just to get an inkling of how his day was. Then when I put him to bed of course he wanted to talk a whole lot, and even came downstairs an hour later to say he wasn't sure if school was going to be good or bad yet. Well it was only his first day.

Today's pretty quiet too. I hope the road isn't closed again, because I have to take our remaining cat to the vet for her B12 shot.

I had a dream last night that our other cat was still alive. It was really weird, and then our cat who is still with us came onto the bed twice and woke me up. I didn't sleep very well. As soon as my alarm went off at 7, my son was bouncing around trying to talk to me. It takes me a bit to wake up and even comprehend what people are saying to me when I first wake up.

Well I'm going to have a little lunch before it's time to go to the vet.

Crossposts: http://becomingkate.livejournal.com/83087.html

School starts tomorrow, not a moment too soon. Maybe the shortened time together will make it easier, maybe he won't be cranky when he gets home from school, maybe when I have alone time again I'll see things in a clearer light. Maybe some of the school discipline will rub off on him and he won't say "no" or "but" or "too bad" so much to his parents, the two people in the world that he's supposed to respect. Yes, I would like him to respect his teachers, and his friends, and in the future, his bosses, coworkers, etc. But let's start small, yeah?

It's not like we never respected him, so I don't know where he gets it. Since the day he could point at a certain cup or type of juice or book or toy, we've given him choices and supported his decisions. And I think, sadly, that this is what makes him think he rules everything. Somehow, in the choosing of what color cup he wanted, or the food, or the book, he couldn't draw the line between things that he cannot choose. He cannot choose to disobey me at every turn and say "so what?" when I say I'd like him to pick up his legos. Maybe if we'd picked everything for him, he would have learned that we make the decisions here. He's never been good with varying situations. It's either yes or no. If one day he has soda then every day he remembers that day he had soda, and why can't he have it today? There's no negotiating. So I think that in giving him some choices, he was led to believe he could make ALL THE CHOICES.

Now I understand why people have more than one kid. So when they totally screw up the first one, they have another chance. Oops.

Crossposts: http://becomingkate.livejournal.com/82592.html

So my husband says "You know, they put out all these songs and things about how 'you're gonna miss this' [watching children grow up] but I think we're the kind of people who are gonna send him to college and then [he throws his hands up in the air] 'Wooo!' We'll already have our bags packed in the car for a two week vacation."

And he's right...I mean we love him and care for him but we certainly don't want more or even really feel the monumental change in our lives that one is taught that you're supposed to feel when your kids are born. The skies didn't open up and the heavens didn't sing and nothing really suddenly changed. Things just kind of shifted. I learned that repeating myself, the same things, daily, was to become my life. I learned that I was rarely going to wake up on my own anymore. I learned that my body would never get used to being rudely awoken, that I'd never be the kind of mom who likes to run around and play softball and help dig holes. I learned that it didn't really matter what I want anymore.

I don't like my neighbors and their kids :( The girl is 8 or so and the boy is 3, maybe...Josh sort of has a crush on the girl, I think, but she doesn't play with him much. The boy is just getting old enough to kind of hang out with Josh. But their parents don't watch them at all. The boy keeps throwing their balls over our fence and our dog gets them and chews them up (leaving foam all over our yard). Their yard is not fenced in so the kids just roam around the neighborhood and I'm not really ready to let Josh go do that. We were trying to eat lunch on the porch and the boy kept calling "Joshuer! Are you done yet?" It got so bad we went back inside. I just wish people would keep an eye on their kids, you know? How am I supposed to teach Josh about privacy if the neighbors don't teach their kids not to climb up on the fence and yell at us while we're eating? The parents never speak to me. They don't invite Josh over, so we don't invite them over. I followed their dog because she walked out of their yard and down the street and the boy was panicking thinking the dog was running away so I followed it and led her back-she had no collar so I couldn't even put our leash on her. The husband came up and put her collar and leash on and walked off without a word.

The other kid in the neighborhood is never outside. I think he may have some kind of developmental issue because I never see him outside or playing with any kids and when we've tried to talk to him he won't answer and his mother speaks for him. They told us like 3 months ago to "come over anytime" but I'm not the kind of person to just come over uninvited and Josh is upset with me. He thinks I'm deliberately depriving him of having friends. I really hope they let kids exchange phone numbers this year. They didn't in K so Josh never had any friends over.

Not long after I posted this, I looked outside where my son was playing and I saw the neighbor dad lift his son over our fence. No heads up, no asking, just woop, here's another kid to look after. And I mean, it might be okay, like when I saw him retrieving his dog, if he'd said "Is it okay if my son comes over?" but what if I hadn't looked out there for some time? I wouldn't have known he was here (well, aside from the noise they're making)

Am I cranky or what? I feel like one of those "Get off my lawn!" people. But I'm not a huge fan of uninvited guests. And this kid listens worse than my son does. LOL

Crossposts: http://becomingkate.livejournal.com/82185.html

So confused...last night my MIL called in a huff at 9:30: "I wouldn't call so late but you guys never called me to tell me what time to pick up your son." My husband told me that she was supposed to call us. So then she goes, well I'll come get him around 11:30 tomorrow and bring him back around dinner. Which was weird because we thought she was keeping him overnight, but whatever. So she came today (and I had to keep telling my son to wait, not to eat lunch, we can't watch a movie, because I didn't want to be in the middle of something when she came) and she says "So I'll probably drop him off around 10 tomorrow because I'm going to the beach later". Okay so now the overnight plan is back on? Yay!

Unfortunately my husband doesn't love going out to dinner and we've been going out a lot so I think he's sick of everything. Me, I could be one of those people who never uses her kitchen.

I feel completely stressed to the max. Things are a teeny bit better with Josh because he told me something the other day that sort of helps me understand why he's so defiant. He likes to play a game in his head when we have a disagreement. He says he gets points whenever he challenges me. So I need to figure out how to turn that around. I started talking to my mommy friends online again. I hate it but I need them. I don't so much like them as I just...need them. Now you guys, I like you guys.

But things with my husband are just...strained. I feel like there's a huge communication gap. Last night he was on World of Warcraft. I watched this week's Dexter, had a couple drinks and snacks and came to the computer. Around 11 my husband was apparently done and he was like well, see you upstairs and he proceeded to turn off all the lights other than the office and go upstairs. He didn't give me like a 5 minute warning to wrap it up. I walked in with a bowl of popcorn 5 minutes before he was done. I felt abandoned and not cared about and I cried my drunk ass to sleep. I drank too much. It's a problem, this drinking alone thing. It probably colored the whole fallout a little uglier than it actually was, but maybe not. My heart just hurts. I wanted someone who'd care for me. Not just about me but for me. Like help my drunk self up the stairs if I need it, hang around for a second at least while I clean up my dishes and turn off my computer. At the very least, leave a light on for me.

It's like, he's good at kind gestures on a bigger scale. He buys us tickets to events, never forgets our anniversary or Valentines Day or my birthday, goes crazy at Christmas time, buying things beyond our means. But he sucks at the daily acts of kindness, or even consideration, which puts a certain feeling of obligation on the holidays and special occasions. I don't understand it.

Crossposts: http://becomingkate.livejournal.com/81860.html

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